This is really silly, but how to ‘ sort out ‘ these squabbles between small kids ?

[blunlab]

My kids are 3 and 5. Often wanting the same toy..

for example, say I buy them both a toy from the toy shop- eventually one of them wants to play with the other person’s toy.

my husband tends to just make the person who’s toy it is, share the toy and take turns. Whereas I tend to let the person decide if they want to ‘ give up ‘ the toy for a bit or not. I don’t force them to share it if they don’t want to.

what is the right way to do this ? It seems silly doesn’t it.

I don't think sharing should be forced, but encouraged. It's not fair to make someone share something - they might have good reason for not wanting to ) eg little brother will chew it/snap its head off/break it.
We had a sharing rule for sweets and treats - no eating a treat in front of someone without offering them some - but not for toys.
We did deliberately have some jointly owned toys, though, which helped them learn sharing skills.

Yes I just want to highlight that if it’s shared toys / or toys at the playground etc, then of course I encourage them to share and take turns.

Sharing their own things with their siblings at that age should be encouraged, it carries through to other areas in life. You and your DH should get on the same page though or it will confuse the kids.

Get them to agree to the solution the computer gives, then ask chatGPT. It’s taking over everything else- it might as well give parenting a go.

I just threaten to throw it in the bin then neither of them can have it.

And they know I mean it.

Seriously though - it's normal behaviour and part of figuring out negotiating skills and how to compromise for themselves. Think of it as giving them the gift of resilience and superior social skills as you watch them try and claw each other's eyes out for a piece of tat.

When my two were a little bit older than yours I initiated a rule that either they always share or they never share- they had to decide and stick to it. So if they want to be able to take a turn with their siblings’ toy they have to reciprocate when they have a new toy. Yours might be a bit young to understand it but it’s worth a try…

Now they are teenagers I’ve currently reinstated this rule with clothes! 🙄

We had a friend over at the weekend and she was just not up for sharing her toy ( that I got her from the toy shop ) I had also got toys for my kids. But my kids were hell bent on this girls toy and she was really enjoying being the one on control of something they both wanted. I just kept saying ‘ it’s Stacey’s decision if she wants to share the toy. It’s hers’.. then occasionally she’d let them have a go and then quickly take it back. Normal child hood stuff ! My DH was saying that we should tell her to share it and he didn’t like the whole scenario. It’s hard to know what’s right !

My kids are older now but I've never forced them to share their personal toys. Toys kept in bedrooms belong to the individual and they choose if they want to share.
I'd encourage it by pointing out that if you let your brother play with your x, he will probably let you play with y. But I let them have control over their own belongings.
Shared family toys are kept downstairs.

Yeah that’s what I do often and sometimes they’re happy to swap haha

In that situation it seems silly to have bought the children a toy each if you actually wanted all the children to take turns with each toy?
Why not buy toys that are everyones/no ones.

I have twins so I’ve dealt with sharing forever!
It’s a very hard concept for kids to grasp. They want the thing, they want it right now. We do encourage sharing a lot, but tbh for an easy life when playing together or play dates we try and stick to toys they can play with together. Magnatiles, Lego, marble run, even just a stack of paper and pens for colouring. Just group toys/activities seem to work much better!!

Well you can’t tell someone else’s kid what to do with their own toy, that’s different. In your house with your kids it’s your rules. If my 5 year old was playing with his own toy car and his brother wanted it then it would be a no, because he’s playing with it. If the 3 year old wants to play with brothers car that’s in a draw then yeah there’s no reason why the brother can’t share.

My older one used to convince my younger one to share party bag sweets when only younger one had been to a party. I was very clear that the rule needed to be consistent, no "my sweets are for me, your sweets are for sharing." They chose to share and still do actually, into the teen years although birthday parties look different!
Toys, anything new you get to keep to yourself for a while. Bedtime toys (cuddlies) are never touched by the non owner. Shared things come with a parent specified policy (who gets to be the admin on a shared computer game!) Everything else is fair game to use.
They do grow out of it given lots of praise and encouragement for making prosocial choices.

My kids are the same age. I set an alarm for 5 mins on Alexa and they have to give the other person a turn when the alarm goes off

If you want children to understand the idea of personal property - ie that someone owns something then you cannot force them to share.

Otherwise how do you explain ownership of items in shops or adult's items. Would you be happy with them sharing your make up or personal items?

We live in a society where people own things - children need to know that things they hold precious they are allowed to keep safe, and cannot be forced to give them away for some unidentified length of time.

We had the rule that personal things stayed in their bedrooms, whilst things that they were willing to share were in communal areas. We also introduced early on knocking for permission to enter someone's room.

If it's a shared toy then timers can work well.

If they started proper squabbling over a toy I just gave them one warning then took it away from them both.

eventually that turns into ‘what happens when you fight over things?’ And they suddenly find a compromise..!

I would say they ask for it "Please can I play with your toy?"

Responses can be given with a no but there must be an explanation why so the asker can understand why no is a reasonable answer and it also forces the person saying no to give a valid reason instead of them saying no because they want to be peevish.

"No I am still playing with it right now". "No I am using it in my game."

The other person can then ask further "Can I play with that when you have finished with it please?"

I find it works better if the person who has a toy knows they can continue until they are ready to share. If forced to give it up when they are asked that causes issues. It also helps the other person know that no can be an answer and they have to accept it sometimes.

You have to model it though as it won't just happen if you tell them to do that.

@legoplaybookwhere do i say that I wanted them to take turns ? I got them a toy each for a reason ! It was my DH who told me he thought we should ask the girl to share. We didn’t. I kept strong with my two and kept pointing them to their own toys and explains that this was her toy.

Kids should not be made to "share" their personal property. Stuff like a climbing frame yes obviously, but something they were given as a gift and wanted to play with themselves? Nope.

For anyone saying kids should be made to share - do you share your phone with anyone on the bus who asks for it? Thought not.

You sound very reasonable! Your DH is being a bit of a ninny.

OK but it sounds like you and your DH need to decide whether you are going to teach your children that some toys are personal property, or that all toys are communal.
Your kids were presumably nagging the little girl about her toy as it's a bit of a confused concept in your house - do they have personal belongings or is everything shared?
It's causing more fights between them as they're getting mixed messages from their parents.

In our house we’ve always had the toys that are “community property” that everyone takes turns with and shares, and those toys live in a communal area. There’s no ifs or buts about those toys: they belong to everyone.
Their own special toys they’ve been gifted for birthdays/Christmas or bought with their own money? That’s their’s and it’s up to them if they want to share it or not.
The whole concept of children being made to share everything is wild to me 😵‍💫 Do I have to share my donut with everyone in the office because they quite like the look of my donut? No. It’s my donut 🤨🤨

We are teaching them in general that some toys are theirs and others are shared. But there are a lot of communal toys. So many more toys that need to be shared vs that are just theirs. For example tonight, my DD put 5 mermaid Barbie’s in the bath. My DS wanted to play with one of them too and she didn’t want him to. I encouraged her to share one of them, even though it was hers. The line does blur sometimes. She was fine with it though on this occasion.

I try to explicitly teach them the language they need to sort out these situations. "Please can I have a turn with that when you've finished with it?" (the "when you've finished" but being crucial), the various responses and how to respond to those responses. A lot of role play and a lot of praise when they manage to do it independently. If someone really doesn't want to share something, that's ok but they have to understand that the other might not share with them next time. It takes time and effort but I think it's worth it.

Second this.

They're 8 and 10 now and pretty good at reaching their own solutions rather than risk my intervention. (It's not always handing it over, it's often a trade or a later commitment).