Constantly being compared to the ‘perfect’ SIL

[LaurSings]

Honestly it is endless. I’m a first time Mum to a DC who is approaching one and I’m finding it rewarding but challenging, as is to be expected.

However, more or less ever since the birth my MIL has kept using my SIL as a reference point and more recently, DH has started doing this too as I near a return to work which I’m feeling anxious about.

Examples:

-SIL was in the gym a month post partum
-She was at baby classes at least twice a week
-She was able to go on a family holiday abroad after 5 months
-DH knows ‘drunkenly from her husband’ that their sex life was back to normal after 3 months!
-SIL was looking for new jobs during her time off and managed to secure a promotion prior to returning

It is honestly exhausting!!

Do you want to go to the gym? Did SIL go before?
Do you want to go to baby classes?
Was the holiday already booked - hence having to go?

Maybe she has just found having a baby easier?

I was 36 when I had my second, was back in my jeans a month later and out on a night out in Manchester ( I drove ) baby classes started as soon as I could after all what else was I supposed to do all day? We went away when he was 9 months old

Maybe she just has an easier baby I don't know

Tell your husband to pack in comparing you to his perfect sister/SIL all the time,. If your MIL says anything just say 'yes I know, SIL is just amazing isn't she?!' If you repeat the same phrasing every single time hopefully she'll get bored.

Her husband is a dickhead for telling your dh that

Good for her
I don't give a shit

Repeat ad nauseum

Just ask “what point are you trying to make?”

''I'm not SIL''.

Repeat.

I'd also have a word with DH.

The only person that can control how you feel about a situation is you.

My eyes would glaze over and I would ignore. My MIL tried this mind fuckery with me but soon realised she would not get a rise out of me so gave up.

Yes you need a word with your DH

What about SIL’s husband? Can you give a tinkly little laugh and say ‘oh yes, and X did all the nursery runs so she could concentrate on work. Of course DH won’t do that…’

’Oh I know, X bought her 10 sessions with a personal trainer to start her off. I can only dream …’

that sort of thing

or is he a knob?

'MIL, it's nice that you adore your daughter so much, but I could never live up to her standards'.

And how is that relevant? Would be the answer I'd use now with the benefit of hindsight.
I'll match you with "Give him to SiL, she'll sort him out within a day"
It makes you feel horrible. Interesting how they're all examples to pressurise you to do things they want to happen regardless of whether it's best for you or baby.

‘Do I care?’ on repeat and severe words with your Dh who clearly thinks his sister is some kind of Demi-god. Oh, and tell them all to fuck right off, too. Idiots. You’re not her, why would you want to emulate her?

Just do a vague 'Uh huh that's nice, good for SIL' and then change the subject.

Was MIL like this before or just since you've both had children?

How are these conversations coming about? My SiL is constantly complaining how difficult or impossible it is for mums to do things like this, all things that I have managed to. I find her constant complaining and excuses exhausting.

What's the context? Is it just statements of fact or is it - she went to the gym, why can't you?

You do need a thick skin when you become a mum and especially if there are kids in the family close in age.

This is just the beginning. Your children's behaviour, school accomplishments, how athletic they are, how attractive they are etc will all be compared.

Me and my cousins have children similar in age and get constantly compared by our family, especially our grandma. Not much I can do about it.

Oh, am I in a competition with SIL?

It’s very very simple to respond to all of these points with ‘I couldn’t give a fuck’. It’s probably my most used sentence and it’s true, I couldn’t give a fuck about anyone else and neither should you.

It’s not a competition….. and I’m not that impressed 😂

Is SIL your DH’s sister? I’d tell DH that you find it incredibly creepy that he is listening to stories about his sister’s sex life, and comparing you as a sexual partner to her. Seriously, WTAF. I’d pull him up hard on that one.

Your husband is emotionally blackmail you to have sex by saying his own sister had sex three months after giving birth… 🤢🤢🤢 fucking grim. If he wants sex so much tell him to shag his sister.

Although finding it rewarding but challenging, as is to be expected

It’s not expected. Not everyone does, but accept that and who gives a fuck.

I’m far from a high achiever when it comes to babies, but not of that is particularly amazing. Many people go to mummy fitness things a few months in (not me!), 2 classes a week - not unusual with firstborn, holiday - pretty usual to go within mat leave and it’s easier when they aren’t mobile, job - maybe she needed to?

I would be commenting on the marvellousness of SIL’s husband and mother in law.

Except for the sex thing - I would be pointing out that him knowing stuff about his sister’s sex life is really rather gross.

Christ, if the rest of the pressurising wasn’t bad enough - this aspect is just so inappropriate and stomach turning. I have no words other than this would give me the serious ick. Also the fact he wants to prioritise his urges over your psychological and physical well being is just a red flag going forward for me. I’m so sorry this is the treatment you’re receiving OP ♥️

You need to think about a disinterested reply that moves on to your own equally valid choices.

1. Good for her. Different families have different priorities, don't they? Presumably her DH helped her find time for herself.
2. That's nice. I prefer to go to the park/play with baby at home/ whatever.
3. That's nice for her.
4. Grim. What a gross conversation to have about your sister. Maybe her DH is better in bed and so she had more incentive to get back to it.
5. Good for her. I'm lucky to like my current job.

Agree. What stops you doing this? Perhaps your husband could be helping more than he is? Getting out and about is excellent for your mental health if nothing else.