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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I be wary of this colleague?

35 replies

TheStoryofO · 16/06/2025 20:06

I started a new job a few months ago at the head office of a big retailer. I work in a department that covers two separate but related product lines - let’s say Home and Garden. I work on Garden.

There was nobody covering my role for Garden when I started, with the Home team having to cover the work, so they were very keen to hand things over. My training was mostly done by someone at my level in the Home team, the task having been delegated by his manager. He’s seen as a bit of a rising star, and I picked things up very quickly, so it’s potentially a bit of a feather in his cap.

The company has a very strong “shout about your success” culture (i.e. make sure management knows you’re working hard and doing well). My colleague really talked me up over the first couple of months - emails to the whole department praising how quickly I’d got to grips with things, highlighting how good my results were and so on. I get that this was good for him as it implied that he was a good trainer, but I genuinely believed he was being supportive too.

However, something has begun to change over the last month or so. He’s been saying things that, on paper, look helpful, but which in reality are critical and undermine me. For example, I’ve become more comfortable sharing my own results and have highlighted a couple of strongly performing campaigns to the wider team. His responses are positioned as positive, but there’s always a “but” or a sting in the tail. He’ll say something like “Brilliant, Story! Just make sure you have checked with the Electronics team that they’re happy for you to target their customers” or “Fantastic! Just bear in mind that you’ll need to step up recipient numbers in July, so keep your eye on the unsubscribe rate”. This is stuff I learned in my first couple of weeks! It all feels like he’s saying “Don’t get too proud of yourself”.

I looked at when things had started to change and it became pretty clear what the problem was. Results for Garden were fairly average when I took over, which everyone put down to a lack of dedicated resource. I improved them quickly and my colleague praised me. But then my results became as good as his, and eventually better. The first passive aggressive email came the first week my results surpassed his. It’s all clear now. When I was doing nearly as well as him, he looked like the star trainer. Now I’m doing better than him, I’m no longer useful to him; in fact, people might now be thinking I’m just good at the job, rather than being his success story.

I now feel on edge all the time; like he’s going to drop some new verbal hand grenade every time I have some success, and that I’ll have to justify every decision. And what if I do make a mistake and he picks up on it? It happens - but now it’s like he’s lying in wait for it.

I was visiting my parents at the weekend and was telling them about it. My mum said I was probably imagining it and worrying about nothing. My dad’s eyes narrowed and he said “Watch him like a hawk”. My mum is probably the kinder person, but my dad ran his own business for 25 years and I feel like he’s the one with good judgement in this sort of scenario!

What do you think? Should I be watching my back?

OP posts:
Supersimkin7 · 16/06/2025 23:37

He’s probably got rid of people before using this technique, so keep it light and breezy. He’s a twister, and they can only do their worst with information you give them.

So:

  1. Never, never share any personal details with him. He’ll be keen to get them. You know why.
  2. Never answer questions or give any opinions about other colleagues within his earshot. You know why.
  3. He’ll get increasingly annoyed with you. Don’t be alone with him.

I had one whose evil plan I foiled <bwa ha ha> and he was so angry he tried to hit me in the office. No one saw it, his tearful denials were believed, I was called a witch etc..

Next week he attacked the business premises and caused several k of damage. Yay! He didn’t come back.

PoliteReader · 16/06/2025 23:45

Agree with your Dad completely but how frustrating for you, OP! Is there any way you could preempt his criticism and include it at the end of your reports so he doesn’t have the chance to pick fault? I had a boss like this and I’d block time out in my diary specifically to think of all the potential cracks she could point out and get well ahead of them; it was exhausting at the start, but now I think I’ve actually benefited from this approach.

Otherwise, could you politely ask him to stop? These types of people rely on your avoidance of confrontation to make their subtle digs, but it can make it difficult for them if you call it out and say ‘stop it’. If you’re at the same management level, you’re well within your rights to address that with him.

Itallcomesdowntothis · 16/06/2025 23:49

Yeah isn’t it funny I don’t really agree with the majority but completely respect other opinions. I think he’s annoying and definitely either clumsy or making a point but who cares? What I mean is, he isn’t your line manager. He doesn’t influence your work. You don’t share a manager. You are in different teams. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. Yeah keep an eye on him but just ignore him.

FiendsandFairies · 16/06/2025 23:56

Dangermoo · 16/06/2025 20:12

Well done you. You're proving successful and he doesn't like it. Watch your back for sabotage.

This. I just think it’s par for the course. Good luck.

HeyWiggle · 16/06/2025 23:57

healthybychristmas · 16/06/2025 23:25

I think you should just keep saying don't worry about me, I'm on top of it, or yes, obviously. You could say I knew you would come up with a but!

This.

keep things light and bright and polite

Shelby2010 · 17/06/2025 00:47

Is his manager poor at her job, or has he just done a number on her too?

TheStoryofO · 17/06/2025 07:38

Shelby2010 · 17/06/2025 00:47

Is his manager poor at her job, or has he just done a number on her too?

She isn’t great, to be honest. But him doing well looks good for her - she gets credit as a manager for developing him and encouraging him. Which I’m guessing is what he wanted from me, without having to actually be my manager.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 17/06/2025 07:48

It's a common theme in weak leaders.

Steelworks · 17/06/2025 07:52

Bikergran · 16/06/2025 22:27

Respond to his responses, "Yes of course I've taken that into account, it was my first thought, but thank you for the input!"

Yeah, watch your back. Make sure you document any and all interactions with him, maybe double-checking stuff by email, and keeping all those in a special folder.

I was going to say something similar. Call him out. You’re no longer the trainee but am on equal footing, so don’t be afraid to justify your actions.

The chances are that if he’s done this to you , then he’s done this to others so people are aware.

Masmavi · 17/06/2025 16:51

TheStoryofO · 16/06/2025 20:47

This is the problem. He hasn’t done anything that I could actively take issue with - he could very easily claim he was “just trying to help”. But he’s trying to make people question whether I’m doing as well as the results suggest.

I would counter every one of his ‘…but’ comments, in a light tone but factual and clear. I think as women we tend to let things go and be the bigger person but with this guy you need to cover yourself imo. I’ve worked with people like this and their insecurity and ambition makes them dangerous!

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