Who is being unreasonable? Me or DH re SC

[Ollie89]

We have my stepchildren every weekend, DH and I married for 6 years, share two DC also.

We seem to have slipped into some arrangement whereby I collect DSC from their mums house every Friday evening. I don't mind this as it's on my route back from work so not a problem. Although I do also end up doing this still even when I'm not at work, it just seems to be the unspoken thing now.

Yesterday two friends suggested catching up over a meal on Friday evening. I've not seen them for ages and so agreed. My parents are going to keep our small DC overnight as it's just easier with DH not finishing work until later on (usually about 7ish).

I've told DH and he seemed grumpy that I wouldn't be able to collect DSC. We had a bit of a snappy back and forth and I ended up saying 'you know they are YOUR children don't you?!'

I feel often that he only cares about what I can do for him, and never about me as a person doing things for myself if that makes any sense? So instead of wishing his wife a nice evening catching up with some old friends he's grumpy because it inconveniences him because he'll have to arrange getting DSC himself.

He's now clinging to the comment I made saying it's not about who's children DSC are, we are family and I should have thought about DSC in my plans same as I did our joint DC.

I disagree, we are a family but ultimately DSC are his children, it's his contact time and I have spent years, often going out of my way, to get them every week. It's really not a huge deal that one time he or his ex needs to arrange it.

Who's being unreasonable?

You both are.

Does he do much with your joint children? Or is that all your responsibility too?

Have a lovely time with your friends on Friday, you clearly deserve it.

I think you both could have done better. You admit it’s become a routine that you collect them and it sounds like you’ve changed it up and presented him with a fait accompli rather than having a conversation about it. His reaction wasn’t great either though.

And if she had to discipline them as her own she would be told she’s just a stepmother. Do as you want op. They are not your kids and you shouldn’t feel bad about that.

I could have written this almost word for word, OP.
DH and his ex used to suit themselves when it came to pick up and drop off times. They did get a CAO but once everything calmed down, flexibility naturally made its way back, with the CAO just being the fail safe IYSWIM.
Anyway, neither of them drive so I ended up doing all the back and forth. I asked for change the times a bit to make it work better with everything else I have on and oh my goodness the huffing and puffing I got for it! “That’s not the agreement” “can’t be changed!” Blah blah. When they changed to suit themselves all the time!
I spelt it out for DH, that since I was the one doing him and his ex a favour I’d be doing it on my terms or not at all, that she’s not my child, I don’t get a say or apparently any respect so he could either sort himself out or sort his child out himself.
Fast forward to now, and Dear Reader I can confirm that he did sort himself out and things are now respectful and by mutual agreement. If I have other plans then he makes other arrangements and wishes me a nice time and that’s it.
YANBU OP. Hold the line.

It’s on your route back from work but the unspoken agreement is that you do this even when not at work.

I suggest you use your words and remedy the ‘unspoken’ element.

‘Sorry, that doesn’t work for me’

He has no right to sulk.

You are happy to help when driving past on the way home for work but sometimes you can't do that.

They are indeed HIS kids.

I have no idea why you are collecting his children. That's a pisstake. They are his children, he's responsible for the parenting while they are with you and that includes transport.

I do not drive my sc anywhere, not my kids, not my problem. I’m not a taxi or the unpaid nanny. You are not unreasonable at all and he is taking the piss.

Doesn’t matter what’s usual for other people. It would be unfair to say he should only have them every other week if he wants them every week. Op knew he had kids when she got with him

I wonder what his kids think about their dad, who cannot be bothered to pick them up.

He's a twat

Why doesn't he collect them every week? I'd stop getting them altogether, especially when you're not at work.

He's completely taken you for granted. Don't tell me you feed them, clear up after them etc?

Next time go out for dinner and let him find childcare for all 4 of his children.

@HoskinsChoice this is such rubbish, step children aren’t and never will be ‘yours’ as a step parent, how many bio parents do you think want a step parent to think of their kids as theirs, a vanishing small number if any. Get over yourself.

A favour has become an expectation.

Stop driving them every Friday.

Rather than frame it as “they are your children”, say it is his visitation or custody time. You don’t have any rights to those children. If you broke up with DH you might never see SC again. The time is HIS and he should be taking care of getting them there.

selfish lazy ungrateful man.

Implying you gave more consideration to your own DC doesn’t make sense. Thinking about your DC, you arranged for them to go your parents. Thinking about your DSC, you arranged for your DH to collect them. What’s the difference?

There’s no actual issue with him collecting them, is there? He’d just rather you do it, so he gets to come straight home to his family all waiting for him. Tough. He’s ruined it for himself, let him go and get his kids after work.

My marriage ended due to being in a similar position. My advice would be don’t be scared to speak up and put boundaries in place, don’t be left to be the one doing everything while your DH sits back and expects it all

My parents are going to keep our small DC overnight as it's just easier with DH not finishing work until later on (usually about 7ish).

How convenient or him!

So you've organised two of his kids but that's not good enough.

He wants you to organise the ones that have two parents as wel!

YANBU even if they were your DC not SDC and you usually picked them up it’s still not unreasonable to ask your partner to get them for once so you can go to a rare catch up with friends