To not understand why its so hard to adjust?

[Confusedhare]

This is something I've been wondering for a while. I have a toddler ds and my parents love to see him. He's not their first grandchild, they have another 15 yo dgd who's my brothers child. I've recently moved to the same village as my family and so we're seeing them much more often and I'm struggling to understand their stubbornness on parenting ideals. Full disclosure, my upbringing wasn't great and my mum really struggled so I'm very determined that ds will have a more positive experience with me than I had with them.

At the same time I try not to be a dose about things, and I accept there will be a level of "their house their rules" but when it comes to ds safety I find it really odd they insist on being 'right' instead of being willing to remove risk.

Examples:

• I mentioned I was getting ds a rear facing carseat - in their day it was fine to put a toddler front facing in a booster seat and that's what he'll be travelling in in their car (instead of me providing a rear facing car seat for them to use and fitting it etc for them)

-I got some foam door stops as ds has nearly caught his fingers so many times on the hinges of doors in their house and is currently in a phase of wanting to slam doors and I'm worried he'll hurt himself / damage their doors - in their day they didn't need such things and children just knew not to do it, joked that if he loses a finger then he'll know not to do it again.

• I cut ds grapes up - in their day children knew how to eat full grapes so they will not be wasting time on that.

• I don't like ds being left alone with their dog who's bit both of them before - I'm ridiculous and over the top and the dog is fine and I overthink everything.

• I explained the need for ds to sleep on a flat surface and not have loads of teddies etc in the bed when he was smaller - in their day babies slept in a raised cot with toys and were fine so they have gone in to his bedroom and put things under his cot to raise it after me telling them not to. If they are babysitting he will be covered in heavy blankets with every Teddy in his cot and will be sweating.

• they begrudgingly let me give them a fire guard for the massive open fire in their living room but refuse to actually attach it to the wall even though ds has pulled it down on himself before - in their day there was no need for it and they refuse to damage their walls.

-I suggested internal child locks for the cupboards in the kitchen as my mum was getting angry with ds pulling everything out when she was watching him - refused as noone needed to childproof in her day and ds should just know not to go into the cleaning cupboard with the bleach etc. Similarly it's more important to her to leave the washing machine and tumble dryer open to air every day so it doesn't get mouldy while leaving ds running about unattended instead of closing the door incase ds got trapped inside.

I have a few friends with kids about the same age and their parents are similarly determined to impose their own parenting boundaries over that of the actual parents. One of my friends actually had a row over their insistence that it's their right to give her 2 yo full fat coke and a ready made coffee drink. And I just don't get it. I can't imagine babysitting my grandkids and being so insistent that I'm right that I'd go directly against my son or dils requests and take the risk on something happening that I've been warned about - how you'd forgive yourself if a child got seriously hurt after you ploughed ahead I really don't know.

I've tried to explain things to them, explained why I'm saying it and the research behind it but they just mock me and tell me I read too much nonsense and they didn't read any parenting books in their day and it's hardly rocket science.

AIBU?

It’s because you’re implicitly criticising their parenting and your own upbringing with every stipulation. Or that’s how they view it, anyway.

But why doesn’t matter, particularly. It comes down to whether you trust them to look after your child and whether their house is a sufficiently safe environment. The dog alone would mean I never left my child there.

Why are you leaving your son there knowing some of these things? I wouldn't worry about him getting trapped in the washing machine but leaving him alone with the dog and the worry about grapes is enough. I've seen a child choke on a cherry tomato. Very distressing. Grapes are the same. How can you leave him knowing they won't cut them up? It's almost like they'll deliberately give him grapes to say "See. Nothing to worry about." Don't leave him there alone again.

Some of your rules might perhaps be seen as ever so slightly excessive...... but the dog and the bleach cupboard issues would be dealbreakers for me.

You say you had a bad childhood but want them to look after your son? None of things in your op my (boomer) parents would do. No chance I would allow my child to be in a house with a dog that bites.

Things like dogs/safe sleeping/grapes etc would be enough for me.
If they can't/won't provide a safe environment don't leave your child with them.
Some of these things weren't safe back in their day either and children died. We do it differently now because of that.

I don't know how old your parents are, but I'm early 50s and none of the things you've mentioned would have been unusual in my parenting young children days. I had soft corners placed on my coffee table, door catches, etc. The only thing different is that we faced them forward in car seats earlier. I think your parents were less usual if they are around my age.

I do think wanting people to look after your child but then imposing a list of rules can rub people up the wrong way, rightly or wrongly.

They are quite clearly being unreasonable so I don't think you should be leaving your son alone with them. Not sure if you have done? If they're just making snarky comments while you're all together then just smile, nod and say "okay" and change the subject. No point explaining, they won't listen.

This is what's currently happening, he's not alone at their house but they do provide some childcare at my house when ds is going to bed but that's rare. They are constantly complaining about wanting more time with him and have been offering to take him for full days for me so I don't need to pay for nursery every day but I can't take them up on it because they refuse to make those changes. I smile and nod along now but it does make me wonder why, if you really want to have more time with a gc you wouldn't just go with it and say fair enough these are worries their parents have so I'll take it on board. It feels like they're prioritising being right over their gc. And that's really sad.

Jesus Christ!
WOW! I’d just not be seeing them. Your child’s safety trumps ANYTHING else and everything you said is acceptable.. they are morons..

I am struggling to know why you moved closer to them TBH. Most of the stuff sounds like hard work, some downright dangerous (bed/ dog).

I wouldn’t engage TBH, just sigh and change the subject whilst doing things your own way. In any event as others have said, the dog issue alone would mean that I wouldn’t be taking my child there unless the dog was locked away and I certainly wouldn’t be leaving my child there alone.

I wouldn’t send him there. You want to be surrounded by people who love and support you as the mother of your child. This isn’t that - it’s constant arguing and stress. Don’t put yourself through it.

You say "I suggested internal child locks for the cupboards in the kitchen as my mum was getting angry with ds pulling everything out when she was watching him". This strongly suggests you have left him there alone.

You also say "their house their rules", which again suggests he is there alone. If you were there at their house at the same time none of this becomes an issue for you to mention it on Mumsnet as you'd be looking after him. Don't leave him there alone again.

I think they don't actually want to take him for the day. But this way they can say to their pals "oh it's so sad, we keep offering but they insist on sending him to nursery" without looking like uninvolved grandparents

Hmm most of the atuff you've suggested is reasonable but a few might seem over the top so there's a chance they've just ruled all your safety precautions as excessive.

Not sure if you've read the full thread but after seeing these issues ds is no longer left there alone and I pay for full time nursery for him. @heronwatcher I moved because I separated from my sons dad and couldn't afford housing on my own where we previously lived. I was hoping to have more of a support network and my mum had been adamant they'd give all this help, but in reality I probably am no better off in that regard so could have moved anywhere which is very frustrating. At the time everything was very overwhelming and unexpected so I guess I went to what I knew and the distance had really benefitted our relationship and my parents had never had ds alone prior to me moving, we were always there when they/ we visited.

I think a very frank conversation where you say "I would love him to spend more time with you, as much as you would, but your insistence at continuing to do things that I don't believe to be safe for my son, means that just can't happen which is a real shame. Research is continually evolving and there is no need to put him at risk in order to prove a point"

Maybe point out the ways in which smoking, asbestos etc are viewed now we know more about them. Or that you understand that they followed the guidance in their day and now you're following it in yours.

Issues in my childhood were predominantly (as I remember it and as i was told) due to my mums poor mental health after a series of difficult life experiences she had had while we were very young. She'd been much much better over the last number of years. Distance also obviously made it easier for her to hide things as well so now I'm back I'm seeing more that makes me feel it wasn't solely mental health.

"Research is continually evolving and there is no need to put him at risk in order to prove a point. Maybe point out the ways in which smoking, asbestos etc are viewed now we know more about them. Or that you understand that they followed the guidance in their day and now you're following it in yours.

this is the line I've taken it down because I'm very aware I don't want it to come across as judging or criticising their parenting. This is just me doing what I've been told by experts to do. But it falls on deaf ears.

Please don’t let these absolute twats look after your child, ever.

I wasn’t given whole grapes as a child and my mum had sensible car seats and a fire guard and I’m 35. You just have twatty parents. I really hope you don’t leave your kids with them.

You’re right you shouldn’t and don’t come across as judging or criticising their approach.

But you do need to value your own wellbeing and take a critical look at how they’re making you feel. You clearly feel stressed and you’re questioning your own approach to life. Good people don’t make you feel like this.

It’s really okay to listen to your feelings and stop letting them take up head space or letting them look after your son alone.

You aren’t keeping your child safe when you allow them to do what they want. Time to stop allowing your child over there.

I think there are two elements to this.

One is that by telling your parents that the things they did when you were a child were wrong, you are basically implying that they were bad parents who didn't keep you safe, when as far as they are concerned. you were perfectly safe because you survived into adulthood. You're not being unreasonable or wrong at all - advice changes! But I think subconsciously it can be irksome for parents who brought their kids up safely without doing the things we would do now.

My mum is 80, had three kids and worked in childcare all her working life. She was an incredibly good and conscientious mum and had training in childcare and child safety etc - so she tends to bristle slightly at being told she's doing things wrong because to her it feels like she's being patronised or told she wasn't a good parent/carer because she used to do some of the things parents are now told are dangerous/harmful/wrong. She did respect wishes around stuff like cutting up grapes for my brother's kids when they were little, but I know it annoyed her. Your parents should be respecting your wishes but I can see why they'd be a bit irritable or feel a bit attacked.

The other is that you're asking them to make actual modifications to their home to make it childproof for a small child when they are not in fact parents of a small child. I don't have kids and I wouldn't be fixing anything to my walls either, or fitting child locks to my cupboards. If that meant I wasn't allowed to babysit toddlers, that's fine - the parents would need to find someone else to provide childcare.

You are obviously not in the wrong for wanting your child to be safe! I completely understand your worries over car seats, cots, grapes etc and they should be respecting your wishes even if it annoys them. But I don't think fixed fireguards, child locks, door wedges etc are something they're obliged to fit in their own house, and I think if you're not happy about the safety standards then you need to stop leaving your son with them when you're not there and accept that you can't use them for childcare.

This is the perfect response OP.

Your parents sound like tools to me.

I wouldn't be leaving my dc with them at all ever.