Neighbour with dementia knocking

[00deed1988]

I have lived at my house for 11 years. Always had the same neighbours but everyone kept themselves to themselves. Unfortunately one side developed dementia about 3 years ago. Seemed under control.

About 6 weeks ago she started relentlessly knocking at my door. Can start at 6 in the morning and go on till 9 at night, from 5-40+ times a day.

She has 2 children, one works all day about 40 minutes away in a job he can't access his phone and the other lives in another country. She has a carer that comes in 2 hours a day.

Ranges from asking general questions to wanting to come in to the house as she is scared.

She has locked herself out several times and I have spare keys to let her in if she does.

I get it isn't her fault but it is really affecting my family now and as horrible as this sounds, it just isn't our problem. I have gone above and beyond for a stranger.

I work 12.5 hour night shifts in a job I need concentration and it interrupts my sleep and I am unable to get back to sleep half the time. My kids (14 and 11) are fed up as everytime they try to make a video (want to be youtubers) the door goes or we try to play a game or settle down to watch a movie it starts.

The cats are antisocial and basically live on the top of the wardrobe in our bedroom once it starts as they are scared.

The last few days I have been trying to ignore it, I have unplugged the doorbell and only answer if she starts hammering on the window or letterbox. I watch to make sure she gets back in the house OK but even this is really disruptive.

I spoke to the children today and they said they will look at getting more care in. She seems to be getting increasingly confused, started knocking as far as 4 doors up but not as often and today talking about going to get the bus into town asking if I can go. The other day I arrived home from work and she had given her keys to 2 teenage boys to open her door as she couldn't open it and they were in her porch. She is getting riskier and risked and I can't see this ending well.

My husband and I work around each other so there is usually one of us home but we wanted to go to the cinema on Thursday night just us two. The kids will be fine on their own for 2 hours but I now am reluctant because of her.

The neighbours on the other side are in poor physical health in their 90s and are really struggling when she knocks there too, they are now just not answering their door ever unless someone has called to say they are on their way.

Sorry this was long.

AIBU for considering contacting the police on 101 or duty social worker and escalating this or is that too much.

At the end of my tether and don't have any experience in any of this so any advice would be great.

I would escalate yes - and call her family each and every time it happens.

I have to say that my aunts sons managed to take a back seat in her care when when it was obvious she needed more help. My poor mum ended up doing it. (I am over 100 miles away).

It was only when she kept calling her son in the middle of the night did things get better.

Im sorry to say this as often family’s do want to do their best but some are simply oblivious until it starts to impact them.

Family often eek out someone like this remaining in their own home for as long as possible as they see their inheritance going out the window in the form of care home fees.
Stop propping up the situation.
Hand back the keys to the DC and contact SS ASAP stating that you refuse to be involved further.
The more this inconveniences the family the quicker they may act.

That's a bit how I feel. They are using me as the 2nd carer to help out all the time. I work 60 odd hours a week. My husband works opposite shifts. 2 kids. A life and I feel like it is being impacting severely. We go on holiday regularly (not been since all this started) and leave the cats at home with a sitter that visits and they will probably be terrified the whole time we are away. She tried to force the door handle when we don't answer and hammers on the window so who knows what damage she will do.

Thanks for all the words of encouragement. I needed that. I just feel bad but think it is just the way I am built but I know it is the right thing to do. I will contact social services tomorrow. The son never replied to me today but his car is outside (before he usually finishes work). I did send a 3 minute voice note at the end of my tether today so maybe he is taking it seriously now.

My mother does this, I’ve told her neighbours just call the police each time. I live 10 mins away. My sibling live 1+ hours away. I was abused my whole childhood and I’ve made it clear that I’m not helping but they still call me all the time. It’s so stressful. My advice OP would be call the police or adult services

This is awful, apart from the disruption to you this is such s huge safeguarding issue. She clearly needs residential care and her carer should be escalating that to their managers.

Sadly it may be down to you if no one else is acting. As others have said ring up social service and report a safeguarding concern with a vulnerable oap. Good luck.

I'm sorry for what you've experienced but like it or not next of kin do have to step up. You don't need to like it nor do it out of love or concern but it shouldn't be left to neighbours. How have they got your number?

Only spoken to her today for the first time at 1:45 and I do wonder if she has already escalated it as he doesn't finish work till at least 4 and then would need to drive over but was here around 3:45. The carer has now been here 2 hours 45 mins which is usually only 2 and I have never seen the son there at the same time as her before.

She had no idea, when I told her she said they children told her about it happening once after a bad night's sleep. Didn't know it was daily.

I'm hoping something is being done as we speak!

Agree with this. It’s very painful but the reality is that the children need to step up here, accept they aren’t getting the value of the house as an inheritance, and buckle up for a Social Services engagement

Refer to adult safeguarding. She sounds like she needs to be in residential care - are the family resisting it as the house would go to pay for it?

Seriously, don’t feel bad. Would you expect your parents or other elderly family members to be supported by their neighbours? The kids’s heads are in the sand (guessing male children, maybe unfairly), but it is their responsibility to sort this out and if they take a deep breath, it can all be sorted pretty quickly.

It’s so sad OP but it sounds like it is time that social services start looking for a space in a care home. At the moment she’s knocking at your door but it isn’t far away from the point where she might start wandering further, going out at night time, potentially coming to harm at home as she gets more confused. You can’t go on like this and neither can she.

Sounds like you just needed some moral support in making that step to contact social services. If you’re a care worker yourself you know what it might lead to so you know overall you are doing the right thing for this lady as well as yourselves

Hoping that his early arrival is a good sign OP. Sounds like he was happy for other people to take the burden which just isn't acceptable. I really hope the poor woman gets the help she needs, and you get your peace back.

They have my number as I am friends with one of them and then they passed my number to the other side . I really don’t have to step up and I’ve made it clear to them why I won’t but they keep calling. I’m NC with my mother and I intend to keep it that way. My siblings can step up or the police and adult services can be contacted. I’m not going to risk my MH.

This was my thoughts but obviously they aren't going to admit to that. The thing is half the time she doesn't think it is even her house although she has lived there 40 years. So it isn't like she doesn't want to leave it. Half the time she wants to 'go home' so it isn't being kind to leave her in there!

I know I shouldn't feel bad. Think I have gotten it from my mum. She would take care of all the elderly neighbours and stuff (willingly) and is a people pleaser and I am trying to break away from what is ingrained in me! My head knows what I need to do but then I get this horrible guilt too and I know I shouldn't.

You are right with the male children! I think the son has taken her with him as all quiet since him and carer left. I'm not sure what happened with the carer but nothing said in the WhatsApp group.

Hi OP. I look after DH with Lewy Bodies dementia. I would speak to the family first and gently note that the level of care at the moment is not supportive enough. Social Services can do a care support assessment. In DH’s case I understand his desire for freedom and he does need managing. In his case, he wants to go home, but of course he is home and if he gets out he will wander aimlessly looking for a place which he does not really know. There is an also a protocol you can discuss with your local Police station where people with dementia go missing. I have been really grateful over time that my neighbours have exercised some forbearance. Equally though it does not sound like generally that your neighbour is safe.

Agree with previous posters saying that you should contact Social Services. As you said,it's not really your problem.

I'm a midwife so very much out of my scope! Haha. Did my dementia training years ago when I joined my trust but it is very much out of my brain now! But I definitely know it is for the best. I think I did just need some other people to reassure that we are doing the right thing. Only experience I have with dementia was my great grandmother but she went into a home as soon as my great grandfather passed away so apart from visiting her we never had to deal with what went on in her own home.

Sorry but they actually don't have to step up

No, but if they don't, then they can't block her getting the care she needs because they want their inheritance.

Well I’m disinherited since 2019 anyway !

I remember a thread on Mumsnet a few years ago where the neighbour with dementia was banging on the Mumsnet poster's door numerous times during the night. The family visited frequently during the day but were desperate not to lose the house for care home fees and begged the Mumsnet poster not to report to Social Services. I think she had to do it in the end.

Your neighbour is lucky that you have been so patient and caring. I hope the situation is now quickly resolved and you get peace to enjoy your own home.

Ring social services

Well of course not, the only point I was making is that no one 'has' to step up