My husband does not understand how what he said was not ok.

[Nottogo]

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. We’re currently expecting and this will be our first child. I want my mom to be around even though we don’t have the best relationship . In the past I’ve told my husband things that my brother and I went through as children. She’s changed and we can see the progress, but we can’t forget how we were treated at times. Dh thinks she a manipulator and does not want me around much. Last week dh and I had a bad argument and I confided in my mom. Before my husband I dated this guy for 7 months and things were very bad. I’ve told my mom about this. When speaking to her she said my ex never treated me like my husband and I immediately corrected her. I told my husband I spoke with my mom after our argument and he asked what did I talk about with my mom and what did she say. I told him everything and he got upset. I understand he does not want to be compared to my ex but his response was concerning. He told me if she came around me or his child again he would have her robbed. I explained to him how what he said was not ok as that’s still my mom. He doesn’t believe he said anything wrong. I haven’t said anything to him in a hour. I don’t know what to say to him anymore. I’m not saying my husband doesn’t have a right to be upset, but is this not a little over the top.

what I told my mom was how my husband is not mindful of the things he says. The way he says things come across very rude and he doesn’t see an issue with it because people have talked to him like that his whole life. I feel like he can help out more around the house…things like that. I don’t think my mom ever like my husband and that’s why she responded the way she did.

You've spent most of your relationship telling your husband how dreadful your Mum is, and how awful she treated you and your brother as children. You claim she's improved as she's gotten older and decided to confide in her after an argument with your husband. You then tell your husband you told your Mum about the argument and what she said to you. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't confide in someone...but you know yourself how awful she's been to you in the past and equally you know your husband doesn't have a very high opinion of her...so why confide in her?????? You didn't have to tell your husband or what she said, you chose to do that. You must have known your husband wouldn't be happy??? So why did you do it??? Your husband's reaction was anger, and in anger he said something he shouldn't. Unless, there's a huge drip feed here and your husband is the local thug, I doubt he'd do what he said. To me, you played your Mum off against your husband, which is manipulative, whilst fully knowing how your husband would react. That's attention seeking behaviour, designed to cause drama/upset and for you to see who 'loves' you more.

Firstly, stop confiding in your mum.

If you want to talk it through and have no one else come on here or use ChatGPT.

Secondly, if you do confide in someone, don’t tell your DP.

Its horrible to find out your partner has been talking bad about you and I think it was cruel of you to tell him this.

Thirdly, have her robbed???!!

WTAF! How old is he? He sounds about 12. I don’t think I’ve ever heard such an immature and completely irrelevant response.

Honestly this entire family seems completely dysfunctional and it’s a concern that a baby is soon going to be in the middle of it all.
You seem vulnerable and I would be worried about how you’re going to cope with a baby.

Do you have any other support?
Are SS involved?

IMHO you need to set boundaries. For yourself and others.

Don’t confide in your mother about problems with your DH. Confide in a friend or family member who’s always been good to you and won’t have to see much of your DH. You’re still trying to rebuild your relationship with your mother. You shouldn’t breach trust with your DH - unless he’s abusive.

Tell your DH that you’ll see and speak to your mother whenever you choose. It’s none of his business. And it’s not acceptable for him to make threats towards her.

Rather an odd threat to say he’ll rob her. Has he ever robbed anyone else? He doesn’t sound the most charming or respectful of men.

Also suggest you set boundaries with your DH about housework. It should be 50/50. He should never be rude to you. He should be respectful. If he can’t be, he needs to get support to work on that. I’m sure he wasn’t ruse to you when he first met you (or what would have been the appeal) and isn’t rude to people at work. So it’s likely he can control it when he wants.

Agree with this.

You have a dysfunctional mother and more than likely linked to that you’ve chosen a dysfunctional husband.

What are your DH’s good points? It’s probably because cod your poor upbringing you find awful partners, and now you are bringing a child into this shitshow

Sounds like a really nice safe stable environment to bring a baby into!

Don’t be vulnerable around your mother, it’s like bleeding next to a shark.

You married someone like your mother, but you are not a small child anymore and have options now. All the best.

By ‘robbed’ do you mean kidnapped or mugged?

I really do hope SS are involved, please OP, for the sake of your child get some help, you're a victim and if you don't make drastic changes your child will just repeat the cycle

When you have two immature and volatile people in your life, you can start by not stirring it up between them, nobody looks good here.

Delightful situation to bring a child into.

OP, it nay be helpful to be aware that, in an abusive relationship, the two most dangerous times are (1) in pregnancy and (2) when leaving

Talk to friends or a therapist, not your problematic mother.

ETA have her robbed? What? How did I skim over that?! He sounds awful.

Oh no, so many lessons to be learnt from this. I did know how you expected your DH to react to DM input.
Robbed??

Why on earth are you having a baby? Absolute madness.

It sounds like you had a horrible childhood with an awful mum. I'm sorry.

You never learned what a good relationship is.

So you've now chosen an awful man to inflict on yourself -and worse, you're now inflicting him on a child. Do you live in hope that one day it'll all come right and you'll be a lovely happy healthy family?

She's your mum, you know you're supposed to be able to confide and trust and depend, especially when there's a baby.

So absolutely understandable that you try.

But because of her inadequacy she upsets you, so you go to the other person you're supposed to be able to confide and trust and depend on.

Have her robbed?!

Do you mean burgled, mugged?

What on earth have you married?

You're emotionally and physically very vulnerable, especially to people who treat others badly.

Take a good look at how he treats you, because when the baby comes it will get worse. For both of you.

The mum you wanted just isn't there. Stop confiding in hope she'll step up, because she'll just keep using it to upset you.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Sounds like you've gone from an abusive childhood to a string of abusive relationships. Finding a really good counsellor should be your top priority so your child doesn't experience the same cycle.

You've been raised by an abuser now you're married to one. And a poor child is getting born into this.

This is like really bad chat GPT.