My husband does not understand how what he said was not ok.

[Nottogo]

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. We’re currently expecting and this will be our first child. I want my mom to be around even though we don’t have the best relationship . In the past I’ve told my husband things that my brother and I went through as children. She’s changed and we can see the progress, but we can’t forget how we were treated at times. Dh thinks she a manipulator and does not want me around much. Last week dh and I had a bad argument and I confided in my mom. Before my husband I dated this guy for 7 months and things were very bad. I’ve told my mom about this. When speaking to her she said my ex never treated me like my husband and I immediately corrected her. I told my husband I spoke with my mom after our argument and he asked what did I talk about with my mom and what did she say. I told him everything and he got upset. I understand he does not want to be compared to my ex but his response was concerning. He told me if she came around me or his child again he would have her robbed. I explained to him how what he said was not ok as that’s still my mom. He doesn’t believe he said anything wrong. I haven’t said anything to him in a hour. I don’t know what to say to him anymore. I’m not saying my husband doesn’t have a right to be upset, but is this not a little over the top.

what I told my mom was how my husband is not mindful of the things he says. The way he says things come across very rude and he doesn’t see an issue with it because people have talked to him like that his whole life. I feel like he can help out more around the house…things like that. I don’t think my mom ever like my husband and that’s why she responded the way she did.

It sounds like all three of you are saying things you shouldn’t say.

I definitely realized that I should not have talked to my mom. It happened I regret it and I won’t do it again.

What does 'have her robbed' mean?

Sounds a bit like he is just a thug? He actually threatened to have someone’s home broken into and robbed from? Which means he knows the sort of people who do that… it’s all a bit yobbish. Is he the sort of anti-social, poorly educated “hard man” people don’t want to have as a neighbour? Because that what it sounds like. I wouldn’t have married a man like that.

So he threatens your family with criminal acts to keep you in line? Suggest you rethink the relationship.

Stop confiding in your mum when you know her issues, you know she is manipulative and this will cause you issues.
It sounds like your husband has a violent control streak and you've not understood fully what you've married.
It is possible that you don't know what healthy relationships look like, but have an instinct that this isn't right. That instinct is there to protect you and the baby, you need to listen to it. Would you consider some counselling?

Your relationships with both your husband and your mother sound dysfunctional and manipulative.

By "have her robbed" does he mean have someone break into her house and steal stuff? That's a horrible and deeply disturbing thing to have said and indicates he's not a good man. If he can talk and think like that about your mother he is capable of behaving like this to you and to your unborn child.

You say you're expecting. I would be taking steps to get away from him before the baby arrives. This isn't a man you want to bring a child up with.

You don't say what happened with your mum, maybe you don't want to live with her. Where else could you go?

Because you need to prioritise getting away from this man. Then getting some counselling/therapy to understand why you think this sort of manipulative behaviour is normal/acceptable.

Two separate issues here.
1 - your mum is trying to manipulate you for some reason. Either she sees genuinely through your husband and is worried for you or she is not a nice person. Only you know which of these is true.
2 - your husband is either fed up of your mum interfering and lost his cool or he has a nasty side that involves threatening people he doesn’t like. Again only you know which is true.
Take some time to think all of this through before the baby gets here.

Isn't this exactly what your DH wants?
If he's being abusive of course doesn't want you to tell anyone.

Your mistake wasn't talking to your mother but going back to your DH and telling him what she said about him.

Your DH sounds dangerous, I think you need to protect yourself and your child and really look at your relationship closely.

You know what you are doing. You are playing them
off against each other and then acting all wide eyed and innocent.

You have deliberately wound your husband up and unfortunately he’s fallen for it and reacted like a Neanderthal.

What a delightful couple your baby is going to be born to. Not.

You've spent time bad mouthing your mum to your dh, and now you're bad mouthing your dh to your mum and then running back and telling him exactly what she said, and you wonder why he's pissed off and angry? Then you're coming on MN and trying to get others to agree he was out of line in a situation you engineered.

You're the one who sounds manipulative here imo.

What on earth are you doing bringing a child into this shitshow?

And that’s how women stay trapped in abusive marriages, by not speaking about it.

Jeremy Kyle is no longer on tv so you’ll just all have to try not to be arseholes to each other.

Your mother has probably damaged you more than you realise OP. Unclear whether your husband realises this, or he just dislikes your mother because the way she also treats him.

You need better people around you OP, neither your mother or your partner have your best interests at heart. Stop confiding in people who will store up the information to use as ammunition to hurt you at a later date. Find better people to have in your life.

Nobody is saying op shouldn't speak to anyone, but probably not the person she was abused by as a child (by the sounds of it), and then spent ages telling her husband how awful she is.

Seems you're going back and forth slagging everyone off when they say something you don't like. I had an ex like this, everytime we had an argument he would go and tell his family all about it, in front of me. He would also slag them off to me. It was tedious.
Can't you just keep your conversations private?
What he said was wrong, but you need to stop stirring the pot and causing tensions.

Two immature people having a baby.
Wonderful.

💯

The whole business sounds very rough. Where are the baby’s good role models coming from?

Sounds like your Mum might have just been spitting facts to be honest

This. ‘I’ll have her robbed.’ WTF?!

OP please come back and tell us what ‘have her robbed’ means… so many questions!

I feel sorry for your baby