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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To struggle to trust my partner again

48 replies

Cactus3 · 17/06/2025 20:20

My partner and I have had very clear boundaries when it comes to other men / women and what we agree is appropriate / would class as betrayal from the start (I have been cheated on in the past so didn’t want any room for ambiguity).

One Saturday we had a group of friends over for a night on the town and then all headed back to ours for an after party. I was pretty merry and my partner was very drunk.

We were all dancing in the living room when my partner grabbed the breasts of one of our friends from behind and imitated having sex with her. She frowned and moved away, at which point he put his hand round her throat (very gently and in a sexually suggestive manner, not aggressively) - this is a him and I thing in the bedroom. The woman’s partner was in the room but did not see.

I felt pretty sick in the moment and hurt and so when he went to our kitchen alone I followed him and explained that I felt upset about what he had done - I broached this very calmly as he has a tendency of getting rather loud and essentially airing our business if we row when he’s drunk, which mortifies me.

He responded by telling me to stop ruining his night and to “fuck off and entertain our guests,” before slamming the door behind me (I had started to leave the room as he was shouting at me and I was really embarrassed).

Shortly after, the evening ended and I left him to sleep off the drink. The next morning I reminded him what he had done and he was mortified. He said that she is a very platonic friend and he just saw it as messing around. I must say that he is otherwise a very good man (I’m aware this story might suggest otherwise) and this is the first and only “fuck up” in this respect, but I now get huge anxiety when we have people over with drinking as the main activity, and the thought of him going out drinking without me fills me with dread, the rare occasion he does go out without me I cause issue over it as a result and he’s starting to feel trapped.

I feel horrible about it, but also I still carry so much hurt. AIBU? Please be kind!

OP posts:

ElfAndSafetyBored · 17/06/2025 20:23

I think I’d struggle to get over that if I were you, and if I were your friend I wouldn’t ever be socialising with him again.

Foostit · 17/06/2025 20:25

Am I reading this correctly? He’s acting like a twat and embarrassing you but he is starting to feel trapped??? If so he’s got an absolute fucking cheek!

outingouting · 17/06/2025 20:25

I would get over it if he commits to not getting leathered anymore.

KatieDidIt · 17/06/2025 20:26

Drunk or sober, putting his hands on another woman’s breasts is wrong. Then around her throat. You saw what he did. He knows what he did. In short that was sexual assault. Are you going to accept this behaviour? Is your female friend ok with this assault on her body? Please see it for what it is.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 17/06/2025 20:31

He sexually assaulted your friend.. is she ok?

I don't blame you for your feelings and the fact that he's trying to guilt you into letting it go is not a good sign. The lack of trust is very unhealthy but I don't think he's trustworthy so I'm not sure what you can do.

Pleatherandlace · 17/06/2025 20:31

I don’t think I could get over this either. I think alcohol just unmasks a person, it doesn’t fundamentally change their personality, so I would feel that this is who he is underneath. A breast grabbing twat.

Olika · 17/06/2025 20:35

No I couldn’t get over it. I would end the relationship so he can be single and behave whatever twatty shit he wants and not feel trapped

Laura95167 · 17/06/2025 20:38

Id feel really uncomfortable if a man put his hands on my throat. Has he apologised to your friend? He may have been gentle, he may do it consensually with you in private. But even if i was comfy doing it intimately with a partner if a man did it at a party, even a friend id find it really awkward and uncomfortable. And if a friend touched my breasts and simulated sex I might lash out. Really feel awful for your poor friend.

Im inclined to believe the issue isnt his faithfulness but his relationship with alcohol. He is aggressive, sexually and otherwise drunk. He needed reminding of what he did.

Id probably forgive him if he apologised and if he addressed his drinking

Didimum · 17/06/2025 20:42

I have no idea why women don’t believe who men are when they show who they are.

Where is the ambiguity in this, OP? That you believe him to be a ‘good man’? That is a belief. He has directly showed himself not to be. Your relationship sounds toxic.

… he has a tendency of getting rather loud and essentially airing our business if we row when he’s drunk, which mortifies me.

Doesn’t really sound like ‘the first and only fuck up of its kind’. Imagine how he behaves when you’re not around. Christ - do better.

JMSA · 17/06/2025 20:58

What a creep.

tsmainsqueeze · 17/06/2025 21:01

ElfAndSafetyBored · 17/06/2025 20:23

I think I’d struggle to get over that if I were you, and if I were your friend I wouldn’t ever be socialising with him again.

I agree with this , most people will also agree.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 17/06/2025 21:04

What has your friend said? I'd be surprised if you get the opportunity to socialise with her again...

He's a creep, but you already know that. Why would you want to trust him again?

GivingUpFinally · 17/06/2025 21:05

He sexually assaulted your friend. I'd be leaving him and I don't say that lightly. Being drunk is not an excuse or a reason for this type of behaviour. If I was her I'd be having him brought up on charges. Awful, awful behaviour.

Pamspeople · 17/06/2025 21:05

Why on earth would you want to get over that?

He's a creep, an embarrassment, a groper.

You can do better.

MrsTWH · 17/06/2025 21:08

Sounds like he has a problem with alcohol. And he sexually assaulted your friend - what have you said to her?
I wouldn’t be getting over this at all, it would be a dealbreaker for me.

GreyCarpet · 17/06/2025 21:11

Yeah, I don't think I could trust someone who sexually assaulted my friend either.

Original poster

Cactus3 · 17/06/2025 21:14

Thank you for the messages of concern for our friend - I checked she was okay before approaching my partner about it and she said she was. To be honest she was also very drunk and I don’t think she properly grasped what had happened in the moment, beyond obviously wanting to move away from him (I am not trying to suggest her being too drunk to properly register makes it any less invasive or has any less of an effect from her perspective.) We have seen her and her partner since and it hasn't been mentioned. She may even have seen it as an innocently motivated bit of stupidity, as my partner does, I couldn’t say for certain as I am not her. I hope she is truly okay, obviously.

OP posts:

jesihar · 17/06/2025 21:19

Read your first sentence.

when did this happen?

how is your friend? What was her sober reaction?

it’s clearly broken your boundaries, regardless of anything else. So that should be your start point. Follow your gut instincts. She might have not spoken to either of you since, or might have never mentioned it. Or might think it was absolutely hilarious. Either way, it was NOT ok and you are not OK.

so you need to make some decisions

Doorsways · 17/06/2025 21:28

He's scummy low life and undoubtedly abusive.
Sadly you have neither self respect nor esteem to accept being spoken like this.
He has form for treating you appallingly when drunk and has now sexually assaulted your friend.
You are concerned about not trusting him?
Really?

You need to get away from him.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
Get counselling.
Read, Women who love too much by Robin Norwood

Why does he do that? By lundy Bancroft.

Stay away from men until you learn how to protect yourself and raise your relationship bar.

As for that friend that he sexually assaulted hopefully she reports him and stays the hell away from you both.

KatieDidIt · 17/06/2025 21:31

Cactus3 · 17/06/2025 21:14

You say… “Innocently motivated bit of stupidity.”
oh that’s ok then 🙄

Original poster

Cactus3 · 17/06/2025 21:38

KateiDidIt I’m not saying it’s an innocently motivated bit of stupidity at all, I’m saying she may see it that way, as that’s how my partner has viewed it and some others I’ve spoken to. I’m here to gage if I’m correct in my feelings about it, which are of great hurt and mistrust toward him. I have been out with friends who have had similar happen and found it just a bit of fun, whereas myself and others would be very angry about it.

OP posts:

Endofyear · 17/06/2025 21:42

Your partner sexually assaulted your friend - his being drunk is not an excuse. The fact that he is downplaying it indicates that he doesn't see it as serious (and illegal).

I wouldn't stay with a man who did this. I don't know how you would get past it and trust him ever again.

Sleeplessnightssleepydays · 17/06/2025 23:20

I find it very strange OP that you say you and your partner have very clear boundaries regarding other men and women in your relationship and yet you saw your partner sexually assault another woman but didn't see that as crossing a boundary!
It beggars belief that you are still in a relationship with this man.

LyndzB · 17/06/2025 23:22

He sexually assaulted a woman who was very clearly uncomfortable and then grabbed her throat. He’s disgusting. I’d check in on her to make sure she was okay, and dump him.

LyndzB · 17/06/2025 23:24

Sorry I see you have checked with your friend. At this point I would break up with him. He clearly disrespects women. I couldn’t look at him the same way again.

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