To struggle to trust my partner again

[Cactus3]

My partner and I have had very clear boundaries when it comes to other men / women and what we agree is appropriate / would class as betrayal from the start (I have been cheated on in the past so didn’t want any room for ambiguity).

One Saturday we had a group of friends over for a night on the town and then all headed back to ours for an after party. I was pretty merry and my partner was very drunk.

We were all dancing in the living room when my partner grabbed the breasts of one of our friends from behind and imitated having sex with her. She frowned and moved away, at which point he put his hand round her throat (very gently and in a sexually suggestive manner, not aggressively) - this is a him and I thing in the bedroom. The woman’s partner was in the room but did not see.

I felt pretty sick in the moment and hurt and so when he went to our kitchen alone I followed him and explained that I felt upset about what he had done - I broached this very calmly as he has a tendency of getting rather loud and essentially airing our business if we row when he’s drunk, which mortifies me.

He responded by telling me to stop ruining his night and to “fuck off and entertain our guests,” before slamming the door behind me (I had started to leave the room as he was shouting at me and I was really embarrassed).

Shortly after, the evening ended and I left him to sleep off the drink. The next morning I reminded him what he had done and he was mortified. He said that she is a very platonic friend and he just saw it as messing around. I must say that he is otherwise a very good man (I’m aware this story might suggest otherwise) and this is the first and only “fuck up” in this respect, but I now get huge anxiety when we have people over with drinking as the main activity, and the thought of him going out drinking without me fills me with dread, the rare occasion he does go out without me I cause issue over it as a result and he’s starting to feel trapped.

I feel horrible about it, but also I still carry so much hurt. AIBU? Please be kind!

Sorry OP, but this is not ok. Being drunk doesn't excuse grabbing another woman's breasts
and then throat. You are not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable about this situation. You are unreasonable to accept any excuses surrounding it. He did this in front of you - what on earth might he do when you're not around??

You need to work out whether or not you feel comfortable staying with this person. I know I wouldn't. I hope your friend is OK.

As well as sexually assaulting this women he is a horrible drunk so now your life is going to be spent watching him around other women and tip toeing around him when he is drunk. This is no life . You will not be relaxed and able to enjoy social occasions and his aggressive attitude is reason enough to run. The fact he carried on like that with any shows a very worrying side of his character and if he was truly mortified he would decide to quit drink forever as he can't trust himself under the influence.

What an utter creep.

He grabs your friend's breasts. Have you checked she's ok? He assaulted her.

Then he verbally abuses you?

Now he feels suffocated?

Jesus. What a prize you've got there.

He's an utter embarrassment

Disgusting man.

I wouldn’t be happy with this op.
Your dp could end up on assault charges if he does this every time he’s drunk.
He sounds disgusting.

Him telling you he feels trapped is to get you to drop the subject. I agree that you’ll be on edge every time he drinks, this is no way to live.

And you're still with this prince among men because......?

You watched someone who supposedly loves you, sexually assault another woman, pretend to strangle her 'for a laugh' and then feel guilty about not trusting HIM

Dump him. He's a fucking vile rat. I agree with whoever said do the freedom programme

I'm sorry OP, but I 100% agree that this was a sexual assault. Just because your friend was too drunk to react at the time (it may well hit her later), does not mean that this wasn't incredibly serious. I absolutely could not stay with a man that thought it was in anyway acceptable, no matter how drunk, to sexual assault a woman. I hope you leave this man.

I don’t think you should trust your partner. He blames the drink for his behaviour (I wouldn’t totally believe that) so by his logic he completely loses control when drunk and acts like a sleaze/sex pest. So what reason could you possibly have to trust him when he goes out drinking?

i don’t like being around people who behave like this when drunk. And particularly people whose reaction is not absolute mortification and a decision not to drink for the foreseeable, but to shout at you.

The sexual stuff imo is secondary but also pretty awful. He likes strangling and assaulting women because it excites him, not because you have a special kinky bond.

If he’s stormed off, that sounds like a good outcome. Leave him there.

Exactly and then they want to claim themselves as victims of the big bad men when it’s right there in front of their face and they refuse to see it.

Vile. I could not move past this and neither should you. I DGAF how drunk he was.

I know somebody’s husband who was successfully prosecuted for sexual assault in similar circumstances. He ruined a lot of lives. I can’t work out how you can mimic strangling a friend in a sexual fun way ? Your choice to stay but you should know that you are living with a possibility that at any point she could change her mind, report this and he could be charged.

If she’s ok with it, then it’s because it’s something that your partner has form for doing.

He sounds awful. Your poor friend. Poor you.
i would not and could not live with a drunken oaf who sexually assaulted my mate and then kicked off with me about him doing so.
leave him.

I think you all need to stop getting so drunk. Sounds grim.

Part 1. Never argue with a drunk.
Part 2. Never have sex with a man - oh he's a lovely person, kind to small children and animals, blah, blah - who puts his hand round someone else's neck. Especially your own.
Part 3. Wake up, you're worth more than this. Lose him.

He sexually assaulted your mutual friend, in front of you and others, and enjoys ‘gently’ simulating strangulation on you, and also did it to her. Grim / red flags.

He literally couldn't have shown you (and the woman he attacked) the type of man he is any clearer, Op. Sexual assault in public.

He either has to give up alcohol completely, or you need to move on.
If he can’t control his behaviour to the extent that he will sexually assault someone when he’s drunk, he can’t drink. End of.

if he had done this in a pub with your friend someone observing would have reported it as a sexual offence. I’m very surprised your friend is ok with this. I suggest she is playing it down for the sake of her husband. My husband would be talking (and more but I can’t say on a public forum) to your partner about his disgusting behaviour with his wife and we wouldn’t be friends as couples.

Have you said the words to him, that he sexually assaulted someone? If my friend's partner did that to me, I'd be reporting him to the police.

Unless your so-called boundaries include staying with someone who will sexually assault women, you would be an idiot to trust him, because you are staying with a man who will sexually assault women.

You have dropped your boundary completely. Put it back in place by ending the relationship. Or accept that you have no boundary around a partner sexually assaulting other women.

And remember - what you accept is what you get. If you continue in the relationship, he'll do this again. And again and again - because it's just a bit of fun when he's drunk. Or sober. Or there's a 'y' in the month. Or whatever other excuse he comes up with.

Yeah I'm not sure how I'd feel about a man who when his inhibitions were lowered by drink, put his hand around the throat of a person who hadn't explicitly consented it was okay to do so. That would be really terrifying for most people. And a decent man would worry about terrifying people, and wouldn't have the urge to do it when uninhibited.
Also what do you mean you row when drunk...