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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I be wary of this colleague?

35 replies

TheStoryofO · 16/06/2025 20:06

I started a new job a few months ago at the head office of a big retailer. I work in a department that covers two separate but related product lines - let’s say Home and Garden. I work on Garden.

There was nobody covering my role for Garden when I started, with the Home team having to cover the work, so they were very keen to hand things over. My training was mostly done by someone at my level in the Home team, the task having been delegated by his manager. He’s seen as a bit of a rising star, and I picked things up very quickly, so it’s potentially a bit of a feather in his cap.

The company has a very strong “shout about your success” culture (i.e. make sure management knows you’re working hard and doing well). My colleague really talked me up over the first couple of months - emails to the whole department praising how quickly I’d got to grips with things, highlighting how good my results were and so on. I get that this was good for him as it implied that he was a good trainer, but I genuinely believed he was being supportive too.

However, something has begun to change over the last month or so. He’s been saying things that, on paper, look helpful, but which in reality are critical and undermine me. For example, I’ve become more comfortable sharing my own results and have highlighted a couple of strongly performing campaigns to the wider team. His responses are positioned as positive, but there’s always a “but” or a sting in the tail. He’ll say something like “Brilliant, Story! Just make sure you have checked with the Electronics team that they’re happy for you to target their customers” or “Fantastic! Just bear in mind that you’ll need to step up recipient numbers in July, so keep your eye on the unsubscribe rate”. This is stuff I learned in my first couple of weeks! It all feels like he’s saying “Don’t get too proud of yourself”.

I looked at when things had started to change and it became pretty clear what the problem was. Results for Garden were fairly average when I took over, which everyone put down to a lack of dedicated resource. I improved them quickly and my colleague praised me. But then my results became as good as his, and eventually better. The first passive aggressive email came the first week my results surpassed his. It’s all clear now. When I was doing nearly as well as him, he looked like the star trainer. Now I’m doing better than him, I’m no longer useful to him; in fact, people might now be thinking I’m just good at the job, rather than being his success story.

I now feel on edge all the time; like he’s going to drop some new verbal hand grenade every time I have some success, and that I’ll have to justify every decision. And what if I do make a mistake and he picks up on it? It happens - but now it’s like he’s lying in wait for it.

I was visiting my parents at the weekend and was telling them about it. My mum said I was probably imagining it and worrying about nothing. My dad’s eyes narrowed and he said “Watch him like a hawk”. My mum is probably the kinder person, but my dad ran his own business for 25 years and I feel like he’s the one with good judgement in this sort of scenario!

What do you think? Should I be watching my back?

OP posts:
bombastix · 16/06/2025 20:09

Your dad is spot on. So are you. You aren’t imagining this, and I would check very carefully the requests you get from him.

Dangermoo · 16/06/2025 20:12

Well done you. You're proving successful and he doesn't like it. Watch your back for sabotage.

JustGiveMeWineNow · 16/06/2025 20:14

I am with your Dad. Say nothing but just watch him. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer😉
He sounds like a complete knob btw.

cyvguhb · 16/06/2025 20:16

Make sure you keep full records especially of spoken interactions, maybe email to confirm or document so that he can't conviently change history at a later date

Butchyrestingface · 16/06/2025 20:17

The examples you gave of his 'verbal hand grenades' actually sound pretty tame at present - although I appreciate death can happen by a thousand cuts. The danger is, of course, he may escalate.

I agree with your dad.

KTheGrey · 16/06/2025 20:34

Go for a promotion quickly before he sabotages your chances.

TheStoryofO · 16/06/2025 20:46

Well, I’m torn between being relieved that I’m not paranoid and kind of wishing I was!

It’s less important, but I feel like he’s excluding me socially too. There’s someone else at our level working alongside him and, although it wasn’t made explicit, I could tell they’d been out for lunch together the other day without a word to me. That would have never happened early on.

OP posts:
TheStoryofO · 16/06/2025 20:47

Butchyrestingface · 16/06/2025 20:17

The examples you gave of his 'verbal hand grenades' actually sound pretty tame at present - although I appreciate death can happen by a thousand cuts. The danger is, of course, he may escalate.

I agree with your dad.

This is the problem. He hasn’t done anything that I could actively take issue with - he could very easily claim he was “just trying to help”. But he’s trying to make people question whether I’m doing as well as the results suggest.

OP posts:
Forgotthebins · 16/06/2025 20:50

It won’t be just this one colleague. You clearly work in a highly competitive culture - if you get promoted you’ll have this rivalry with someone the next level up, and so on. It sounds like you enjoy the work though so best thing is probably just to toughen up and learn to play the game. It wouldn’t be for everyone but if it suits you, then you might be really successful there.

Dangermoo · 16/06/2025 20:54

Women's intuition OP, we value it for a reason x

doneandone · 16/06/2025 20:58

Hmm, definitely keep a close eye on him. Are these written comments? if so, Could you go back with a comment such as "always do" with a smiley face for example, keep it light but don't let it look like you haven't done what he's questioning you on. Agree that I'd try and seek out a promotion to get above him of you can (and if you want to) but I'd also start to make a note of these things to build a picture in case it turns in to low level bullying.

londongirl12 · 16/06/2025 21:09

TheStoryofO · 16/06/2025 20:46

Well, I’m torn between being relieved that I’m not paranoid and kind of wishing I was!

It’s less important, but I feel like he’s excluding me socially too. There’s someone else at our level working alongside him and, although it wasn’t made explicit, I could tell they’d been out for lunch together the other day without a word to me. That would have never happened early on.

I wouldn’t worry about going for lunch. Do you really want to hang around such him anyway??

everyone will be able to see his messages for what they are. Just eye roll internally and ignore.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 16/06/2025 21:14

Ahh, a mansplainer of the highest order! He’s probably threatened, agree just keep an eye out and don’t be afraid to counter with “I always do” or “already factored that in, thanks”

Either he thinks he’s being “helpful” or he’s theeatened, either way it’s annoying! But try not to let it eat away at you.

fruitbrewhaha · 16/06/2025 21:21

I think the rest of your colleagues would have to be blind not to see what he is doing. You’re right to watch out for him but for now I’d ignore him.

KickAssAngel · 16/06/2025 21:21

Make sure you come back with comments that confirm you've done things in an up beat way. Make it clear that these are basic things that you know like the back of your hand. Maybe, occasionally, saying how could I forget when you taught me so well to keep him sweet. But not too often. Keep all of those negative comments in a folder, backed up somewhere outside of work.

And keep a record of every single time you're aware of him freezing you out of any emails, lunches or meetings. Every. Single. One. Particularly if the other person is also male, you could then use that to say that they are keeping you shut out because you're a woman.

Because if pay, promotion etc are in any way performance linked, you may need evidence of this. You may want to raise this with your boss at some point anyway, just to say that he's creating a negative impression of you, and also to highlight how the switch coincides with your performance overtaking his. You don't want it to become"known" that you always need reminders about basics.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 16/06/2025 21:49

Your Dad is on point. He knows this sort.

Bonbon21 · 16/06/2025 22:03

Adopt a phrase to shut down his snide written comments ... eg.. ."have already crossed that T, Thanks!"... "have already dotted that I, Thanks!" And repeat... every time.. light tone, imagine you are patting him on the head, give acknowledgement, you can't be faulted..
Smile, be charming, do not reward bad behaviour with attention.
Watch your back.
Listen to your Dad.

BonneMaman77 · 16/06/2025 22:16

I’d do exactly that and watch him like a hawk. Other people can actually read between the lines and if they are normal will know exactly what he’s all about.

For those emails the less responsive you are on email the better, if you have to acknowledge every email then just say “thank you!”.

What you could do is to see if you can sway him by saying “thanks for the reminder for [insert basic thing xyz] when you see him in person when you’re alone passing by. This may help to keep the enemy closer.

When he instructs you to do something then either get him to email it to you or send an email saying this is was his suggestion did you understand it correctly.

Is he being sexist? Or does he want to be the only rising star. Like another poster said, this is so common at every level sadly.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 16/06/2025 22:21

People aren’t stupid. Let him carry on with his helpful little comments. You see them for what they are and others will too.

Bikergran · 16/06/2025 22:27

Respond to his responses, "Yes of course I've taken that into account, it was my first thought, but thank you for the input!"

Yeah, watch your back. Make sure you document any and all interactions with him, maybe double-checking stuff by email, and keeping all those in a special folder.

TheStoryofO · 16/06/2025 22:33

Is he being sexist? Or does he want to be the only rising star.

I think it’s the latter. He wouldn’t like competition from men either.

Interestingly, his manager is female and they are super tight. But the longer I’m here, the more I think that’s a mutually beneficial arrangement too. He’s better at his job than she is at hers - but she lets him shine just enough that she looks like a good manager for helping to develop him. Maybe this is where he’s learned it from!

OP posts:
Doorsways · 16/06/2025 22:39

Bonbon21 · 16/06/2025 22:03

Adopt a phrase to shut down his snide written comments ... eg.. ."have already crossed that T, Thanks!"... "have already dotted that I, Thanks!" And repeat... every time.. light tone, imagine you are patting him on the head, give acknowledgement, you can't be faulted..
Smile, be charming, do not reward bad behaviour with attention.
Watch your back.
Listen to your Dad.

This.
Your Dad is definitely right.

UnintentionalArcher · 16/06/2025 22:41

Like others, I think this is a careful balance of keeping a record, one or two light-touch attempts to shut it down and perhaps speaking to your boss about your concerns about a pattern of undermining behaviour if it continues. While I’d be wary of responses that seemed like I was ‘justifying myself’, something like the following might be good as a one-off reply-all:

‘Thanks for your email - yes it is great to see that subscribers keep rising month on month. Regarding (basic thing), thanks for the reminder, but no need to worry - I’m on top of the basics.’

If he doesn’t take the hint after that, then:

  1. See your or his line manager to raise it as an emerging concern - relatively light touch and depersonalised at first but something like ‘X may be trying to help, but perhaps doesn’t realise that as a pattern, it could be seen to be undermining’.
  2. Or, similar email to him, with his and/or your line manager copied in, but also with a focus on how you want to work productively and supportively with colleagues, e.g. ‘Hi X. In your recent emails (e.g. regarding subscribers on X date, sales on Y date), I’ve noticed you reminding me a few times not to forget some to follow up on some basics. While I’m sure this is intended to be helpful, I just wanted to reassure you that now I’ve been here for X months, and with such positive results, I have these things well in hand. If there are any concerns in future and it seems like I have missed something, I’m always open to a direct email or a conversation. That way, we can avoid less appropriate forums like multi-colleague emails. Thanks again for your support when I joined the business; I really do appreciate it, and I look forward to us working together on (upcoming project).’
healthybychristmas · 16/06/2025 23:25

I think you should just keep saying don't worry about me, I'm on top of it, or yes, obviously. You could say I knew you would come up with a but!

DNLove · 16/06/2025 23:36

Passive aggressively demoralise him. "Thanks for the input, your ongoing support is always appreciated, once a trainer, always a trainer" so it sounds like he's just a trainer. Or "great you still have the capacity to support your colleagues and help us shine"