Putting a four and a half year old in nappies

[ontheirown]

Honestly, this doesn’t sit easily with me.

Potty training DS was by no means a straightforward process and he was still having daily accidents for around a year. Recently they’ve ramped up again and dealing with the laundry and mess is getting to me a bit.

I have been reading Janet Lansbury and her recommendation is very much along the lines of ‘I can see you’re having trouble using the toilet, so we’re going to use nappies.’ But he’ll be starting school soon and I can’t have him start in nappies.

He isn’t constipated and I honestly think it’s laziness.

I think you need to take him to the doctor to rule out an issue; I don’t think ‘laziness’ cuts it at 4.5 years old, especially if previously toilet trained. Something physical or psychological is going on here.

Agree with the first poster. It's not laziness at 4 years old.

It might just be laziness. My now 16 year old was very difficult to train. He saw me one day washing out his soiled underwear, I couldn't put it straight into washing machine. All of a sudden he realised someone had to wash his dirty underwear, and he miraculously was much more committed.

Yes I’d go to GP just to rule anything out specifically with it getting worse recently

The way this is phrased, makes it sound like he was 16 when he saw you washing and had this revelation 🤣

Poo accidents?
You need to rule out any clinical issues. First stop is your GP. Once you have more info, you can make a plan.

My instinct is to say that nappies would be a retrograde step.

Woops, no I ld say he was 5 or maybe 6.

Plenty of fibre helps to regulate, cut down on dairy too.

It can 100% be laziness, especially with boys

1. ensure that an accident results in more disruption to playing than going to the loo does - stop the game, make a big fuss of sorting it out
2. involve them in the cleaning up - they have to help wipe up a puddle or put clothes in the wash.
3. if they have an accident, whatever they were playing at the time stops. This is particularly relevant for anything involving a screen - the screen goes off if you can't drag yourself away from it to go to the loo
4. make it a game - toilet targets to pee at
5. rewards. Choc button for every pee that goes in the loo. If they need a bigger incentive - buttons in a jar , when you have twenty you get a toy etc
6. cut out all squash and be careful about fruits that can irritate bladder (citrus etc)
7. allow them to pee in the garden etc when only 4

Oh and persevere as well as growth spurts can cause regressions, at this time of year kids grow a lot. He will get back on track.

Are you 100% sure he isn't impacted? Thats when they have a lump of hard poo stuck and just soft poo comes out as it can squidge round the lump. It means that they can't feel when they need to go and often have poo and /or wee accidents.

I would have a read of the Eric continence website.

I would do timed toileting - make a note of when he is peeing and then take him to the toilet at those intervals. Maybe he is caught up in play, or maybe he is 'lazy' but punishing him won't fix this: proactive management will. Also, is he drinking more because of the hot weather, in which case, take him to the loo more regularly.

Thanks for replies. It’s been both soiled and wet accidents and honestly I’m pretty sure it’s him just not bothering to go to the toilet. He’s become very guarded about going - gets very annoyed if you offer to help - so will often say he’s gone and I’m not sure he has.

My suspicion is he’s drinking a lot more than normal in the hot weather and he is therefore needing to go and wee more often. And can’t always be bothered!

I don’t agree with JL at all. Maybe if he were 3 that would be a good idea but as you’ve said he’s starting school and you really need to try to have this cracked over the summer. I would definitely take him to the doctor to rule out anything medical going on. Constipation I know you’ve said no but are you totally sure because they can get overflow which make it seem like they’re going regularly but actually there’s a blockage further up and they can’t control it and it can also cause wee accidents. Also, how are you handling accidents at the moment? Being as hands off as you can be so he has to do the work of wiping, changing, putting wet pants in the machine, soiled ones into soak (you do the napisan obviously) should help if it is laziness because he’ll hopefully realise that the toilet would have been quicker.

A huge problem with DS is that when there is a soiled accident he becomes very silly. I imagine it’s probably embarrassment but there is no way I could let him clean himself up as I’d end up with poo everywhere.

It could also be an increase in things like berries and grapes and so on which are linked to the hot weather.

My big worry with DS to be honest has always been he’ll start school, have accidents and get bullied for it. He really seemed to crack toileting around the time he turned four so still later than others but ok we got there and now we seem to have taken a step back.

Agree with all of this.

I would visit the doctor to make sure there are no underlying issues first.

Also, assuming there have been no big changes recently? House or nursery move? New sibling? Big changes can cause a regression.

But if neither of these apply, use this method. Don’t get upset with them, just make it a long process of cleaning/sorting it all out so that a quick trip to the toilet seems more appealing.

https://eric.org.uk/advice-for-children-with-constipation/ eric website page.

My son is disabled he was in pull ups until he was 6. From the age of 3 we offered toilet/ potty but he couldn’t make the connection. That’s a reason
to use pull ups

if you are confident your child knows to go and he’s distracted/lazy I’d go down the route of more reminders/tries and maybe rewards for non accident days but needs to be positive not negative if you go done the reward route

I’d still be involving him in the clean up. Do it in the bathroom so you can clean up after his clean up if needed. The point is to make it inconvenient to combat the laziness. Also, if he is in a position where he’s still having accidents when he starts school they will expect him to sort himself out as much as possible so best to start that now so he’s prepared.
And @IwasDueANameChange also has some really good advice. If you’ve seen the doctor and definitively ruled out a medical concern then I’d do exactly as they suggest.

You can get washable pull ups. They still feel wetness but not quite the mess in normal pants

At the age of 4, I put dd onto the school timetable for toileting before school, snack time meaning eat, drink and toilet, lunch time meaning eat, drink and toilet and after school eat, drink and toilet. This just got regularity into her body clock. This may or may not work for you.

Start with talking directly to your don:

1. I am making an appointment with a doctor because I’m concerned that you are having difficulty knowing when to use the toilet. (Make appt)
2. You will be starting school soon, the other children will be using the toilet, they will not be pooping/ wetting pants. They know when their body needs to use the toilet.
3. To get ready for the doctor, I need to keep a chart - each day we will write down when you you the toilet. And when you have wet/soiled pants. First we will stay home a few days, then we will try going out. I will keep the chart each day & also night.

You goal is to make him aware of the behavior you are trying to change, why trying to change, how you identify “problem” and that you can show improvement.

When you get to Dr, you also have data. Tell Dr what you are doing to try to change behavior.

If they refer you to specialists- it will take ages, and while you wait, you are also getting DS involved in making the changes.

I disagree with other posters saying it’s not laziness it may be. I’d rule anything else out with the doctors but I know someone several years older who was constantly soiling and it only stopped with threats of no computer if it happened again

No don’t put him back in nappies. If he’s not got special needs it’s not fair on the teachers. If he’s not got a physical problem, persevere with toilet training.

I wouldn’t put him back in nappies as it could lead to further regression.
We’ve struggled with constipation and my youngest often had to change at least 2 times at School. I had the same concerns re:bullying. No one notices, the staff were very discreet and no 5 year old ever said to another “I can smell poo” or work out who it is. You still have 6 weeks to crack it. Can you set a timer to remind him to go to the toilet at regular intervals? Echo what others have said about checking in with the GP.