To ask for advice on how best to help DS17

[ArtfulGoldWriter]

DS 17 is really struggling socially- he has friends in college but doesn’t seem to be able to make that translate into a social life out of college. He’s trying so hard - texts people to ask if they want to hang out but often doesn’t get a response - he says it’s because people are in existing groups from school so it’s hard to break into that.

Hes had a really rough time- his best friend tragically died of cancer a year ago and he’s struggled. He’s such a lovely kid- really supported his friend when he was ill but now he feels lonely and a bit isolated.

we are trying to help him get a part time job or volunteer somewhere and he wants to go to uni but have a year out- he has another year left of college. He’s quite shy so want to build his confidence but the knock backs aren’t helping. I have thought about some CBT to help him build confidence.

Anyone got any ideas- we are at a bit of a loss- like I say, he has got friends in college - he just wants a social life and it’s making him sad.

Sports groups can help teenagers with friendships. There's often a lot of time hanging about before and after, especially if there are competition days. Does he like anything like swimming, football etc?

He was in a footy team for a while but have it up at the end of GCSEs . He does go to the gym and some days in the week with friends when he sees them at college- just not at the weekends which is when he feels lonely

If he's not into sports, look for something a bit different like a games cafe. They sometimes have social events that you can just turn up on your own.

My DS17 is just the same so I am watching with interest.

Would he try football again? Or a part time job?

He’d love a part time job but it’s tricky finding one - we are in a uni town so the students often take the jobs - he’s been applying!

It’s hard isn’t it!

DD doesn't really meet up with friends outside of college. But then she has manic schedule, with 4 A-levels, swimming 5 times a week, young leaders with cubs and work x2 a week.

It's never really bothered her as she is often busy if asked anyway. Encourage him to have a sport or hobby. Volunteering which could be anything from scouting/youth groups to a charity shop can be a good way to learn skills and help get job.

definitely sports clubs of some kind - volunteer at park run, cricket, athletics?

Not sure what you have in your area but climbing (roped or bouldering) can be quite a social and friendly space

I second volunteering as a good way to meet people.

and when trying to meet college people, the best option is to look around and see who else is lonely. There will be other kids in the class who aren’t in a gang, and those are the kids to approach and chat to.

What about going to watch a a sport? My ds has made many friends through being a season ticket holder for our local football club, he got talking to lots of the lads who stand in his section and now will meet up with them at other times too.

He has had a lot to deal with, losing his best friend as well as starting college.

What are his interests? I’d look to build on those to maintain his self esteem.

It might be better for him to go to university straight away rather than having a year out? He’ll start with a cohort his age and there’ll be ready made social opportunities and halls so he’d find friends quickly and easily. If he has a year out, with no job it might compound his isolation.

Theres a shortage of lifeguards so he could train as that and then get a job. Plus if he wanted to do something like Camp America etc before uni it would help with that too.

I have this with DS just a little older. .We stumble along with friendships, sometimes there's a group of 3 to 5 that breaks down, then move to a 1 to 1 friendship, which becomes intense. That fades for some reason. I suggested to DS summer before last to take up volunteering. He's a practical young man. So he's been volunteering one morning a month for the local repair cafe. He moans at me that they are all older people, but they love him to bits because he's keen, good with elderly people, helpful. I've said to him one morning a month is fine for a busy young person to be volunteering and it's good that he does. Hes not sporty or musical, so not sure what else to suggest. He won't be going to uni.

Im sorry he had to go through that with his friend - such a lot to deal with at that age.
As PP say, CBT can be v helpful and a part time job or volunteering can really help. I’m sure that at uni he will find his people, if he’s open to it. It’s important he realises that some of these interactions are superficial or people might have different priorities, but he’s serving himself by keeping on trying. There’s certainly some other people who feel the same. I wonder if he’s being specific about hanging out - or asking if there are plans he can tag along to?

Would he consider volunteering?? My son was exactly the same. No social life. He's now volunteering with the local heritage railway and absolutely loving it. Good luck for your son, its not easy sometimes x

My DSs best friend died. It was life changing and affected him in many ways. One of which was an avoidance of forging close friendships. You don't need to be a psychologist to understand why. I'm wondering if there's something similar going on with your DS, perhaps on a subconscious level he's not 'available' for friends because hes holding back? I might be way off, but thought it worth mentioning. I don't know if he's had therapy focusing on his bereavement, but it may help.

Yes, he’s just not ready to leave home though yet to be honest with everything- he wants to be near me and his Dad at the moment

I think there’s some of that definitely. He also had a bad experience in secondary being a bit bullied as he is quiet and shy and it’s all affected him and covid too - I definitely think CBT could help him. I feel so bad for him as he’s a lovely kid and has been through so much at 17- I just want him to find his tribe so to speak!

Another watching with interest as my son very similar.

There’s some really good advice I think here! I have a 13 year old DD who is the total opposite

what is he going to do in his year out? Worry that it could be even worse. Uni could be the answer, as so many societies etc where he can find like minded people. There’s so many organisations etc out there, he should look at joining something of interest, depending what his interests are. Volunteer roles will be required in many places. If he puts himself out there then hopefully friendships will naturally follow.

My daughter was the same throughout college, and we did a lot of research to try and find something she could join to enable her to meet people, but aside from sports, and church groups (which also seem to end at 18) there was nothing. She had a job, and took up a sport but neither brought friends, just filled a bit of time. I was really sad for her.
Now, a year later she has a boyfriend, and through him a group of 'friends' and things to do. She still struggles with social interaction (on the ASD diagnosis pathway) but at least is finally getting some practice. I'd love, as would she, her to have that special 'best friend' relationship, but have to trust that one day that person will come along.
I hope that happens again one day for your son too.

I have been worried about that but he’s just not ready to leave home yet and I was the same, needed an extra year and ended up dropping out of my first uni because I hadn’t realised that - we are keeping an open mind over the next year and visiting uni’s etc in the autumn but I think he just wants a year to work etc