To be quite tired of people rubbing it in how much better their kids are than mine

[WantToLiveOnRakiura]

My son has autism and ADHD, and was concussed a few months ago. He has in the past been identified as academically and musically gifted, but since the concussion he's only had flashes of his old self, and mostly struggles academically. Music is much better than academics. Music is the part that really matters to him.

The families he used to mix with musically have all spent a lot of time, since the concussion happened, rubbing it in that their little darlings are "just" gifted, i.e. none of this 2E stuff, and certainly none of this memory/ visual/ executive impairment stuff post concussion.

Well, great for their kids. I am responding to their comments with things like "Well, isn't it marvellous that your kids are outperforming everyone else in [big city full of musical kids and pushy parents]! Go them!"

And then I don't talk any more, and I feel sad that my son is now unlikely to ever catch up to these people who used to be sort-of friends through his absolute favourite activity.

They are competing with you (because they’re insecure) but you don’t need and shouldn’t compete with them. Ignore them. Encourage your son in what he enjoys.

Purely from your post, I wonder if the people in the music group are saying overtly their DCs are gifted or drawing comparisons, or if you’re hearing/assuming that meaning?

Your second sentence - ‘He has in the past been identified as academically and musically gifted…’ suggests you put store in these labels. I wonder if you can reframe your son’s passions and achievements from a different lens - ie in spite of his challenges he continues to enjoy and embrace music like others in his band/orchestra/school, and is all the more remarkable for that.

Of course if the other families have overtly drawn comparisons or said and meant hurtful things then of course stop socialising with them (or have a word with the organisers). I can’t believe that all (or the majority) of these parents would say or even think those comparisons in relation to your child. More likely they’re just looking for validation that their own child is doing well and being oblivious to how it might make you feel (which of course can still be hurtful to you but perhaps less-so than if there was the intent)?

OP I have no idea if this is helpful as obviously don't have access to your son's medical history but I got concussion after having a seizure in the street due to sepsis a few months ago. I was really, really not ok until very recently - couldn't work etc, it felt like my brain was working in slow motion - but just this weekend I seem to be snapping out of it. I also have autism and ADHD.

Hopefully your boy will also get back to how he was! Ignore the idiots x

I have two autistic/ADHD DC who are a very long way from being gifted. I am AuHD myself.

All I will say is comparison is the thief of joy.

You don’t need to compete. You don’t need to compare. Drop the rope.

Our path sometimes looks very different, and that’s without a concussion. Your boy sounds fabulous.

Hope your ds recovers quickly and completely soon and can get back to his music.

This quote was my thought too.

Are they saying things like "well our Jonny is just gifted, so concussion of course wouldn't effect him."

Or is it they're having much the same comments they always did along the lines of "Jonny's playing the concert with the royal concert orchestra. So excited for the opportunity" which they always did but whereas before you would have your own boast to reply with, so now it feels like showing off; before it was normal chats?

If lots of people are doing the first, then I'd suspect you've been a little too vocal about him being "2E". I've never heard that term used in RL (and I've known some truly exceptional DC) so it's not the sort of thing people generally talk about.

Comparison is the thief of joy

Music can be brutal imo for competitiveness. Especially in orchestras where they are auditioned/seated as everyone around your son will automatically be a competitor. It’s really hard, but I’d try to just ignore and celebrate your son’s achievements and enjoyment of it. Really sorry OP, hope things improve.

https://raisinglifelonglearners.com/just-dont-like-gifted-kids/

The people who I'm moaning about are the ones drawing overt comparisons to my son. The second sentence was to explain the context that he used to mix sort of on a level with their kids, but was always "second best" because he was 2E. Now he's had concussion as well he's no longer in their league, and the parents are pointing this out.

Of course I'm continuing to support him however I can, particularly to embrace music and to not fall too far behind academically.

I am just really tired of the gormless knobs who think it's a great idea to say "oh, well, WE don't have any of those problems, thank God, aren't WE lucky!" in front of me, and in front of my son.

Thankyou for this. Glad to hear you are getting back to things. Son is recovering, but slowly, and it's meaning he has to miss various opportunities that had been planned - trips to other cities and overseas for music - which is what's triggering these conversations with pushy music parents.

It's fairly obvious to anyone that's met him that he's both gifted in music and quite neurodivergent. They might not know the term 2E but they're familiar with the idea of being both good at stuff and having support needs in other areas. They're responding to me saying that planned trips to do music in other cities/ overseas are no longer happening because he's recovering from concussion slowly and the slow recovery is compounded by the AuDHD. They're taking the conversational cue as one to say "oh thank God we don't have any of that to deal with" rather than "that sounds really hard, poor DS, he must be really disappointed, how's the recovery going anyway?"

Many people I know say (or in the past have said) that their kids are academically gifted and their teachers are stunned by their intellect. The ones that have grown up have gone on to be very normal adults doing quite mundane jobs. It’s so easy to get carried away when kids have teachers telling them how special they are. I find it really hard too when people boast at me about their stunningly gifted kids! Now I just have a secret laugh about it to myself.

Your son sounds amazing. Being musically talented is a gift from god! You aren’t a boastful braggart which is even more amazing!

I had successful children in very competitive areas during their teens and I can honestly say that I came zcross some truly ugly parents.

People that would step on any child happily to progress and encourage their cheating if necessary.

I would describe them as really sad people and actively avoid.

Invariably these children moved on to other interests eventually, which makes their ugly behaviour, win at all cost obsession even sadder.

I really hope your son makes a speedy recovery.
Concussion is such a worry.
My son ran out in front of a car, was thrown up in the air and hit his head.
We were so lucky the car wasn't speeding.
We watched him carefully for months after he had concussion.
11 years on he has made a great recovery and is presently in university doing a very tough degree.

Wishing you well.

Have they actually said the words "I'm glad we don't have to deal with concussion"? Or is that what you're taking from the interaction.

I have never heard the term 2E so I have no idea what you mean by that

MN never fails to blow my mind. Are there honestly people who behave like this in the real world? Not doubting you OP, just staggered that people with this degree of self absorption and lack of even the most basic levels of empathy, compassion and tact walk among us.

Obviously if these people were friends I would say drop them and never look back, but from the sounds of it it is more that circumstances force you together. In which case all you can do is ignore and be thankful that you are not as graceless as they are, or call them out on it, every time.

I have a DC with very significant difficulties and honestly the people in my life could not be more thoughtful and considerate of my feelings. I'm sure that privately they are relieved not to be walking in our shoes, and I don't blame them. But never, EVER have I had a single comment like that.

I really hope your DD makes a full recovery, it sounds like a devastating thing to have happened to him.

These people sound hideous. Not normal. I have met many show-off parents but not ones that are quite so insensitive and borderline cruel. Try and have v little to do with them.

They are odd and perhaps vicariously living life through their kids. If they were that content and proud, why do they need to put down a ND child with concussion?

I highly doubt that the reality is as OP suggests.

If you know people who are like this in real life Op I would just not engage with them. No normal person would act in that way. It rather suggests this is a YOU problem and you are feeling sensitive about the impact the concussion has had on your sons ability to compete and allowing jealousy to creep in to you assessment of any interactions.

It all sounds like a lot of intensity and pressure from you which I hope you are shielding your child from as this is the last thing he needs.

YANBU

There’s nothing worse than braggy people.

I hope your DS makes a good recovery 💐

You’re feeling insecure and think they are rubbing your nose in it despite merely just making proud comments about their kids. Move on, it’s going to be a miserable exhausting life if you think everyone making comments about kids is rubbing it in.

Exactly this. The op is interpreting this due to her being sensitive. I wonder how the other parents of non gifted kids felt when op was banging on about how gifted her son was?

From my own experience of a different sphere, autism and ADHD hyperfocus can be a serious advantage in the longer term to giftedness. It is very common for ND people to be able to apply themselves to their interests in a way that is just not possible for NT people. That is probably why these people’s insecurities around your son are all coming out while he is still recovering from his head trauma.

It’s also not uncommon for autism to be genetic so again OT, could it be your assessment of the interpersonal interaction may be impacted by some undiagnosed ND of your own? Said kindly, but this level of intensity and upset doesn’t seem like the right sort of focus so suggests something else at play here

Ah you’re spot on then; some of them do sound like gormless knobs, who are rude to boot.

They are lucky they didn’t have a child who got a concussion. That’s where their luck ran out because they clearly haven’t learnt manners, empathy or decency.

If one or two of the parents are kinder (they must be?) maybe have a word with them: I’m pleased my dc is in finding enjoyment in his music again, but the remarks of the parents are spoiling it for me/us. Please can you help me keep conversations on track and realise this is for enjoyment not competition at this stage of his recovery…

If they’re saying the team trip isn’t happening because of DSs recovery then that is not on either. Have a word with the organisers that the message from them needs to be the group isn’t ready for a trip, or we are all looking at xyz closer to home this year/season.

I find that some people struggle with other people’s kids achievements and are sensitive to any mention of success.

I have a friend who on hearing (announced by her Dc) that my Dc had won an academic prize went on to say, in front of my 12 yo Dc, that not everyone who does well at school goes on to do well in life.

It’s a very ugly quality and years later I don’t mention to her how my Dc are getting on and even if she asks I’ll say little about it.

The op sounds like your friend.