To not understand why its so hard to adjust?

[Confusedhare]

This is something I've been wondering for a while. I have a toddler ds and my parents love to see him. He's not their first grandchild, they have another 15 yo dgd who's my brothers child. I've recently moved to the same village as my family and so we're seeing them much more often and I'm struggling to understand their stubbornness on parenting ideals. Full disclosure, my upbringing wasn't great and my mum really struggled so I'm very determined that ds will have a more positive experience with me than I had with them.

At the same time I try not to be a dose about things, and I accept there will be a level of "their house their rules" but when it comes to ds safety I find it really odd they insist on being 'right' instead of being willing to remove risk.

Examples:

• I mentioned I was getting ds a rear facing carseat - in their day it was fine to put a toddler front facing in a booster seat and that's what he'll be travelling in in their car (instead of me providing a rear facing car seat for them to use and fitting it etc for them)

-I got some foam door stops as ds has nearly caught his fingers so many times on the hinges of doors in their house and is currently in a phase of wanting to slam doors and I'm worried he'll hurt himself / damage their doors - in their day they didn't need such things and children just knew not to do it, joked that if he loses a finger then he'll know not to do it again.

• I cut ds grapes up - in their day children knew how to eat full grapes so they will not be wasting time on that.

• I don't like ds being left alone with their dog who's bit both of them before - I'm ridiculous and over the top and the dog is fine and I overthink everything.

• I explained the need for ds to sleep on a flat surface and not have loads of teddies etc in the bed when he was smaller - in their day babies slept in a raised cot with toys and were fine so they have gone in to his bedroom and put things under his cot to raise it after me telling them not to. If they are babysitting he will be covered in heavy blankets with every Teddy in his cot and will be sweating.

• they begrudgingly let me give them a fire guard for the massive open fire in their living room but refuse to actually attach it to the wall even though ds has pulled it down on himself before - in their day there was no need for it and they refuse to damage their walls.

-I suggested internal child locks for the cupboards in the kitchen as my mum was getting angry with ds pulling everything out when she was watching him - refused as noone needed to childproof in her day and ds should just know not to go into the cleaning cupboard with the bleach etc. Similarly it's more important to her to leave the washing machine and tumble dryer open to air every day so it doesn't get mouldy while leaving ds running about unattended instead of closing the door incase ds got trapped inside.

I have a few friends with kids about the same age and their parents are similarly determined to impose their own parenting boundaries over that of the actual parents. One of my friends actually had a row over their insistence that it's their right to give her 2 yo full fat coke and a ready made coffee drink. And I just don't get it. I can't imagine babysitting my grandkids and being so insistent that I'm right that I'd go directly against my son or dils requests and take the risk on something happening that I've been warned about - how you'd forgive yourself if a child got seriously hurt after you ploughed ahead I really don't know.

I've tried to explain things to them, explained why I'm saying it and the research behind it but they just mock me and tell me I read too much nonsense and they didn't read any parenting books in their day and it's hardly rocket science.

AIBU?

I’m a granny to three grandchildren. My ds and his wife are doing things differently to the way I did things when I was raising my three - we discuss the differences, and how things have changed, but the bottom line is that they are the parents, so dh and I follow their lead when we are helping look after their children.

There are plenty of things where the guidelines have got stricter since I was raising babies - car seats is a perfect example - but I don’t see that as a criticism of how we did it back in the day - I don’t take it personally. I could say “We did X, or Y or Z with you, and you turned out fine” - but I wouldn’t do that. I prefer to tell them what a good job they are doing, and how proud I am.

I want a good relationship with ds1 and my wonderful DIL, and their daughters - I love them and want to support them - that’s what matters for me. Do I agree with all the new guidelines/child rearing methods? No, I don’t - but that doesn’t matter - it is completely irrelevant.

I wouldn't leave my dc alone with them again. They aren't safe to care for him.

I'm in my 60s and I didn't bother with child locks on the cupboards or closing the washing machine, but that was because child-proof lids were already the norm (and most of them I struggled to open), and the washing machine was in a different room with a high latch.

All the other risks were well known. I cannot imagine not securing a fire guard.
Basically they care more for their plasterwork than they do for your child.

This is really lovely and I think this is the bit that annoys me because I would love to have that level of support around me, especially now I'm lone parenting it would mean the world to have my decisions be respected rather than continuously queried or undermined.

I don't expect them to agree with me on everything, and I fully understand why it might come across as irritating for them but I just wish they respected me enough as a parent to make those calls. That would mean the world.

Agree. The dog is the biggest red flag here. I say this as a dog lover and owner and a mother. Time to get firm, OP.

Bleeding heck they soundy batty on somethings the fire guard and the bleach cupboard being the obvious. We as grandparents must go with the times especially for safety .I mean my mum did the grape thing 30 odd years ago so they didn't miss that one just the type unwilling to bend for small children. I do everything my dil suggests the only thing I did push back a bit was .no blankets sorry a sleepless sleeping bag is no good on a cold winters night unless you have 24hr heating. A few light baby blankets onto does no harm .the only thing she agreed was fine from my sons baby days .

As an older mumsnetter, we were very safety conscious with our children. I guess we didn’t have small tomatoes and rarely had grapes around, but even the car seat, dog awareness and cot safety in the 1990s was well known. If you were just visiting occasionally I’d say you have to respect their rules and simply be on guard at all times, but no way are they adequate as carers. I haven’t worked in early years since Covid, but I’m sure things have changed significantly and would be open to improved safety ideas. I guess your parents wouldn't like to drive cars and be treated by the NHS based on 1980/90s practices!

Speaking as a grandmother.

DH & me have always had the policy that the children's parents are in charge & we follow their rules.

We recognise that times change & things once considered safe are no longer safe. If one of our DCs had specified a particular kind of car seat, DH & me would go out & buy that kind. Our GC are growing up now (youngest nearly 7), but when they were little we asked DC's advice on how to make our house & garden safe for little ones. We have a very calm friendly spaniel, but would never leave a young child alone with her. It doesn't matter how calm & good a dog is, there's no knowing how they may react if a toddler pulls their ear or scares them.

Another thing I do everything my dil says because. A we have a fantastic relationship so would not want to jepordise that. but more importantly. We find newer safety guidelines with every generation and I would never want anything to happen to my girls .the dog thing is madness. I never feel grandaughters in any danger from my dog .but that's because he is well trained and never left alone with them .because dogs are descendants from wolves after all

Your child, your rules. They follow them, or they don’t see him. It’s really simple. Doesn’t matter if they, or indeed I or anyone else, agrees with you, he’s your child. Stick to your guns op.

Wondering gently if they are pushing back because they simply didn't have those issues with their own children. My DD (absolutely no angel) just didn't pull things like fireguards over. She didn't stick knives in sockets, pull things out of cupboards, slam doors, try and eat detergent pods or whatever. I can't remember what we did with tomatoes and grapes. DD did climb dangerously high trees but that's a different issue.

I never had to deal with any of the things you mention. Backwards facing child seats are statistically safer but seem counter intuitive, for example. Obviously all children are different and I wonder if your parents just aren't used to a more active child? I am not making excuses, just wondering.

YANBU to want to keep your child safe.

You are the parent so it is your job to keep him safe. That means you only allow people who adhere to the same safety standards as you to take care of him.

You wouldn't send your child to a childminder whose house wasn't set up to care for children properly, so you apply the same standards to your parents.

You should treat your parents like any other person who you don't trust to care for your child. That means you have to supervise him yourself when at their house. You don't leave him in their care and you certainly don't let him travel in their car without an appropriate car seat.

I am 58. My parents are mid 80s.

Some of the things you mention were not normal when I was a kid!
My parents looked after their grandkids 20 years ago, and there were many changes since we were little, especially around car seats etc. My parents followed what we asked, as a matter of courtesy to us.

Your parents are being ridiculous. Those things were not normal when you were a child, and if they were they they were out of step even then.

One or two I did roll my eyes at. (washing machine and teddies in bed for a toddler are not really an issue.)
But there are enough things on that list which would be non-negotiables, especially the dog (and I am a dog owner)

I do think that you are actually not dealing with it though. The next time she says they want to spend more time with dc, then you need to say - I can't leave him here at the moment because you disagree with me about things which are important to me around safety. If you were to agree to those things, then you could have him one day per week.

The big question is whether or not you trust them to stick to the rules when you are not there.

Its hard for grandparents these days as so many things they were told to do or were accepted as OK when they became parents have now become unacceptable. They often feel that it was OK when they did it so whats the issue now. Try to explain that new advice says not to do certain things (pick the important ones) like overheating. With grapes etc, perhaps give them a pulp teeether to use, the dog issue for me would be a no. On all the things that probably don't matter too much let it go . And ask them their advice every now and again to make them feel useful. Its hard, as I am sure they mean well they just need to be made aware of some of the upto date stuff that matters.

It's really not hard. People just are arrogant believing their way is the only way and can't be arsed to adjust.