To just not see the point anymore

[takethesebrokenwingsandlearntofly]

I am absolutely at the end of my tether. Burnt out doesn't even come close. I've name changed for this post as I would like to be brutally honest.

My son has very complex behavioural issues. He is 7. Diagnosed this year with ASD and PDA profile- suspected ADHD not yet confirmed. I paid thousands privately for the assessments and diagnosis after waiting years on the NHS waitlist.

He was permanently excluded from school in November following back to back exclusions for disruptive, violent and aggressive behaviour. Some measures were put in place by the school prior to things getting this bad but everytime anything worked- they retracted it as they were concerned he was becoming too dependent on the support. School treated me appallingly at the end and wrote a hideous report focusing on my very worst moments of desperation and not mentioning the hours I had spent at meetings, putting plans in place, alternative timings for drop off and collection and spending time with him in school to descalate the behaviour.

He has always been a difficult child. But in 2023 I left his abusive father and we moved house a couple of times. This on top of greater demands at school led to complete burnout for him. Without being dramatic, it was horrific- he didn't sleep, he would attack me and my younger son who was still a baby at the time, spitting in my face, pulling g my hair, waking me constantly with violence. One night I woke and he was holding a 4kilo weight over my head. He pulled his brother from his cot, damaged our rental property by breaking doors, denting walls, ripping curtains down and even pulled a live light fitting from the ceiling (bunk bed) it was incredibly difficult. He was at home 24/7
I reached out the social services and took him to A&E, we even had paramedics out. Family help was minimal as others could not handle his meltdowns and I was isolated. I managed to just about keep my job somehow by working through the night or at any available moment he was occupied (rarely) or grandparents could give me a couple of hours respite.

He sees his father every other weekend and behaves fine for him. Kids are safe with him, he's stupid and was awful to me but is ok with the kids for short periods- I also cannot cope without the respite from DS7

Eventually I paid for private diagnosis and fought for an EHCP. I managed to secure AP which was inconsistent often cancelled last minute and sometimes withdrawn altogether at short notice for weeks at a time.

We moved in with my partner in April and two days a week the AP has been great 9-2 with an improvement on 3 other sessions for 2.5 hours per week.

Work has been insanely busy and I'm barely staying afloat.

I spend hours and hours chasing school consultation responses and the EHCP case worker with no reply for weeks at a time.

I have gained weight. I get about 4 hours sleep a night if I'm lucky. I haven't seen friends and family socially in months. I get very little time with my younger son. DS7 dominates everything and every moment in some way.

My heart breaks for him as I know he doesn't want to be this way, I try to support him and generally am incredibly patient and tolerant but he is so disgustingly vile to me and my partner. He is constantly wanting attention and even on a good day will have multiple meltdown. He's spoilt, has everything a child could ask for, I read with him, play with him, arrange play dates with his previous school
Friends and take him nice places. I care, I'm a good mum. But I am absolutely burnt out and I just feel like my life is becoming so unbearable.

My son is a hilarious smart and capable little boy but when in meltdown he is violent, spiteful and it's like he is possessed. Because he is bright he knows all the buttons to press and he is persistent and relentless.

On a good day (or moment) he looks and seems completely neurotypical so mid meltdown it looks like bad behaviour (bad parenting) when he is saying disgusting hurtful things. Being violent and swearing/ spitting etc.

I feel constantly judged. Constantly on alert and im exhausted.

I am good at my job, I enjoy it. I don't want to give it up, I can't afford to- but these circumstances aren't allowing me the time I need to do it (and I'm only contracted part time)

Partner has had enough, can't cope anymore with the outbursts. I'm not sure exactly if that's him leaving. To be honest I no longer have the capacity to apologise and beg him to stay. He will only tell me it isn't my fault but I can't stress enough the toll this is taking on me and everyone in our home.

I just want to give up but I feel like I can't even do that. Because then who would look after him.

There is no more support available. We still don't have a school placement for September. I'm haemorrhaging money as private care for him costs £25 per hour and I just can't cope. I don't want this life. I don't want to be alive anymore.

I'm so sorry, I have no wisdom, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this and maybe you could speak to your GP? I cannot imagine how drained you must feel - maybe they can offer some interim help to look after yourself and then advise on the bigger picture?

You sound like a wonderful, caring, loving Mum and partner. I'm sorry life is so hard right now but I'm sure the world is better with you in it. Much love.

This sounds s challenging for you ! Can he spend more time with his Dad? Since he behaves better and gives you more time to get all the other things done.

So sorry OP. It sounds horrendous... a lot to go through. Not really got any advice but have you looked at the SEN board? Someone may have more advice for you there.

Time to consider in independent specialist residential boarding school.

you can get (with a fight) via EHCplan

i did this with my boy - weekly boarding as they had the specialist skills to help him learn and grow.

broke my heart sending him to start with and lots of issues with transition - but when you have a disabled child whose behaviour is dominating the family it is an option.

my boy now is overall an utter delight - has his moments of course but is a different snd happier child - calmed so much as has education that suited him - he was able to focus and learn as small class sizes and specialist education. Lots of outdoor / forest type skills and social skills / life skills intergrsted into the school day

The respite of weekly boarding (came home every weekend and every holiday) saved our family.

Gave me time to recharge my batteries and then enjoy him at the weekend.

we were on our knees before he went to residential school.

people will pile on and say ‘sending them away’ is cruel but honesty a specialist boarding school is in a different league to even Eton (and twice as expensive) and unless you have parented a child with such severe needs you can never know how hard it is on the whole family.

tell them you need residential specialist education and be prepared to fight for it. Totally changed all our lives

@Tulipssndturkeys my mum also suggested this but at 7 and with sever attachment issues I don't know if he would cope. How old was your son? At the moment I can't even get him a place at a specialist day school.

@AmbitiousHalibut I have been to see my go and am taking a high dose of antidepressants but she pointed out it's the circumstances causing these feelings of utter hopelessness and the circumstances at the moment won't and can't change. I have nosebleeds most days from the stress, the physical symptoms like migraines etc are worsening but still there doesn't seem to be an answer.

I won't actually act on these feelings. I won't hurt myself as then who would care for my children.

I just don't want to do it anymore.

@Eenameenadeeka his dad just won't have him anymore. He won't take time off work or have them any more than he does so I can't even look at a little break. Every minute the children are with him and trying to get work done / sleep and do all the things I can't do with my son here.

Sounds like he’s had a lot to contended with, his parents splitting up. Two house moves and then moving in with your new partner. That’s a lot of change for someone so young. Could this be a reason his behaviour has escalated?

This ^

What will happen to him if you break? I think you need to consider yourself as a key part of caring for him. @Tulipssndturkeys suggestion is a good one: think it is the only way forwards from here. A close neighbour of ours ended up with this solution and it worked really well for them (massive fight to get there but ...)

Why does he behave for his dad? What’s the difference that means he doesn’t behave for you?

@Toddlerteaplease and @MooreMooreMoore yes absolutely, and as a child with PDA and Autism that has clearly led to his burn out. But I couldn't stay in an abusive relationship and the moves were only necessary as my ex refused to leave our home or sell it etc so I had very little choice. Trust me when I say I have tried to mitigate the effects on him and could not feel worse for having contributed to how he is feeling but it doesn't take away from how extreme the behaviour is for a child of his age

@MooreMooreMoore I think he is scared of him, not that he's ever been violent to him. Also, he sees him for 1.5 days a fortnight, on days he doesn't have tutoring etc. it's called masking.

@Dotjones adoption wouldn't be an option, I could not and would not consider this

Oh OP, it is so hard isn't it. I really don't think the suggestion of putting your DC up for adoption is realistic. I would recommend reaching out to make sure that there isn't any more support out there. Have you contacted your local SENDIASS team, social services and early help? Be really honest with them like you have been here. They may help with pushing for the school place. I think WRT your partner, it may be right for him to move out. It is likely unsettling for your DC but also you have enough on your plate right now. Your DC may also need help processing your previous abusive relationship. My DS has had a settled life, but with Autism and ADHD he requires lots of help from school during nurture time, ELSA and sensory circuits to manage emotions.

I would add that he likely behaves for Dad and not for you as he feels safe with you. This is restraint collapse or masking.

Can you look into private special schools that specialise in PDA?
A friend's niece started at one this year and her life and her family's life has transformed.
She was expelled from her primary school as she was violent and extremely disruptive, they could not manage the behaviour and it was just not the right setting for her.
She is thriving in her new school and goes in with a smile. She also has PDA.

It was a long battle with the council, they had a tribunal date set but the council agreed to pay for it before it happened. It costs close to £30 thousand per year.

All the best

I can thoroughly sympathise. My friend is in a similar situation. She knocks on every door, but there just isn't any help available. They just get passed on to someone else who says they can't help, and passes them on to someone else.

I'm in a similar situation, but my son also has severe learning disabilities, so I do actually get some assistance and occasional respite. But then his brother also has additional needs, so it doesn't equal much of a break!

The things my friend and I have in common are: neither of our kids' dads are involved, neither of us can work, and we both have partners, but we will not live with them.

I really wish I had some wonderful advice for you, but I don't. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in the trenches.

Who would adopt him though? Seriously? The care system is full of children with problems who need loving homes, and they don’t get them. This child has a loving home, but needs specialist support. No one will adopt a child with such severe issues.

He needs assessment for ADHD urgently because ADHD medication, if it works for him, could really help.

As well as this I'd look into courses for de-escalation, safe restraint and therapeutic parenting if that's even a thing that can be accessed by the general public. See if you can ask through your local social services. They run these courses for foster carers. I know the funding will be ringfenced but maybe they can let you know the provider and you could access it privately? Or possibly it could somehow be framed as a child protection issue and you might get access that way. I feel so strongly this should be available for families. It's not your fault and it's not your child's fault.

I have heard good things about NVR for parents of children who are violent and don't respond to behavioural strategies.

OT might also help if they can identify anything relating to self regulation, maybe some kind of calming sensory input?

Mine was 9 when they went… felt awful as do small and he had severe attachment issues (we adopted him as a toddler) as well as the autism adud and other multiple disabilities etc… but all the therapists and professionals involved agreed it was the only way forwards.

honestly it was the making of him (now an adult with a part time job) he’s always going to have issues but he is not that constant raging bull of anger and no longer lashes out constantly. No violence , a few qualifications and most importantly happy. Always will need support but just so much happier and able to cope with life.

you have to tell them ‘I can’t do this’ and that means practically screaming at them to get the help you need as they will insist you can.

Really know how hard it is. Once they are in a good educational placement that is suitable for their needs and understands them - your life will change. They support the child and support you. It makes such a difference.

if residential seems a step too far - look at independent specialist day sen schools. I never thought my kid would board but it really really was tight for our family.

Op, from what previous posters have said, residential support sounds like it could be key to this for all of you. I really hope you able to get the support needed to access this. It sounds like an impossible situation, and I just wanted to say how incredibly strong you must be to still be there for your family. You just need the right help, and I pray you get it.

I also suspect it won't be enough in your case (my son is similar but his aggressive behaviours are much less extreme) but I found the book Big Baffling Behaviours by Robyn Gobbel genuinely changed how our day to day lives look as I was then able to recognise different stages of dysregulation and choose strategies to respond based on the level, rather than feeling triggered and escalated myself by the more low level stuff because I knew it would build up and up. It's not a magic solution, and some of the writing is twee, but it helps a bit.

If the entire concept of dysregulation is new Mona Delahooke also has some useful information in her books and podcast interviews I've heard with her.

OP, I don't have any advice, but my 6yo is the same. We have exhausted all support options, and he is violent to me, and at school everyday. I applied for an EHCP 14 months ago and it still hasn't been finalised. I contacted social services last week and i'm waiting to hear back about regular respite care.