To be pissed off

[Sadmummy3]

Am I being unreasonable to be so so pissed off with MIL? I don't think I am but not sure how to handle situation.
DS is 5 tomorrow. He has severe additional needs and hates things out of routine including birthday parties and presents.
DH and I have brought him a climbing frame with slide which we will put up in the garden tonight so he can use it tomorrow. I have also got him some clothes which I have just put in a gift bag as he'll have no interest in unwrapping anything. MIL has just told me the presents she has got him (6 in total which is OTT anyway) and wrapped them all up and wants to come round to watch him open them.
I said to her a couple of weeks ago to get him some trainers if she wanted but not bother to wrap them but obviously she ignored me and didn't even get the one thing I asked for
I told her again he will not unwrap the presents, he doesn't understand. MIL said oh I expect he's outgrown that silly phase by now!!!😡 She then asked when we were having a party I said we weren't but she was welcome to pop in for tea and cake. She launches in to how mean this is, how selfish and tight fisted I am why don't I want to celebrate. She went on and on. In the end I told her to call DH and discuss with him.
Now DH has suggested a small family party to keep everyone happy. The only person who it is keeping happy is his mum. I said no because DS won't enjoy it.
Am I being unreasonable to keep his birthday super low key and to be pissed off that MIL is trying to pressure me to do something I know DS won't enjoy? I am also pissed off with DH although tbf he did ring his mum back and say we'd decided no party but why couldn't he just say that in the first place as we'd already discussed it.

She sounds very hard work

She sounds childish. I think your dh needs to a grow up and tell her that you two know your son best and you will make the decisions that are in his best interest and not hers.

She is very hard work. She struggles to accept DS is ND and thinks we just need to be firmer and "stop spoiling" him.
DH struggles to stand up to his mum and usually it's me who ends up being blamed for things she doesn't like/agree with.
I'd really love to go low contact with her but I know that'll just cause more issues.

How would he react to a party?

Your DH needs to be managing this.

When she says “you’re being mean” respond with “No MIL, YOU are being mean, trying to force your poor grandson to do things that make him uncomfortable. It shows how little you know and care about him. Stop being a selfish old bag and remember that DS’s birthday isn’t about you.”

Then again I dgaf about offending people who are happy to offend me - feel free to tone down as you see fit!

You will need to spell it out to him, unfortunately. Tell him to tell her very firmly what is and what is not happening and why. Tell him to make it clear that it is wholly unacceptable for her to deny what DS needs and rubbish your way of caring for him. Tell DH he needs to do this firmly - as the alternative is that you will phone her and you will explode. If he wants to avoid that, he needs to grow up and put his DS first.

He'd hate it. We had a family party for DD in April. He had two meltdowns because he couldn't cope with extra people/noise and his routine being changed. In between he was clinging to me. In the end I took him to the park until everyone had gone home.
I don't see the point of putting him through that for no reason.

Keep passing her back to dh.

My dd is the same. 15 now and she doesn't like a fuss. Her birthday is usually her gifts in a bag in her room to look through when she fancies and we get a takeaway and watch a film of her choice. We get a cake and leave it in the kitchen so she can get a slice when she wants.

My mother (I'm nc with her) refuses to accept the there is any neurodivergance in the family, she takes it as a personal insult (she also took dds epilepsy as a personal insult too). There's a lot of that kind of attitude about.

It's your job to advocate for your boy, and it's your MILs job to manage her disappointment without involving you. You're doing your bit, she just needs to do hers now.

Try him with the presents, he may want to open some if not all. His world will be very small if you always assume he won't cope.

It sounds like you’re a really loving mother and you really understand your DS. No, you’re not being unreasonable. Yes, your DH needs to woman up and be firm with his DM. She probably does think she’s being helpful.

oh good lord - what an ignorant comment

Try giving a child with severe additional needs something that his mum knows he can't cope with?

What planet are you on?

Unwrap the presents and put them inside a gift bag, maybe put a layer of the paper on top.
As others have said, either keep reminding MIL that it won’t work for DS and it’s all for his best interest etc, or tell your husband to remind MIL.

Yes definitely, @TheNightSurgeon, I’ve got difficulty undergoing assessments as parents think it’s all a load of tosh and it’s a slight on their parenting skills.

Tell your mother-in-law that unless she is giving your child the presents of understanding his world and wanting to make him happy on his birthday, she doesn't need to give him anything.

Do you have ND children?

She already knows her son won’t cope! I am sick to death of people expecting us to cause unnecessary distress to our children just to fit it with societal norms.

ND parents have to deal with this day in, day out from well meaning people who think we’re mollycoddling our children and if we just “try”, they’ll be fine. We know our children inside out, we know their limits and we know exactly how much they can tolerate. We also know, and have to deal with, the impact of going past those limitations.

Personally I think it’s time you took mil in hand if her son wont. I would sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms he has a disability and she needs to accept that. It’s not something he will grow out of it’s not down to parenting it’s a disability. She is not being asked to do anything that others are not asked to do ie don’t wrap presents

Then go on to say she needs to understand that when you ask her to do something in relation to your son you are not being difficult you are doing it because you know your son and how he copes. Hence no party. It is unfair if her to do something such as wrapping presents when you have specifically asked her not to as it won’t work with him. Likewise she needs to get what you say or don’t bother it is now up to her to decide if she wants to work within the boundaries set by you or not bother with any of your children and stop coming

Says someone who doesn’t have ND children

Vaxtable's advice is spot on. But also insist to your husband that he backs you on this

@Sadmummy3 I’ve got a MIL like that. I feel your pain. It’s hard when DH try to appease then all the time. It sounds like you know exactly what to do to give your DS the birthday he will enjoy. Stick to your guns (if you can, I know from experience it’s easier said than done)

Unfortunately you are going to be coming up against this throughout his life as there are many people like your mil who refuses to lean about special needs.

I can relate first hand, the worst was a family member who insisted my full time wheelchair using DD walk around a museum because she was just being lazy and I wasn't giving her the opportunity to try it !

There's been more incidents with many other people but what you should do is come up with a sentence that explains your child's needs and that they won't be doing it, you firmly let them know that this won't be happening,

You are his mother you know him best

It really is unfortunate that there are people like this, we end up keeping to ourselves because it's easier than explaining to someone. Just when we think our circle is well in the know suddenly someone pops up with a ridiculous suggestion, I only had it again and it was dds teacher who works in a disabled school organise this year's school trip somewhere totally unsuitable and here I was yet again explaining, I try to remain calm but those old angry feelings cropped up again and I just want to shake her.

Come up with a plan to say to everyone each time they suggest something or somewhere, be firm but polite and never back down to something you are uncomfortable with. You are your ds voice, he depends on you keeping him safe and he trusts you, don't break that trust, he knows you won't make him do something he can't.

@Sadmummy3 would he be ok with his granny coming to see him?
If yes then that is his "party".
Him, you, his dad and granny.
The gifts - put them down where he can see them. He might be interested, he might not. If they start to upset him remove them from his sight.
Unwrap them later if he doesn't want too.
If granny doesn't like that then tough luck to her and point out she doesn't have to come next time.
Edit : sorry your HUSBAND should point out she doesn't have to come if she doesn't like it.

So many of us have to deal with family / friends that don’t understand that ‘traditions’ that they take for granted are just torture to children with ASd

we are not being killjoys when we say ‘no singing happy birthday’ or ‘no party’ - when we know our kids are just going to have an utter meltdown.

it is the child’s birthday and it should be about going something nice for them. For many kids that means not changing it much from any other day and not having to confirm indicators rituals around things.

hold tight yo your boundaries - you know your child snd what they can cope with. Keep on simply and factually explaining where you can get your DH to do the same.

our kids are different - they do not confirm to societies expectations and shouldn’t be forced to .

feel your pain. It is so hard when others just don’t get your life, your kid and your reality - because it is so different to their own and their expectations .

(edited as pressed send in error)

He'd hate it. We had a family party for DD in April. He had two meltdowns because he couldn't cope with extra people/noise and his routine being changed. In between he was clinging to me. In the end I took him to the park until everyone had gone home.
I don't see the point of putting him through that for no reason.

Then what the fuck is your DH doing, trying to appease his mother at the expense of his son's wellbeing? Prick.

I'd make your DH Send her a message letting her know that she either brings the gifts unwrapped or she doesn't bother at all. Don't allow her to upset him on his birthday just because she's an ignorant cow.