Husband and Parents

[Jemima85]

We have been temporarily living with my parents since Easter due to our house having building work. It should be completed for us to move back in by mid July at the latest.

My parent live in the next town over and we have a DD (7) who attends school where we live - it's about a 15/20 minute drive to get her there.

Everything was going well until approx. 1 month ago when I ruptured my achilles playing netball. I am currently in a boot and I will not be in a position to drive until late August / early September.

My husband's job is approx a 2 hour commute each way. He usually leaves around 5.30 each morning, returning home at 7pm. It's a long day for him. There is currently a lot going on and it is very much make or break due to financial problems the company are having. DH needs to be there as he is currently having to sort out many issues.

As a result, I am having to rely on my parents to do the school drop and pick up each day. They don't particularly enjoy driving and I wouldn't ask them, but I really do not have anybody else to ask. School mum friends are in the next town over and they're rushing to and from work to pick up their DC.

My sister did do a couple of school runs, but has said that she can no longer offer any support as her DH is back to work following time off for an op.

DH is WFH when he possibly can to support with school runs and to take me to and from the hospital for physiotherapy, but this is becoming problematic as in the eyes of my parents and sister he is not doing enough.

Every opportunity my mum and sister are making negative comments about DH saying that he always has lots going on at work and why should we be relying on them all of the time to support. We are not. He is helping, but as I say the company is on the verge of financial collapse and he can't just drop everything to run me to the hospital. They don't seem to understand what he has going on.

Trips to the hospital are usually begrudgingly offered with a lot of sighing and swearing making me feel like a burden.

DD has picked up on the tension and just cries saying she wants to go home. My parents show little interest in her and my mum has called her an "odd strange girl" and has been very sharp with her. This is in contrast to my sister's two DD who she talks non stop about.

I feel trapped and I feel like I am in the middle. The timing of this injury could not have come at a worse time. I am really grateful to my parents and say thank you etc and I give them petrol money, we buy them things for helping, but my mum is now saying she is finding it too much pressure and asking why my MIL is not helping - MIL lives 6/7 hours away and flies down to see us and if she came would not have access to a car and we usually put her up.

It's a complete mess, but my sister was here again this morning making me feel bad and bad mouthing DH.

I am not sure how to navigate this. I also just want to be back home.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I can see your parents point. You said that you have had to rely on your parents to help out, was there any real discussion about this or was the problem effectively dumped on them? I think its great when family step up to help out, but that doesn't mean that they can't/won't find it stressful or a burden. It's okay for them to be fed up with the arrangement. You said your husband helps out, but it should be the other way around, that you and him shoulder the majority of the strain and your parents 'help out'. Taxis will be expensive but that's the only real solution.

Taxis or you get an Airbnb for a month close to school. That said, my retired DPs or PIL would help willingly. Your family don’t seem very kind or understanding and I would remember this.

Taxi. Alll the way....

I would get taxis for school runs and also to the hospital. I wpuld make it a point to never ask them for another lift.

You are saving a huge amount living with them and I'd consider it "the cost of doing business"...

Hope your leg heals and you get back in your house soon

@Jemima85What about an air b and b?

I say this as someone in a worse situation - worse injury, longer time not driving and a child who goes to school in an entirely different city to where we live.

I am sorry but your child and their schooling is entirely the responsibility of you and your husband, as her parents. I say this with so much empathy because I have parents as much use as chocolate teapots and I struggle
so much with how little they seem to care. But mine wouldn’t have us living there either - they’re already being imposed on hugely for your convenience.

As someone else has said, I think they’re at capacity with you all living there. This is your problem to solve - the issue isn’t your parents it’s you and your husband.

You have to weigh up risk to his job against cost of an air b&b for the next month. Something has to give.

My mum drops off at the bus stop (this isn’t a local bus stop) and picks up again - my child is older - on the rare occasions that my husband has to travel. We limited this to once per week maximum and in reality it’s been far less. That is her absolute capacity in terms of willingness to help. While that hurts a lot (I’d do anything for anyone), I just smile and say how grateful I am when she does it. Because I am. Because as much as I wish she was more caring, hands on and willing, my daughter getting to school isn’t her responsibility at all.

When I had my accident, the first thing my husband did was changed everything at work to reflect his new temporary status as effectively a single parent. Everyone was made aware and just had to deal with it (the same protections that are in place to protect working mums). Because our child has 2 parents and one was (still is) completely out of action.

Your husband may not be able to do that logistically (if he works 9 to 5 2 hours away for example), but then you as a couple have to do something else. Short term accommodation (even if it’s a premier inn) local to school. Speak to friends, post in the parents’ group etc for local logistic help once you’re in the area. Or accept you’ll have to pay for taxis both ways twice a day for the next month - that’s always been my backup.

As awful as it is, it’s your problem to solve.

Get an airbnb near school or agree a multi day booking with a local taxi firm for the last four weeks of school.

Realistically, if you didn't have your parents around, your DH would have to step up, so I can see why they are not happy with his behaviour. They could still be nicer and realise you're doing your best and are in a very difficult position. Taxis everywhere is your only choice.

Kindly, your parents don’t sound very nice.

I agree with this

It's hard for you but it must be hard for your parents too and they must be exhausted. They have hosted your family for a couple of months already and now they have to ferry your children to and fro school every day in another town when they don't like driving. Don't understand how hard that is and also how much it will restrict what they can do in the day.
I understand that your husband is busy but it really is his responsibility and not your parents to get your child to school. So I understand your parents and sisters frustration. Perhaps your sister has seen how tired and stressed your parents are about the driving.
If your husband really can't do any more school or hospital runs then you need to get a taxi.

Sorry I missed this quote out of my post above

Personally I would either get your daughter there and back in a taxi

or find a air BnB to rent for 4 weeks in your home town. That should be reasonably doable even if expensive.

There’s only really two options suck it up for four weeks and suffer them griping at you. Or get some temporary accommodation. You can sometimes get good deals on Airbnbs if you rent them long term. Personally I would do the latter as I’d be pretty pissed off with my parents failure to support me during a difficult time (which let’s face it is only a bit of driving, it’s not that hard). Not to mention the horrible comments about your daughter. I’d also dial back the contact for a while to let things settle (this will be harder if you stay another four weeks).

This is an awful situation that you could not have predicted. The fact is though that no matter how busy he is with work, getting your daughter to and from school isn’t their responsibility. With you injured, that task belongs to your husband.

If he really can’t step up, then previous posters who suggested things like an Airbnb or taxis are the approach I would take.

@Jemima85 contact the hospital and local voluntary services. They may have a volunteer car service for outpatients that can help get you there.

talk to the school and explain how you are struggling and ask if they have any services that could help, or a taxi service that could take you both to school if she can’t go on her own? Sometimes taxi firms will do a short term contract.

id move back in the minute you have functioning power and running water. You can go swimming for baths or gyms or sponge baths if no shower etc.

we will have no kitchen at all for 6 weeks or longer - we are making a make shift kitchen in the front room. Kettle, microwave, air fryer and toaster (and we have a plug in ring thing for pans) - it’s a pain but it’s manageable. It’s messy but better the dust than living with them.

after this - I’d go low contact. It sounds like sister is the golden child as are her children.

Put space and low contact in the way to protect yourself after this. I’m sorry your parents and family aren’t there for you.

This will get better. Have you a drive? I’d honestly borrow a mates caravan and stick it in my drive rather than stay with your folks.

and yes - I have done that in the past! It’s like a mini adventure looking back. Didn’t view it that way the 3 months it was happening!

good luck.

Do you think it's fair to go low contact with parents who have hosted the family for three months? Whatever the situation is now they have done OP a massive favour and even though they don't like driving they have been taking the child to and fro school
Yes it's a difficult situation for OP but it sounds as though it also is difficult for her parents who are probably exhausted

House is just a shell and yet it will be finished in 4 weeks??

If it’s only four weeks, can husband take some parental leave or get every day WFH until then?

I do think it’s on him before it’s on your parents to be the “default” person doing it - maybe with a little help from them, but it’s them helping him out, not the other way around. It’s not their job to do!

Edit - it sounded a lot longer term from your OP!

I can't imagine a parent taking this attitude with their own child, and grandchild. I'm sure it is difficult for them and inconvenient, but it's only temporary and it couldn't have been foreseen. Hopefully when you're back in your own home your relationship with them will improve, but I would struggle to forget being treated like that by my own mother and father.

I have experience of a similar scenario as my adult daughter, who had just had a baby, tore her meniscus cartilage. She and the baby came to live with us for over 3 months while she had surgery, physio and rehab. Her husband had to stay in their home 3 hours away so he could go to work. He came up at weekends. Did I enjoy it? No. Was it stressful, exhausting and expensive? Yes. Oh and it was during covid too. But not once did I voice any of my frustrations. My daughter was struggling as a new mum, and felt she wasn't being a "proper" mum as she couldn't do much. I just wanted to support and reassure her. We both cried buckets when she finally went home. The following year her other knee went and we went through the same process a second time. It was just a case of grin and bear it!

Definitely the answer is taxis I think. Get a mum friend to meet DD at taxi door and take them into school.

Agree with the taxi suggestion.

It does sound like it has become quite a burden having you stay, and I assume when your parents agreed to it no one would have anticipated you injuring yourself and therefore being unable to drive and to out and to take DD to school.

Were your parents happy for you to stay with them in the first place? If you have been with them since Easter that is quite a long time and maybe they hadn't really considered how much they like their own space.

This is far too much pressure for your parents to do this. You are talking between May to July? I suspect the OP doesn’t want to spend money, the most obvious solution would be Airbnb or taxis.

You can’t change your DPs attitude and frankly I have a bit of sympathy with them as it feels no good turn goes unpunished- they help you out by letting you stay for a long period and now suddenly they have been turned into de facto taxi drivers. Frankly no one is covering themselves in glory here - your DPs for being mean about their DGD, your DH who no matter how busy should be picking up some of the slack, and you for seemingly just wringing your hands about how dreadfully difficult it is and not thinking about any possible solutions. Oh and both you and your DH for moving in with your DPs for such a long period to begin with.

Contact the hospital about getting to your appointments, as others have said volunteer drivers may exist.

Personally I would be moving out asap if that meant static caravan on your drive, or Airbnb rental for the 4 weeks. Your DD is unhappy and your DPs puddle of support has well run dry. Failing that pay for taxis for your DD for at least one of the trips each way.

Taxi or air b and b.
I'd be looking to stay on hotel/travellodge anyway at the weekends to give everyone a break.

Is homeschooling an option just to get you to the end of term? Speak with school and see if they have any other thoughts that might work.

I'm regards to hospital appointments speak with whoever does ambulance transfers as you might be applicable (I don't know what the criteria is). Or see if your town offers a voluntary driver scheme and someone can take you and pick you up.

just pull her out of school for a month and home educate her and ask school to send you the work she needs to do 🤷‍♀️ I had to do this when I wasn’t well enough to drive after major surgery, a husband who doesn’t drive and no relatives to help and my child had 3 months off school. We enjoyed the change of pace and frankly there’s only a few weeks summer holidays so it’s not for long