To just not see the point anymore

[takethesebrokenwingsandlearntofly]

I am absolutely at the end of my tether. Burnt out doesn't even come close. I've name changed for this post as I would like to be brutally honest.

My son has very complex behavioural issues. He is 7. Diagnosed this year with ASD and PDA profile- suspected ADHD not yet confirmed. I paid thousands privately for the assessments and diagnosis after waiting years on the NHS waitlist.

He was permanently excluded from school in November following back to back exclusions for disruptive, violent and aggressive behaviour. Some measures were put in place by the school prior to things getting this bad but everytime anything worked- they retracted it as they were concerned he was becoming too dependent on the support. School treated me appallingly at the end and wrote a hideous report focusing on my very worst moments of desperation and not mentioning the hours I had spent at meetings, putting plans in place, alternative timings for drop off and collection and spending time with him in school to descalate the behaviour.

He has always been a difficult child. But in 2023 I left his abusive father and we moved house a couple of times. This on top of greater demands at school led to complete burnout for him. Without being dramatic, it was horrific- he didn't sleep, he would attack me and my younger son who was still a baby at the time, spitting in my face, pulling g my hair, waking me constantly with violence. One night I woke and he was holding a 4kilo weight over my head. He pulled his brother from his cot, damaged our rental property by breaking doors, denting walls, ripping curtains down and even pulled a live light fitting from the ceiling (bunk bed) it was incredibly difficult. He was at home 24/7
I reached out the social services and took him to A&E, we even had paramedics out. Family help was minimal as others could not handle his meltdowns and I was isolated. I managed to just about keep my job somehow by working through the night or at any available moment he was occupied (rarely) or grandparents could give me a couple of hours respite.

He sees his father every other weekend and behaves fine for him. Kids are safe with him, he's stupid and was awful to me but is ok with the kids for short periods- I also cannot cope without the respite from DS7

Eventually I paid for private diagnosis and fought for an EHCP. I managed to secure AP which was inconsistent often cancelled last minute and sometimes withdrawn altogether at short notice for weeks at a time.

We moved in with my partner in April and two days a week the AP has been great 9-2 with an improvement on 3 other sessions for 2.5 hours per week.

Work has been insanely busy and I'm barely staying afloat.

I spend hours and hours chasing school consultation responses and the EHCP case worker with no reply for weeks at a time.

I have gained weight. I get about 4 hours sleep a night if I'm lucky. I haven't seen friends and family socially in months. I get very little time with my younger son. DS7 dominates everything and every moment in some way.

My heart breaks for him as I know he doesn't want to be this way, I try to support him and generally am incredibly patient and tolerant but he is so disgustingly vile to me and my partner. He is constantly wanting attention and even on a good day will have multiple meltdown. He's spoilt, has everything a child could ask for, I read with him, play with him, arrange play dates with his previous school
Friends and take him nice places. I care, I'm a good mum. But I am absolutely burnt out and I just feel like my life is becoming so unbearable.

My son is a hilarious smart and capable little boy but when in meltdown he is violent, spiteful and it's like he is possessed. Because he is bright he knows all the buttons to press and he is persistent and relentless.

On a good day (or moment) he looks and seems completely neurotypical so mid meltdown it looks like bad behaviour (bad parenting) when he is saying disgusting hurtful things. Being violent and swearing/ spitting etc.

I feel constantly judged. Constantly on alert and im exhausted.

I am good at my job, I enjoy it. I don't want to give it up, I can't afford to- but these circumstances aren't allowing me the time I need to do it (and I'm only contracted part time)

Partner has had enough, can't cope anymore with the outbursts. I'm not sure exactly if that's him leaving. To be honest I no longer have the capacity to apologise and beg him to stay. He will only tell me it isn't my fault but I can't stress enough the toll this is taking on me and everyone in our home.

I just want to give up but I feel like I can't even do that. Because then who would look after him.

There is no more support available. We still don't have a school placement for September. I'm haemorrhaging money as private care for him costs £25 per hour and I just can't cope. I don't want this life. I don't want to be alive anymore.

You need his dad to share care with you 50/50. Turn up with a packed bag and drop him off, or just refuse to have him back when he goes over next weekend. You need to put your foot down more on this.

it sounds like he is pushing boundaries and needs tough love, not being understanding and lovey and a martyr for him. That’s why he doesn’t act up with his dad, because it sounds like his dad can keep him in line and that’s what he needs. It’s just weird he has PDA but acts fine for dad.

it sounds extremely hard and none of us know your situation better than you do yourself. But it does sound, to me at least, that sacrificing yourself to burnout isn’t getting your son to respect you any more. Anyway, this isn’t just your problem. I’d highly urge you to pack a bag of stuff your son will need for school for a week and drop it off to dad.

You are not alone. My heart goes out to you. My DD went through a very difficult few years growing up - nothing like as bad as this but she had violent meltdowns at home and I bore the brunt of it. Plus for years she had trouble sleeping which escalated everything. It’s something that’s barely talked about - kids being violent to parents.

I can’t say what the solution is. My GP was useless as was CAMHS. She behaved well enough at school so I didn’t have those problems but it was at home that she let off steam and it was horrendous. And some days trying to get her to school was a huge battle in itself! I can’t even say how I got through it but eventually she did grow out of it. Now she is young adult at uni and lovely.

She has ADHD - I paid a lot for a private diagnosis too but really there wasn’t much help. My marriage ended and actually that was a good thing because from that moment onwards she started to calm down. Sometimes you have to end an abusive relationship. I understand that so well.

And one day (after she had been waving knives around in anger) I resorted to using a restraint I’d learned years before in a lifesaving class. Somehow that shook her up because she didn’t expect me to “fight back” in any way. It showed I could defend myself.

Honestly it took years of patience and the whole situation was exhausting. There was very little support. We went to a&e a few times and then I just appeared ridiculous at the end of my tether while she switched into her public face of being a sweet young girl. She is/was very sweet but then she could just melt down!

I had to hang onto my job through all this and it was so hard but it led to me WFH for a while - I would never have asked but then the situation meant I had no option.

She has grown out of it. She is doing well now. She can still be impulsive but she has achieved things which have made me proud and of course I love her. Don’t give up on your child. I know you won’t but you are just exhausted. Try for help wherever you can. Hang on in there. I wish you all the best.

Has DS had a home OT assessment? Do you now have a safe space bed or similar to keep DS and others safe at night?

Where are you with the EHCP? What support, including therapies, is in there currently? Have you appealed for better provision? If you want a school, do you have a preferred school? Have you requested section 19 provision provides a suitable full-time education (2 days at an AP isn’t that)?

If you have been refused social care support, have you challenged their decision? If you have appealed the EHCP, have you requested an extended appeal?