Neighbour with dementia knocking

[00deed1988]

I have lived at my house for 11 years. Always had the same neighbours but everyone kept themselves to themselves. Unfortunately one side developed dementia about 3 years ago. Seemed under control.

About 6 weeks ago she started relentlessly knocking at my door. Can start at 6 in the morning and go on till 9 at night, from 5-40+ times a day.

She has 2 children, one works all day about 40 minutes away in a job he can't access his phone and the other lives in another country. She has a carer that comes in 2 hours a day.

Ranges from asking general questions to wanting to come in to the house as she is scared.

She has locked herself out several times and I have spare keys to let her in if she does.

I get it isn't her fault but it is really affecting my family now and as horrible as this sounds, it just isn't our problem. I have gone above and beyond for a stranger.

I work 12.5 hour night shifts in a job I need concentration and it interrupts my sleep and I am unable to get back to sleep half the time. My kids (14 and 11) are fed up as everytime they try to make a video (want to be youtubers) the door goes or we try to play a game or settle down to watch a movie it starts.

The cats are antisocial and basically live on the top of the wardrobe in our bedroom once it starts as they are scared.

The last few days I have been trying to ignore it, I have unplugged the doorbell and only answer if she starts hammering on the window or letterbox. I watch to make sure she gets back in the house OK but even this is really disruptive.

I spoke to the children today and they said they will look at getting more care in. She seems to be getting increasingly confused, started knocking as far as 4 doors up but not as often and today talking about going to get the bus into town asking if I can go. The other day I arrived home from work and she had given her keys to 2 teenage boys to open her door as she couldn't open it and they were in her porch. She is getting riskier and risked and I can't see this ending well.

My husband and I work around each other so there is usually one of us home but we wanted to go to the cinema on Thursday night just us two. The kids will be fine on their own for 2 hours but I now am reluctant because of her.

The neighbours on the other side are in poor physical health in their 90s and are really struggling when she knocks there too, they are now just not answering their door ever unless someone has called to say they are on their way.

Sorry this was long.

AIBU for considering contacting the police on 101 or duty social worker and escalating this or is that too much.

At the end of my tether and don't have any experience in any of this so any advice would be great.

This happened to us, but our neighbour was wandering in the cul de sac in her nightdress at night. Her family lived in Ireland and no one could contact them. It was desperately sad, we were so worried about her. The final straw was when the local pub found her in their beer garden one night. We knew then we had to contact social services.

Id ring adult social services and escalate, not sure what the police could do apart from refer to SS

This ☝️ How awful for her to be so scared all the time, she needs a place of safety and 24 hour care.

In addition to contact adult social care, I would contact the GP. You know her name and address and while they can’t share information about her with you, they can take information from you about your concerns and help escalate to adult social care, which may help speed things up.

That's just heartbreaking and very stressful.for you.

Do you ever get to see the carers? Maybe tell them and ask for advice. Definitely contact social services.

Does her child visit her?

Definitely contact social services. My dad done similar and I wish people around him had alerted us sooner to what was happening ( I live a few hundred miles away from him).
She is now extremely vulnerable if she is wandering outside and giving strangers her keys.

Poor woman - and so difficult for all of you. Do contact Adult Social Services. She needs assessing as a vulnerable adult.

I have found Adult Social Services to be really helpful for this. She is vulnerable and it seems like it’s a crisis point.

It is so sad when this happens, but you should not be left to deal with this , and it does sound like she would be safer in residential care.

I'd call 111 and 101, she the police and paramedics can do a welfare check, I'd also let the carers and adult social services know. I would seriously consider handing over the keys, it's nice to help out but she's not your responsibility , tell her son she is constantly knocking, seems confused, he needs to come and see her, that you will be contacting the police and do not want her house keys anymore.,

Definitely contact Social Work Services. Advise you want to submit a written Cause for Concern / Adult Protection Report of Harm (whatever they call it in your area). The referral form may well be available on your local Council's website as anyone can raise a concern about a vulnerable adult or child. I highly recommend this be a written referral and not just a telephone call.

You can also contact the police on 101 for advice.

If there is a Safer Communities team in your Council, you can report to them too.

In my experience (I work in this sector) , you are best to contact all the services which may help as it can be hard to get action taken unless pressure is applied.

As suggested above, if you have an idea of what GP practice she is registered at, you can also make contact with them, say you understand they cannot discuss with you but you need to let them know your concerns.

Good luck OP. 💐

Call social services and tell her kids that their poor mother's health has deteriorated so much, that it is far beyond your capabilities, or that of the other neighbours, to keep her safe. You simply cannot do this anymore, do not feel guilty. It is hard when you don't live nearby and a relative has dementia, they can go downhill very fast between visits. But it needs to be made clear to them they need to take action now. We had this when my FIL became very ill - thankfully DH is self employed so spent half his time between Ireland and the UK, keeping an eye on him and getting him to all his appointments, while my BIL was lucky to have a very understanding employer. It took time to get a residential care package in place and caused us a lot of disruption but you do what you have to do. Neighbours keeping an eye out doesn't begin to scratch the surface of what a spiralling dementia sufferer needs.

I wonder if the way to do this alongside contacting social services is to make yourself as much of a nuisance to her son as she is (unintentionally) being to you. While he's hundreds of miles away its easy to play down or misunderstand the seriousness of her decline and the impact its having. I'd be calling or texting him every time it happens. The more he feels the impact the more likely he is to up her carer visits or consider residndtial care.

I have a grandparent with dementia so am hugely sympathetic and understand this awful illness but the reality is it gets worse not better so you need to act now.

I’d be calling adult social services to report and informing her children that is what you’ve done so that it prompts some action from them too.

I'd call aduly social services and explain what's happening and that she's extremely vulnerable.

Call adult social services definitely.
Also if it was me I would be really clear to her DC how much this is now impacting your life, those of your neighbours and that it’s unfair on their mother.

They need Social services to assess the situation again as the current care arrangements are not working

OP, I had a similar issue with my lovely old neighbour. Poor man was living on his own but I noted he had a marked cognitive decline over the space of a few months. I didn’t have the contact details for his family, so me and other neighbours would keep an eye (I work FT so not always easy). The guy had carers come in, and meals on wheels (can’t say if it was daily). My kids were younger then but used to seeing infirm and confused people (I’ve had to bring them to my ward enough times in the past), and I told them to also keep an eye out for him.

when I found him wondering about my garden without his trousers, I walked him back home, got him dressed, noted the state of the place (and uneaten food everywhere), called 111 and did what @WheresthesaladTheresthesalad suggested: called duty social worker, and also the GP surgery. I made sure I took names of whom I’d spoken to and said I wanted it raised as a safeguarding issue. They helped him very quickly, off to hospital, then on to a home.

Does she have a front gate that her children can lock and get her mail redirected until she is taken into care? Spare key to the care service, so that if she leaves her house she can’t leave her front garden?

I went to speak to the carer today (she was at my door when they turned up) She had no idea what was going on, her kids said they had been talking to her about it. She said social services probably best bet as she is only paid for 2 hours a day!

The thing is I have been updating them near enough daily and I barely get acknowledgement. I get that it is hard but usually they just respond apologising and saying they will put up signs on the door to tell her not to knock.

The one that lives here comes a couple of times a week. Often at the weekend but not much during the week, maybe one evening for dinner.

I think I needed that. I work in a caring profession. I am a very empathetic person. It is not in my nature to be like that but it is causing a bit of a rift between my husband and I as he just wants to ignore permanently no matter what. But I know I need to do what you say. I keep thinking if something happens I will blame myself but it just isn't our responsibility.

We had this, it rapidly escalated over a 6 month period. Locking herself out 6+ times a day, dropping keys all over the neighbourhood. I ended up making sure I contacted the family every single time she arrived on my doorstep to inform them, often 6 times a day, I made it clear this was a service i wasn't willing to provide and arrangements had to be made. She ended up in a care home quite quick once I started disturbing them each and every time she disturbed us. Sounds harsh but I'm sure they'd have allowed me to continue as their unpaid carer unless I'd done that

No. It's a semi detached (hers is not attached to me) with a drive shared with us. We have an alley between us but it is all open. She is constantly out the front sweeping the drive/path. But directly onto a semi busy road. 3 bus routes, schools locally, big housing estate opposite.

Yes I would bother the children, she really needs
24 hour carers or a care home. I’m a nurse and very cynical now after my time on the wards- it may be they don’t want to fund care. I’m assuming it’s her own home, they may not want to sell it so are just making the right noises with no intentions of dealing with it. Try social services too. Highlight dangers- busy road and her wandering. Letting strangers in.

Once you've reported it to adult SS and the GP, ring the police every single time this happens. Everyone who has a responsibility towards her is massively failing her, if they let this continue once they've been informed. Her carer should be escalating this, since you've made her aware - it's basic safeguarding, whether she's only paid for 2 hours or not. Her children especially are being neglectful.
The police will get pissed off at having to come out all the time and they have more ability than you do to get help.
Poor woman - anything could happen to her. And tbh you need to get her properly looked after before she burns the house down or something!