Adult son wants to quit job

[Pickle40]

I have a adult son living at home works 10 to 16 hours a week min part time job, min wage job came home says he wants to quit job I lost it said he cannot just quit and need to look for another job before he leaves pays no lodge or bills buys own clothes and pays own social and car expenses, I wotk part time only due to disability so not a wealth household but atm I'm paying all bills food etc for us both,
Explained to him I cannot just quit job, a relative of mine died left him some money as he was only child in family at the time so he has money in bank which is why he thinks he can just leave, end of the day a adult at 18 plus can do as they wish i cannot really stop him if this is what he decides to do,
I have said I won't be happy or impressed but he also knows I won't kick him out,
Considering making him buy his own food and not buying it anymore and just shop for myself that way some reality may hit in opinions needed please

How old is he?

Also it's ridiculous that he isn't contributing to family bills as an adult, especially when you are struggling. My sister and I both voluntary gave my parents money as young working adults living at home.

Early twenties Just left uni and been in work afew months

He should be working full time and making an appropriate contribution to the household expenses. If he doesn't, you would be justified in telling him to leave.

No way would it be acceptable for him just to leave his job and not have another lined up, or even study.

Unless he's going to move out. While he's in your house, no. I wouldn't have an adult son/daughter doing zilch, or NEET as it's called.

Try sitting down with him and asking him where his employment interest lie. Where does he imagine he will be in 1 year, 5 years 10 years time? Make him write it down then think about how he will get there. He needs to go to see a career advisor to help him focus on finding a job he will enjoy. I would also stress to him he's an adult now and needs to work full time to pay his way as you are disabled so on a limited budget. I'd be telling him he has plenty of time to research jobs he might enjoy as he only works part time but he shouldn't quit until he secured another job.

At 21, when I finished uni, my parents explained that I could have a couple of months free board to sort myself out but after that I’d be paying to live there. I had a (fairly crap) job in a shop stockroom a few weeks later which covered my costs and a bit of socialising until I got the job to kickstart my career ten months later.

My parents are great but they absolutely would have removed my stuff from the house if I hadn’t paid board. Not because they wanted to see me out on a limb, but the opposite. They wanted to see me getting on.

Thanks for responses it's hard as his dad isn't on the scene and it's left to me really, I will admit he is applying for things just not getting anywhere atm I don't want to make life difficult but making it too easy isn't great for him I think if he has to stay buying his own food 50 a week easily he spends then may impact his views on getting a job sooner and not quitting current ine🤔🤣🤣

I think the bigger qn is what does he want to do about a career and his longer term prospects? Is he working towards gaining experience in something he wants to do? Has he researched career prospects, average salaries etc?

It’s easy to live at home rent free, so of course he will choose that option, but what will you do in a years time or longer? Re the money in the bank he needs a wake up call that you pay your rent/mortage, bills, food, then anything else. That money will likely not last long, but could help go towards a course, pay a deposit, give him rent to do a career in xyz … depending on what he wants to do etc.

I’ve seen some similar threads where DC contributes a set charge per week (say equivalent to 50oercent market rate) towards the house, with some or all of it then saved up into a deposit for rent or buying. IMO you need to be firm that this will start from x date, and continue as long as he’s under your roof. If he doesn’t like it he is an adult who can figure out the alternatives.

A careers advisor would also be able to help him Taylor his CV to different jobs.

I’d absolutely be setting boundaries that encourage more responsibility in him. Charge him a monthly fee and explain everything it covers (gas, electric, water, council tax, wifi, food etc). You can save the money if you want to give back to him (but don’t tell him that or give him any money until he moves out). Also give him a list of housework to do and explain if he’s not working he can contribute more in that area. Being skint at home after paying you and spending more time cleaning and doing chores will likely motivate him to stay in employment.

He has a degree and he is only working part time and wants to quit?

you need to engage in some actual tough love. Just making him buy his own food is not enough.

I think it's important to know why he wants to quit his job. Big difference between him wanting to quit his job on a whim, and wanting to quit his job because he's getting bullied or it's affecting his mental health or some such.

He keeps the job but also make sure he is engaging with the uni careers department. They'll support him post-graduation to help hone his CV and look for roles. He needs to be very serious about getting a grad role now though, by September he will already be competing with the next year of graduates.

18 in opening post then next post he's 20.
Not that the age matters he should be contributing.

I have a 23 and 21 living at home, when they left school it was either uni or work and when qualified it was job or nothing. Either a full time job relating to their degree or they find another full time job to tide them over .

there was no option of not working.
we all need to work to live.

This is a big problem for many families. You are not alone. It’s almost invariably young males who are like this. It doesn’t help that PIP and benefits in general are so high that for young males living at home with parents it’s a rational decision to kick back and do nowt but game, drink and chill. I think all benefits for the unemployed under 25s who live with parents should be paid to the mother.

What worked with one of ours was giving him a goal and supporting him towards said goal. The vision was ‘imagine how good you’d look and how much easier to get a girlfriend if you had your own flat’. Then we showed him how much he’d have through realistic saving. Then we matched his saving until he had 5 figures in his bank account. Once his savings reached that amount, he had the bit between his teeth.

The other rules we had were a) you’re either working or studying b) you’re either contributing to household bills or you’re saving.

’relative of mine died…. left him some money …..so he has money in bank’

Charge him a reasonable charge - check online for what others do - for food / board, from now. If he quits work he can pay you out of his money.

It’s fine to quit a job at that age but it’s absolutely not fine to pay your own way. I was paying rent as soon as I left uni. In fact, it was the fact that my folks wouldn’t let me live rent free that gave me the kick up the arse to get a better job and a house share.

You are doing him no favours by letting him live rent free in your house and your brain.

You need to start charging him rent to cover bills including food. I would charge £100 per week. If he quits he can use his inherited money. He'll soon get a job when he starts running out of money. Is it worth him going to take a job test, to see what kind of job suits him best. Then he can look at course/apprenticeships that help him into those kind if jobs?

My parents charged 10% of my salary each month which was a token amount. But yes, easier to find a job when you have a job.

If he has an inheritance in his bank account then he absolutely can just move out. If he spends it all on rent and beer whilst not working, tough shit, he'll have taken a windfall and pissed it up the wall. Once it's gone, it's gone forever.

You are doing him a real disservice by not charging him rent.

Tell him that since he is an adult with money in his bank account, he can either pay you £600 a month to live at home or he can move out. Whether he works, and how many hours he works, is up to him.

Don't think OP said son is 18 in first post, just a general people are adults at 18 plus so can do what they want.

Which he can't if he's living in OP's house.

That’s a shame that he wants to just spend that money. Does he not want to save up to buy a place of his own? Encourage the idea of using that money as a deposit. He can add to it every month from his pay, pay some to you and look for a better paying job. That would be the ideal.
Unfortunately, many young people don’t have vision.

I sometimes wonder if it’s partly because the relation dynamic between parent and child hasn’t developed/shifted. As they get older and go to uni they take on more responsibility for themselves, budgeting, doing their laundry, cooking etc. When they come back they shouldn’t revert to being a child where everything is done for them. Society seems to want to infantilise young adults. As for benefits for under 25 being paid to the mother - how ridiculous and a good example of it.

I would be having a reset conversation and be raising expectations in telling him he needs to contribute both financially and with chores. If he has to use his inheritance then that’s his choice.

It all seems to be very easy to quit these days because it’s sooooo haarrrrd and boring and it affects their mental health. If young people out as much effort into building resilience as they do gazing at their phones/gaming etc they might find they can cope a bit better. We ALL have mental health, like physical health, and we need to learn to manage it not just give up at the first hurdle.