Death of a grandparent triggered worry about parents

[brightonchicka]

I am 35 and have relatively young parents mum is 59 and father 62 - both in good health no medication. My grandparent has just died at 91 - its hit me like a ton of bricks as we were so close and even though i know it was coming at some point the pain is unberable and its my first real loss .

I am extremley close to my mother - she is my best friend and is has left me riddled with anxiety about her death and how i would feel . I worry i wont cope . I know its a long time off ( hopefully ) but the worry of it is awful - shes the one im with all time and although i have family of my own and friends she is my constant support and person i turn to . How do i manage this ?

Worry is futile. The future is never promised. You could be hit by a bus in 3 months and you'd have wasted those 3 months worrying about a future that wont happen.

Live today as though its the only day, don't entertain worry about the future or guilt of the past. You cant change any of those.

Go and live today.

Between ny husband and I we have 6 parents (two of them step) and one passed away a few years ago. The remaining ones are age between 82 and 72 so we know things could happen at any time (there is some ill health). The thing is, at some point they’ll all get poorly and/ or die. It’ll be rubbish. Worrying about whether that’s tomorrow or in 10 years won’t change it. Make sure the practical things are sorted, POA, wills etc and that’ll make a horrendous time slightly less stressful.

@toomuchfaff Thankyou for this . You are right and i think the shock of first death has thrown me into a world of what ifs

@NerrSnerr im trying not yo overthink and i know at this point in time its likely irrational . Thankyou

I think a lot of people can relate to how you are feeling and everything you described is quite common after you lose a loved one.

I lost 2 pregnancies and it triggered death anxiety in me, I am recovering from that at the moment and I am doing a lot better.

Life is so fragile and short, grief can make us worry about losing someone and wonder how we will cope.

Sometimes we need to bring ourselves back to logical thinking. Yes it’s inevitable, but we are wasting time worrying if it’ll happen tomorrow or in 10 years. Enjoy the time you do have with your parents.

I am confident that in a couple of months this anxiety will fade and you will be feeling better

@Sunshinegalhere thankyou for this and sorry to hear about your losses x

I felt that when my MiL from my first marriage died. None of my friends had lost a parent and it just wasn't on my radar at the time. It really made me think about my own parents. Neither of my parents are with me now I've lost them both but I remember that time quite vividly.

@Cosyblankets how did you overcome it ? Its such a scary thought

Tbh she had been quite ill since I knew her and my parents were healthy and well at the time

The loss of someone close often triggers us realising, more generally, that we are actually all mortal.

I lost a few family members and friends when I was young and was sad about losing them, but it was only when I lost my Mum I realised how she tethered me to the world. Now, I've just got Dad and my brother, both in ill health and it's changed my relationship with them in that I make sure I care and keep in contact because one day they won't be here.

My Mum died relatively fast from cancer but she did know for about 3 months. She actually told us that, although sad because she thought she had plenty of living to do, she still felt she'd been given the easier hand as the first of us to go.

I know exactly. I used to worry so much about what id do, i was so close to my own mum, and worried all the time. My dear 83 yr old mum passed on Monday. Its heartbreaking. But don't waste your time worrying, go be with her, do stuff, make memories, live life. Don't waste it worrying.

@toomuchfaff So sorry for your loss x

Take comfort in that your Grandfather had a long life your parents hopefully have good 20/30 years left
Sadly death is inevitable I lost all my grandparents when i was in my 20,s but they all lived untill their mid 80 s
My mum died in January this year she wss 82 and in frail health, it's heartbreaking becsuse you are never ready to lose a parent
But I know she's at peace now.

@x2boys thankyou and sorry for your loss x

I think you should allow yourself to feel the worry, then park it and move on. It might not be easy but you won't always feel it as strongly as you do now, you're grieving so everything is heightened. I always try to remind myself that grieving is worth it because of the love they gave you while they were alive, so although it will be hard it's worth it for the life and love she's given you.

@Dramatic thankyou for this . so true x

In periods of grief it's very normal to feel more worried, so I think the priority is to focus on your grief and care for yourself.

When your grief subsides, your worry will hopefully also subside.

If it doesn't, then you may need to review and get support.

Grief is extremely unsettling and destabilising, and it's ok to allow that to work through in its own time.

Sorry for your loss.

@verycloakanddaggers thankyou

Sorry for your loss. I totally understand your feelings and really sympathise. I am also.mid thirties. I speak from experience here - I lost my mum, who was in good health, after a short illness at the age of 60 a couple of years ago. I felt the same as you - didnt know how I would cope. But the reality is that you just do. And life does go on. My husband also lost his father, who was in good health, 3 weeks ago, at the age of 62, after a short illness. (Aggressive cancers for both) Im not trying to scare you, but actually se have both realised that there it's natural to worry, but actually there's no way to influence this stuff, and no way to predict what will happen. So try to let go of the worry if you can, and , if you are finding it debilitating in a few months time, maybe seek some help. It's totally understandable, so don't bear yourself up about it, but equally, you will cope with whatever life throws at you.

If your parents live to their 90s, you’ll be really lucky. Don’t waste these good years worrying about the inevitable which may well be decades away.

My parents died recently, well into their 90s. They lived good, long lives without mental or physical impairment. I can only think how lucky they and we were.

Experiencing the death of someone close for the first time can be quite a shock. We know it happens but somehow pretend it won't happen to us. I lost a good schoolfriend at 17 in a car accident and then someone I loved very much when I was 22, he took his own life and that made it even harder to bear, but I think these woke me up to how fragile life can be. I've never taken that for granted since.

However to pick up on your point about how close you are to your mum. I think you need to start expanding your circle of close friends. It sounds a bit unhealthy to see her as you "best friend" and closest support. Most adults develop a (often small) circle of people we can rely on for different things. Putting all your emotional needs onto one person, especially a parent, will lead to you finding even more difficult when she does, inevitably, pass away. Perhaps I'm wrong because I didn’t have a close relationship with my parents, or indeed siblings, but something for you to consider?

It's always a shock when you see the 'chain' of generations falling away.

As well as the obvious sadness of losing a loved one at any age, once your grandparents start to die, you realise that it's your parents' generation next; then after that, it's yours.

I think it must be a very scary situation when you start losing siblings and cousins to natural old age - unless they're somehow decades older than you are.

I'm not wanting to minimise your feelings in any way, but you just have to find a way to manage your grief and come to terms with how life goes.

Then again, as PP said, any of us could go at any time, whether through illness, an accident or other tragic circumstances. My DGM survived both of her children - one by 70 years and the other by 21 years - which I think must be unimaginably worse than the 'normal' way.

I think you should look at it a different way. You're 35 which isn't that young and only really experiencing a grief or bereavement now? I would say that's quite lucky. Both my grandparents died when I was 21. My other grandparents died before I was born. Majority of my friends don't have grandparents anymore and several others have lost a parent. My Mum died when I was 29. I just have my Dad now who is 65 and in okay health. I'm 31 so younger than you and all I can say is that... it's life... no point being afraid but it won't do you harm appreciating quality time with loved ones.

@Depressedbarbie sorry for your loss and thankyou for words x

@Gerwurtztraminer Thanks for this - i do have close friends luckily ( most since school ) but am very close to my mum as she was with hers .