AIBU to think this is too much cricket time?? Or am I too demanding?

[justatadannoyed]

My DH is a lovely man but the amount of time he spends playing cricket is driving me insane. It's at least one if not two evenings training a week, then the full Sunday playing each week, sometimes all across the county, so he is out at 12 and back at like 10pm. We have a young DC and I'd prefer it to be family time. But what really angers me is that there are so many things that need doing in the house- garden waste to be ferried away, things need fixing etc.- but unless I do them he won't because it's simply not his priority/ I think he finds it a bit tedious or trivial. Same if anything needs fixing, it's always me phoning the workmen etc. I got upset last night as he came back from cricket at like 9pm and had already agreed to play again next weekend, when it's supposed to be sunny and wonderful and I thought we could have a family day out... he is so quick with organising the cricket stuff but I organise everything else- AIBU to be upset about this or am I being the one asking too much? Please do let me know as I genuinely don't know if it's me being unreasonabl!

if he is starting at 14:00, then that leaves the whole morning to get the stuff to the tip/do other things.
Sunday morning, load car up with stuff for tip, get family up, have a lovely breakfast/brunch, drop family off where ever, drop rubbish off, go to cricket?
Not that complicated?

I think this might be a good idea!

To everyone who said "I knew what I was getting in to", he played when he was a child and a teenager, then stopped for over like 15 years. He only took it up again last summer. I don't mind popping down to the ground at home games but I don't like cricket (sorry to say) and yes it's nice to see people, but I don't want to hang around for hours and I also don't like the boozy nature of it, constant beer drinking by the onlookers etc.

I never understand this attitude as some things simply change when we become parents. You don’t have to give your life up but surely the investment (time and money wise) you make in some hobbies before having children may need to change once the kids arrive? Then as they get older / demands change, you look at things again and keep ensuring everything works for the family as a whole.

If someone plays football / rugby / does cycling a certain amount of times a week do they get to just keep doing it at the same volume forever because that’s what they’ve always done? Even at the expense of family time / couple time / contributing to the home running smoothly? I don’t know any couples where that’s happened, everyone has been flexible and increased / decreased hobby time at various stages to fit in with family life.

But it isn’t fine with you is it? And with good reason. You’re trying to be the cool wife who ‘let’s’ her spouse get out of his fair share of parenting. Why do you have to ask if this is ok? It absolutely OBVIOUSLY is not. There isn’t enough hours in the week for you to have the same amount of me time so how can it possibly be fair.

it’s a fairly simple equation - you take the hours left after chores work and family time and divide it by two for half each. If two nights a week and all day Sunday is more than half, then he is completely selfish.

and the argument that the op knew this before and should have had the chat about dropping cricket before agreeing to have his baby, is only half valid because decent unselfish men would be well aware the cricket intensity needed to drop and wouldn’t need the chat.

unfortunately op, you have a married a deeeply selfish man who won’t change.

I would expect him to plan his time so that all practical jobs around the house were completed without a fuss. And he would make time for me to pursue hobbies as well.

If not the cricket hours must be cut. You can't be a husband and father and only do what's important for you.

Thank you for responding everyone. To be honest I am even more confused now as some totally agree with me and others say I am completely BU 😂

I think if he'd been playing it all through your marriage then that would be one thing, but as you say, he only took it up last year, I think you need to sit him down and be clear about how much this is impacting you and see if you can find some kind of compromise. I know what it's like to feel like you are on permanent childcare duty, and it's crap. Even if you want to spend time with your child, you need a break sometimes, and you want to spend some time with him too. Have you actually talked to him about it though? He might not be aware of how much this is bothering you.

The cricket wouldn’t be an issue for me, but not pulling his weight at other times would. I might be a bit biased though as I have a hobby that takes me out 2 evenings per week and the whole of Sunday afternoon.

I’m a single parent and still manage to do everything else, so he has no excuse

Well we know from the update that this wasn't his hobby until last year.

Also, IME, once your DC start to get older alot of free time tends to get taken up by ferrying them to and supporting them in their hobbies. Parents hobbies usually take a back seat then to enable the DC activities.

Cricket family here. It does take up a lot of time during the season. He needs to pull his weight with the household chores, that seems a separate issue to the cricket, one doesn't cancel out the other, he needs to make time for it. I think maybe your issue is not actually with his hobby, but perhaps that he isn't recognising your efforts and his time spent on his hobby as a privilege? At least it's only the summer months.

I think YABU. It isn't year round, and it is something that gives him great joy. I don't get this insistence on things always being exactly equal at all times. Maybe later in life, when the kids are older, (or even now!) you will take up a hobby that takes time. Everyone deserves that, I think. As long as he is a good father in other ways, I don't really see the issue.

It’s too much. I’d say a compromise is that he plays every other weekend, or comes back earlier.

I would say taking your child along and being there together is also really nice. Cricket can be really family friendly, and you could lean into that.

Personally, from the posts I've read, and from reading between the lines, it's not the cricket which is the problem, it is the lack of ability to manage being a dad/partner/part of a family.
We all have to compromise some of our lives when certain things take priority.
He sounds a bit selfish, but unless you've had the 'talk' he may not be completly aware of it, blokes are blokes and sometimes, unless hit over a hammer with the point we don't get it.
So, you are not being unreasonable, but you do need to let him know you are completely cheesed off with his attitude and behaviour - turn it round and use the 'I'm disappointed' conversation.

Me too - our son is 10 now, and it has always been the case. It was an absolute non negotiable from day 1 - even with an exclusively bf baby. We're a team of equals, we're both as capable of parenting, and we're both equally deserving of a break and a life beyond parenting & work. We might do a bit less "as a family" than some I guess, but I happily sacrifice day trips for sanity!

My dad played Saturday and Sunday sport the whole of my early childhood. I knew from a very early age that I wouldn't put up with that kind of imbalance. My DH and I both agreed to no weekend sport whilst the children were young because I sure as hell was going to be at work all week and then parenting alone at the weekend.

Not necessarily. Depends where the match is.

I wouldn't be happy with this. I'd be fine with the two evenings, but think weekends should mostly be family time, given he presumably works full time and doesn't see his kid that much during the week. What about a compromise of him playing one Sunday a month?

My wife fences. She does it two evenings a week. She does occasional weekend competitions, but I wouldn't be happy if it was every weekend.

I also have two free evenings after putting the baby to bed where I go and do my hobby at a social group. I also very occasionally will go and do it on a Sunday.

So he only started again just about when you had a baby?? I’d say next sat morning I’ve discovered a new hobby too, it’s called not being default parent to OUR child every weekend without even being asked, I’ll be back in 8 hours bye.

Only 2 evenings a week and one day at the weekend is not unreasonable or extravagant. It's VERY important for parents to have a life, children or no children.

That gives you plenty of time to do your own hobbies and outings.

You (you both, not just you individually) should plan family things on Saturdays if you don't feel like doing your own things. Nothing stops you from meeting a friend or 2 for coffee at the cricket club on Sundays either.

but think weekends should mostly be family time, given he presumably works full time

but then WHEN do you have time to do anything?
A full weekend is not right, but one day for hobbies/ friends, one day to look after your kids and your partner can do what they like is fine.

You can also try to do things together, but it's much better for your mental and physical health to do a sport or hobby than being stuck at home pottering around or doing DIY. Life's too short.

While I appreciate how annoying the cricket is, I don't think that is intrinsically the issue. It seems to me that the issue here is that once you had a baby, he took up this very time consuming hobby. It sounds like he didn't discuss it with you, but either way, when taking up this hobby, he has not considered or lived up to the inherent bargain in hobbies of this sort - ie that he steps up to compensate in other ways and acknowledges the impact on you. So just becuase he's got cricket, doesn't mean all his other responsibilities shoudl just be handed off to you.

Can you point that out to him? That not only are you having to have the entire day alone with the baby every single week, but actually, as he's losing out on so much time, you are ALSO having to pick up other pieces of the slack?

My DH trained for a marathon a few years ago. But he was incredibly inconsiderate about HOW he did the training at first. I was so angry but, because he IS a good person, I was able to point out how ridiculous it was and he adapted accordingly. I shouldn't have had to, and that still annoys me, but at least it was sorted.

If he played cricket before you got together then I’d say you knew what you were signing up for but it sounds as if he’s only started playing again since you were pregnant/had a baby. Is that correct? If so, that’s pretty shitty.
My son plays cricket and during the season, he has to commit a lot but he doesn’t have a family of his own, so that’s a big difference!
I worked as a nanny years ago and the dad was a very keen golfer and wanted to play every Sunday too. My boss was ok with it but she insisted that he prepped the Sunday dinner and did some housework and childcare before he left etc. Maybe you could try that?!

Thanks everyone. I should have said, our son is not a baby- he's 5, and I do absolutely love spending time with him.
I will go ahead and have a proper talk to him today about how this is affecting me and that he will also have to pick up more of the slack at home!
*Edited to say he started cricket again when our son was 4, so not when he was an infant

Can he not take his son to cricket once a week to let you have some along time, or crack on with jobs around the house?
There's plenty of people in our sports league that bring children to training or games - the kids play with each other, bring toys and game (eg footballs, bat and ball), bring tablets, bring packed dinner, ride bikes on the side of the pitches, and usually seem to enjoy it. We had enough kids at a recent tournament that they set up their own mini field, recruited two adults who were on a rest period to referee/ join in, and had a quick little game amongst themselves. The rest of the time they were riding bikes, playing with each other, or having some tablet time.
For some of the parents, it's nice bonding time that's out the house, for some it's 'my partner needed a break' and for some it's that both parents play in the league, so it's very much a normal occurrence.

If there's things you're wanting to do/ time you're wanting to spend as a family, I'd say get it in the calendar and reserve it, so your partner knows not to book in any cricket.
I don't think all weekend every weekend is reasonable for either cricket or family time, but there should be a balance! If he's done two weekends in a row, saying 'can you keep next Sunday free for a family walk and dinner' is totally fine, but just expecting him to keep every weekend free and not do something he really enjoys (and has a limited window, as cricket season isn't super long), for nothing imparticular isn't necessarily reasonable! Maybe you could set a weekend every month where you both keep the whole weekend free and allocate it as family time - activity TBC? Or discuss an amount of weekend time where you'd both be able to do what you wanted solo (eg three weekend days every month), and agree that otherwise you'd check with the other before committing, and keep some family time reserved.

Thing is, although it’s great for people to have hobbies, the family stuff, life admin, chores and house maintenance still need to happen. It’s my experience that the guys who do this kind of sport regularly are not always spending the evenings and other free days catching up, or better still, doing it in advance.
he needs to make sure he pulls his weight, and not only does what needs to be done, but arranges equal chill time for you, and a reasonable amount of family time. This probably involves planning ahead so that the free weekend day isn’t taken up with chores, but is available for family outings.It may involve buying in extra help, can he afford to do this?