AIBU to ask do you talk about sex?

[notsochattysue]

So we have been married for a million years. We are early 50’s. We had babies later so our kids are 13 & 14.

with one thing or another our sex life really tapered off in our 40’s. We had a period of 4 years where we didn’t have sex at all.

In the last 9 months my libido has come crashing back and our sex life is picking up.

I feel it has the potential to be even better. The problem is we have never been great at talking about sex. When I say we I mean my husband.

im happy talk and I’d love him to tell me what he wants in bed. I want us to have cheeky chats (we used to have at the start of our relationship)

how do you all talk to your other half about sex? Do you?
x

I’ve had this and after 19 years have finally got my DH to talk more openly about sex.

All I did was start talking about it more, and he eventually seemed to stop being embarrassed and actually talked back. I think what helped was the odd revealing photo - with his permission to receive them; didn’t want to frighten him off!

I was getting fed up of our lack of sex and I just blurted out to him one day about using a vibrator while he was at work because I was so frustrated and it seemed to really turn him on. Since then we’ve been able to talk more and more. It just took one of us to have the courage to start it off.

It’s definitely made our sex life better.

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it. I agree this could be all it takes. He works away during the week so I was thinking I’d send a wee text. I have a clue what to write which won’t make him frightened or think I’m taking the piss.

Flirty banter to start with. Either text or verbally. Then move it up a notch when the time/atmosphere is right.

Of course. I find it unusual to be married and have kids and not talk about a normal thing like sex.

@Witchypooforyou I think it’s more common than you think. How do you tak about it? Have u always been very open?

Talking about sex and “talking dirty” are two different things. So your title doesn’t really make sense. It doesn’t matter what other people are doing though does it. Just focus on each other.

DH and I both have Asperger’s and we both find it difficult to talk about, but especially him. He feels deeply self conscious around sex, I am a little less so, and any talk gets him extremely agitated/feeling attacked. I’m not sure how to get around it honestly.

We haven’t had sex since our none year old was conceived. About to get divorced! Maybe learn from that everyone!

Never talk about sex.
Never have it.

Maybe try via message first? I feel like a lot of men find it easier to communicate about things they’re shy about through text for some reason.

We're in our early 40s and have been together 20 years. We had an insane sex life in our 20s, then just ticked over with it for our 30s (very vanilla, once a fortnight).

Since I turned 40, my sex drive is through the roof. I not only want sex ALL THE TIME, but I've also become very open minded and want to try new things.

I started off quite shyly, saying things like "Erm, have you noticed anything...different about me recently. Have you noticed I'm REALLY enjoying sex" and progressed from there to the point where we now sit in the pub talking about what we want to do to eachother, and I casually walked in on DH on Sunday afternoon browsing sex toys to buy me.

We also send sexy messages and I send him nude pictures.

My husband also works away and my first sexy message was just a picture of me in my underwear with "Miss you 😉" to test the water and see how it went down. I didn't want to launch into something really explicit off the bat. "Really looking forward to tomorrow night 😈" is another low key one.
I progressed from there.

We talk quite openly about sex.

if DH is struggling, maybe pick a time and place. Ie in the evening, over a glass of wine when both kids are out/asleep. It might make him happier to open up!

I remember a few years ago putting some sexy underwear in the lunchbox with my husbands sandwiches and a note saying ‘see you later. He came home at lunchtime 😁

Honestly, send him a cheeky picture - a bit of cleavage or something like that (not spread legs or anything - sorry to be rude) whilst he’s working away and he will react positively. It will make his day.

Yes, we talk about how we’re both knackered and can’t be arsed, but we hope in future life will be easier for various reason and we’ll pick up then.

We’ve got an enormous combination of sex ruining health/ssri/housing/work life shit going on and neither of us have the capacity for it right now. But we cuddle and talk about how much we love each other and we hope when life gets easier we’ll have the space for a sex life. The issues are on both sides so we’re open and talkative about it, it’s not a hidden issue. Talking is the most important thing.

We went to see a sex therapist. It sounds cringey but it was basically counselling in relation to sexual issues from a previous trauma.

I can honestly say it saved my marriage.

This. When I was married we talked about it a lot! Just like discussions around getting married and having kids, what we wanted from life, for dinner that day, etc! It’s a normal part of life.

Give him time - 4 years of a barren wasteland will take a bit of turning round!

A sex scene on a film is usually good. You can make conversation about their technique and how much they are enjoying it. Hopefully should get a stork on for your fella with just the discussion and visual.

Talk about sex all the time. In the pub, on the sofa, whilst cooking together….it’s a normal a health part of our marriage. Always careful to be out of the earshot of kids.
im quite vocal during the act and he will often have to stop and remind me to be quiet. It’s strange that you can’t discuss such an important aspect of a healthy relationship, but can manage to take your clothes off and do the deed?

Kind of in the same situation. Mid forties no sex drive for the past 5ish years. It's come back and now I am a bit more adventurous but husband very much still shut down. Started to introduce some more sexy undies and so on. He likes it all also not yet opening up. Ii feel like I am trying to undo years of me pushing him away as I just want in the mood.

Ditto. And it's all because of me. I now live with my friend not my partner. I just can't.

Definitely try texting. It’s much easier to be open.

Married 26 years. We’ve always talked about it, it’s a big part of our relationship. Longest dry spell we had was over 10 years ago for six weeks after I had a hysterectomy.