Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH re SC

[Ollie89]

We have my stepchildren every weekend, DH and I married for 6 years, share two DC also.

We seem to have slipped into some arrangement whereby I collect DSC from their mums house every Friday evening. I don't mind this as it's on my route back from work so not a problem. Although I do also end up doing this still even when I'm not at work, it just seems to be the unspoken thing now.

Yesterday two friends suggested catching up over a meal on Friday evening. I've not seen them for ages and so agreed. My parents are going to keep our small DC overnight as it's just easier with DH not finishing work until later on (usually about 7ish).

I've told DH and he seemed grumpy that I wouldn't be able to collect DSC. We had a bit of a snappy back and forth and I ended up saying 'you know they are YOUR children don't you?!'

I feel often that he only cares about what I can do for him, and never about me as a person doing things for myself if that makes any sense? So instead of wishing his wife a nice evening catching up with some old friends he's grumpy because it inconveniences him because he'll have to arrange getting DSC himself.

He's now clinging to the comment I made saying it's not about who's children DSC are, we are family and I should have thought about DSC in my plans same as I did our joint DC.

I disagree, we are a family but ultimately DSC are his children, it's his contact time and I have spent years, often going out of my way, to get them every week. It's really not a huge deal that one time he or his ex needs to arrange it.

Who's being unreasonable?

Step back... Let him realise how much you actually do for his dc... Bet he has no real idea.

Every week end.. Yikes..
He needs to step up.

I would never have agred to let the step parent play such a pivotal role, he is being an arse

I think you both are. You absolutely should be able to go out and your husband is out of order for being grumpy. But, you married a man with children, you do have to consider them yours and the way you put it to him. About them bring 'your children' isn't a good way to live with a blended family.

As a step mum myself who chose to marry and have kids with a man who already had children we are a family and I always think about dsc in plans same as I do our joint dc + I would never use they are your children in an argument.

but equally he sounds useless and should be able to step up and help change plans so you can go out. Would he do it if it was your joint children? Is he generally a shit father/husband?

Hes being unreasonable but you are enabling him

Stop picking the SC up altogether

His kids his problem

Regardless of whether they are DSC or DC that’s what married people do within a family.

Support each other. He should have just wished you well and said leave everything to him.

So I 100% agree with you.

Either way, a favour has become an expectation. That’s the kind of thing you want to avoid because you do pick up every week, so he wouldn’t have been factoring it in. Any time you can do it then let him know. I guess the money he is earning until 7pm also goes towards your family unit so it’s not black and white, but ultimately yes the children have 2 parents and you’re not one of them.

Enjoy your dinner out. My DH has recognised thy I have t seen friends much lately and has been encouraging me to go out. You should have each other’s back.

Tell him that he can cling to that comment and pick his own bloody kids up each weekend. He is totally taking the pee here. As everyone often says on MN, you can’t parent them they are not yours, so you shouldn’t have to transport them either

edited to say - they already have two parents, it’s for them to sort out not you. I bet you get told to mind your own business if you start trying to give them rules.

He is being unreasonable

You are allowed to have your own life 🙄. He should be grateful you have collected them so often!

You have been enabling this behaviour. They are indeed his children. Great if you can help out, but ultimately always his responsibility. You need to set some boundaries here and stick to them. Families help each other yes, and that goes both ways - it’s not about you doing all the donkey work.. Your husband is a CF, but you have allowed him to be…

For that comment, he picks them up from now on. They are his children.

So he married you and promptly offloaded his children on to you. Nice. And now seems to think it's your responsibility.

Not a great dad, is he ? Lazy. Selfish. I pity his children because he literally can't be arsed to fetch them.

YANBU, however you have sort of changed the goalposts with no warning.

Of course it’s your h who is being unreasonable here. And yes, you may well be right that he saw you coming.

If this was the other way round, your MIL would be getting called for everything, because she just wants her bio GC. On here a stepdad's family have got to forget blood ties, especially during weddings, but a stepmum has no responsibility towards any children she didn't give birth to.
If it's become a ongoing routine, you should have discussed that you don't want to do it every week, rather than drop him in it, if he can't pick them up because of work. He should welcome the evening with his children and not having to involve much younger kids. It could extend to the Saturday.

Is he a shift worker who is genuinely working until 7pm on a Friday? I get the impression he does have some flexibility in his schedule as otherwise you would have made arrangements for the DSC and would not be feeling this way. That’s really unreasonable of him to stay at work so late every week if the DSC come every week. That needs to change.

Does he see you as default parent for everything? That also needs to change. He should be actively supporting you in having a break and catching up with your friends.

Why on earth does he have the children every weekend???

I get the impression he does have some flexibility in his schedule as otherwise you would have made arrangements for the DSC

He might just collect them when he finishes work at 7. We also don’t know what time Op collects the children so him finishing at 7 might not be that late. You’re making a few assumptions in that post

Why is every weekend a problem?

Unspoken arrangements and assumptions always turn out to be problematic.
I think you should clarify that in future, whilst you might help out on request IF you are free, that you can't commit to doing this every week, and he needs to make his arrangements accordingly.

I would tell him that his reaction shows that actually he doesn’t care about you, only what you can do for his children, so moving forward collecting and returning is on him

He's being beyond ridiculous - even if they were your children it would be unreasonable for him to throw a hissy fit because you asked him to collect them one time to enable you to meet friends.

It is more usual for the parents to share the weekends, rather than one
parent doing all the weekends. And not much fun for the OP.

Wow, he’s wildly unreasonable and I agree with others I’d stop doing it from now on. He’s not grateful which he bloody well should be, it’s a big favour, he’s selfish, entitled and taking the piss.

How dare he try and shit on your lovely plans by making a fuss about having to transport his own kids. Cheeky bastard.

Wow, what a horrible comment. As if anyone would not want their own children every weekend they could. Not you OP, the person who said what on earth