Life-a boring, monotonous HELL

[Glittercloud17]

My life has become a living monotonous hell! I used to enjoy my life. I used to Leave the house, have friends I’d call up and go to the pub/gym/library/shop with, I used to have boyfriends/girlfriends, sparkly dresses, a brain that wasn’t tied up in knots due to stresses and responsibilities.

Now I have a child, a mortgage, I’m a single mum, no network left behind as everyone is perimenopausal and acting weird, no family who lives close by, and I am in this drudgery of work-school-sofa (watching my child in the evenings) especially in the week. It is so mind-numbing, mindlessly and utterly boring, I am so frustrated. It’s been 8 years of this hell.

How do I get out of this rut?

Please no one say ‘just get out there’. I have! a million times. And now the sheer hell of battling my child to leave the house and listen to another moan or whine from Their mouth, I just want to jump in front of a 🚌 (not literally).

how can you make life more exciting when you’re stuck at home all day everyday??

Op said he was out of the picture…

I think he needs to take some responsibility! Bring him back in the picture and let him do his fair share of the childcare!

I'm not a single parent, so can't relate to your lifestyle, but can you find pleasure in the small things throughout the day?

Drink a perfect cup of morning coffee from a fancy mug. Maybe sit in the garden with it if it's warm.

Listen to an interesting podcast while you prep a nice meal.

Paint your nails whilst watching a film (can your child sit and watch it too?)

Read a book for 30 minutes before bed.

I'm not being cheesy or patronising - this is how I find pleasure through the day, with a job that often bores me to tears.

I don’t have a home gym I have 3 sets of dumbbells and a band. I go swimming at our local pool. (Op could go with dc at weekend if no other opportunities ) I wasn’t taught to embroider I self taught about 2 years ago and no one had every taught me how to do a crossword I just do them and you learn more as you do.

You don’t mention it but would a few things to do around the house break up the routine? More adventurous cooking? Gardening, if you have one or even a balcony? Some home decor projects? DC could help too!

Have you done it? Looks interesting Thanks

My is guess that, after years of absence, this would be more trouble than it was worth; Ex being unreliable or unreasonable, DC not being happy going to someone who is pretty much a stranger and we don’t even know if OP would be able to track him down.

Edited for a couple of missed words.

I personally got really into decorating the house. It's a focus and there are facebook groups for it so you can dive into something positive.

I also plan holidays and days out. We don't do either often (we can't afford he holidays I plan! 😆) but I enjoy looking at itineraries and dreaming.

I also planted a garden. Don't have a clue what I'm doing, often can't be arsed to manage it but when I force myself I find that you really can't handle bare soil without feeling happier.

Basically I need something to ground me (practical, productive stuff) and something to dream about.

Oh and we often go to the park after school for an hour. There are other kids there, parents to chat to and it's even better if you can bring a flask of tea. Other times we go to the library. It's so much easier to do anything when they are already out of the house.

I admire your thought process - but “darling” ex checked out when DC was a newborn. Don’t even know where he is these days (doesn’t pay a penny, and no, I’m not chasing that).

Well obviously the chances are the father is some breed of dickhead - either he abandoned them or OP felt the need to leave him. So probably not a great idea that he gets involved 8 years later.

Doesn’t pay a penny! Are you kidding me! What a nightmare. If you weren’t already separated I’d definitely suggest you do. What a terrible person. Does your daughter have any contact with the grandparents?

So another one allowed to get away with it and abandon their child and responsibilities 🙄

How about wearing one of the sparkly dresses when you go to the park or school pick up (provided it's not totally exposing) - it might spark a conversation with someone that you have all these fun clothes and no where to wear them to at the moment.

Your old friends are all in perimenopause… making it very likely you also are? HRT might help therefore

also try and get at home exercise done

I do wonder if the child is whining because you are a bit down yourself - if we could lift your mood hers might improve

beyond that - patience

Again, no. I don’t think he even told his family he left his girlfriend of two years when pregnant with his child. I don’t think my happiness lies in pursuing this guy or contact with his family. So door is closed there.

I’d ask your child if they’ve got any ideas for decorating your house and see what they come up with! It’ll be exciting and it’s great for children to be able to make decisions and show initiative ! And actually put their ideas into practice . I think it’ll make any child feel much more confident /valued and improve the parent /child relationship

they’re only kids for a short time

you’ve got a kid - make the most of it ! 🎉

Yes, I think it’s really good, although I appreciate it may not be for everyone. There is some reading to do and activities etc. I guess you get out what you put in. While it’s no magic bullet, it does help reframe things and gives some direction in trying to make things feel better. My DD is 11 and I’m keen for her to find ways to take care of her wellbeing too. I never really had that as a child so hopefully it will help us both. Best wishes

My ex did this with his mistress, I think they missed the excitement of the affair so have got into swinging. He always found it hard to keep friendships so this was a new avenue with new places to go and people to 'meet'.

You start small and build from there, building on any social contacts you already have. You know people, but dismiss then as 'perimenopausal and weird' why? Have they closed the door on all engagement with you? Or are they just reducing the time available and things they'll do? If the latter, take what is on offer. A walk, coffee or quiet drunk might not be the height of thrills, but its better than nothing and can sometimes be a gateway to doing more fun things together. What about your colleagues? Anyone there who, while may not be best mate laugh a minute material might be a companion to go to an activity? It's hard for most parents to do stuff in the week, but at weekends you could make plans to go see your family for example. Also, do things with your child (I know, it's not sparkly dress territory, but it gets you out and off the sofa). I think you need not to have an all or nothing approach. There's a place between the life of a freedom and fun and drudgery, which is the one most parents tend to be in until their children are independent, and you have to lower your expectations and make the best if it really.

I enjoy:

My New York Times subscription, about €8 per month. I listen to podcasts about 5 days a week and read some articles.

Mumsnetting.

Dating - it's mostly a waste of time, but I sometimes make a new friend from it.

When my sons were younger (16&17 now), I was friendly with the parents of two similar aged boys and we sometimes helped each other out or just hung out in groups to pass the time.

I think you need to expand your friendships with other parents, so you have a little back up.

Have you any nice neighbours that you could invite around for a cuppa?

Have you a spare room? Could you get an au pair, even for the summer months, as a trial?

I’m possibly not qualified to comment because I’m not a single parent now, but my DH and I split for some time while my DS was very small (and I had DS more or less full time for various reasons) and I remember the boredom and drudgery so well. I don’t know why the idea occurred to me, but I decided I was going to have a second stab at education- I did quite well at school but not at all engaged, so I thought that if I had to be stuck at home with a toddler, I may as well do something to help me reach my potential. I had a tough childhood and was never settled enough to do as well as I could have, so I thought that as I’m limited in terms of being able to go out in the evenings, now’s my chance to broaden my horizons in other ways.

I found that when I was learning something that I was interested in, the boredom went away for the duration of my study because your brain can’t focus on learning something complex and how ground down you feel at the same time. Like a little brain holiday!

I had no money, so I scoured the internet for free courses and was surprised just how much there is. Harvard University does some amazing free online courses (look for HBS Online) and lots of other universities do similar things if you search the name or the uni and ‘free online courses’. I got really into it and designed myself a proper little curriculum that I did in the evenings, I learnt history, languages, literature, all sorts. You do have to pay a small fee if you want a certificate to show that you completed the course, but I wasn’t bothered about the certificates so just did the free courses. The ones that universities put out are really in-depth and taught by some amazingly knowledgable people, I was absolutely amazed by the range and quality of what’s out there without having to spend anything!

Just do your own thing. That’s what I do.

If people aren’t free go out with your child or if it’s just you still go anyway.

🎼I dreamed a dream in time gone byyyyyy
So different from this hell I'm liii-ving🎤

Although, presumably not 1800s french prostitute bad.

See I think it's better to go totally non parenting related things; history, science, politics, etc .. actually remember you are an intelligent adult that exists in the world, that it's bigger than the four walls you're in.

How old is your kid now?

I had plans with DD pretty much every weekend or every other weekend up until she was about 13/14 and went through the horrible teens years. Even so we still did stuff together a few times a year.

I know it is really dependent on location too, but try to do things that interest you both. I’m really into both museums and animations so it worked out well for DD when she was little because I was always up for a movie. Check out the cultural programs in your town or nearby.

I couldn’t afford childcare so I was a bit limited on that aspect, but if you’re able to, book clubs and the likes are a good bet too. I had a lot of awkward trial and error but eventually found a group I vibe with (different town though so there’s extra expenses involved, which sucks).