To think I have to call it a day

[Booboo7]

Been with DH 8 years, we both had children when we meet and have not had any together. I have 2 x DS (14&12) and he has 1 DD (16) and 1 DS (12). The issue is that when his DS is due to stay I can feel my mood becoming low and I am really struggling the whole time he is here. His DS ignores me when I talk to him 95% of the time and just glares at me, I have raised this with DH too many times to count over the last 3 years and don’t have the energy to keep doing it as it’s draining and nothing improves. When DSS is here I feel so on edge and uncomfortable in my own home.
i dearly love DH and he is a great husband to me but is it wrong to think that feeling like this is not healthy and it’s best to just walk awa

Stop talking to him. Time out on the spot works a treat.

Smile and pretend he’s a gold fish. Feed him and make sure he doesn’t die but don’t engage past that. It’s a pathetic little power play I’m sure he isn’t a asshole to anyone but you.

Really? Would we be saying this if a mum posted saying her husband and daughter were treating each other like shit what should she do? It would pretty much unanimously LTB right?

Some of these responses are wild.

I had a similar experience but the step son was older. After trying for a very long time, I eventually did what many people on here are recommending and just simply ignored him. It was horrendous. I was constantly on eggshells in my own house. Having a hulking big lump of a brooding, sulking teen in my house that I tried to pretend wasn't there just mase me constantly anxious. It's not a natural or pleasant way to live at all. His father was deeply abusive to me though and I think he took great delight in knowing that the whole thing upset me. It was one of the many, many reasons why I eventually left him.

If you’ve been together for 8 years, have you known this boy since he was around 4 years old? Has he always been this way with you, or is it more recent and if so how recently? As others have said it’s likely a sulky tween phase than he will eventually come through (assuming he hasn’t been like this for 8 years). How is the daughter with you? What is the relationship between your DP and his ex, their mum, like? Could the son be hearing his mum (either intentionally speaking to him or unintentionally overhearing) saying negative things about your DP/you that would cloud his judgement?

I agree, I think lots are missing the point. if it’s anything like my marriage was I’d be expected not only not to react but to see it as a privilege that my stepchild was treating me this way. I did withdraw and was lamented for it and then gaslight into thinking it was my fault. The husband is key to this and if he doesn’t sort it out with the child I think the OP cannot win.

DSS son sounds like a prick.

Id be having an ultimatum talk. Whether DH wants to acknowledge it or not, your DSS is making you feel awkward and is rude in the home. Either your DH gets on board to address this, or it’s over.

Is DH not around much? Can he not see this behaviour? Or is he choosing to ignore it?

Did you play a part in the ending of his parents relationship? Did you get together soon after they split?

I have a rude (and spoilt) nephew. I would rather run away to a different country on my own than have to live with him. It’s not so much his behaviour, it’s the fact his parents do fuck all to improve or address it.

If I was you I’d move out for at least the next six years but maintain relationship with dh just in separate houses. I couldn’t live with that atmosphere.

Has been like this for last 3 years.
i don’t have a relationship with his mother and DH deals with communication with her after an issue where she couldn’t get hold of him (poor signal at work) and blew up my phone leaving 4 voicemails, 7 text messages etc as I didn’t answer either - I work in NhS so no shifts on duty, the matter was non urgent and wanted us to do his swimming lesson at the weekend- was Monday.

No issues with step daughter - would say we have a friend relationship in the sense she has 2 parents and knows I am their if she needs me or anything and will happily ask to come and help with my hobby etc

I would record him on a few occasions and then sit and have the conversation with your DH. It does get easier once they grow up a bit. I have been in your situation and DSD ended up living with us for a few years, i lost weight and nearly had a nervous breakdown. I wish i'd spoke up more to DH but he was more or less oblivious to the situation because she would say she wasn't doing what she was doing, she was so sly and sneaky. He did eventually come round to what was going on but she moved out by then. He has since admitted he knew I was thinking of leaving him round that time due to how I felt. We came though the other side but he was completely blind to some of it but then had the dad guilt too.

Your DH clearly hasn't dealt with this properly. If you tell him the marriage is over because of it, then he will either step up and sort it, or your marriage will be voer and that might be the best thing.

One of my GDs went through a phase like this at 12 - she was frankly rude in her demeanor and her words. I studiously ignored it - no flicker of a reaction. It passed.

He is at an in-between age and has the added complication of split parents. It is not personal to you - this is just the way his confusion is expressing itself.

Be the adult here and let it wash by you.

If appropriate it might be worth saying to your chidlren when on your own with them that you can see DSS is going through a troubled time and you are just ignoring his behaviour to give him time to get through it. That way they know that the behaviour is inappropriate but that you are on top of it so they do not have to worry about it.

Do not let it break up your marriage! - why would you? That way, everyone suffers - no-one gains anything.

Big Girl Pants needed! Do not take any of it to heart. You are the adult - you understand the challenges this lad is facing. If you think of it as a young man struggling with life at present then you can make sure you react in an objective and reasoned way, which is what is needed.

Do not record stuff! The less you make of all this the better!

This is a DH problem I’m sorry, he needs to crack down on his son and insist on basic civility. Has he genuinely persisted in this? Every time you get ignored telling him to reply to you etc? It’s about basic politeness to others.

Any idea what triggered the change 3 years ago?

I would just give dss some space, don't talk to him directly but not in an obvious sulky way either just address the room when letting them know dinner ready or you are heading out etc. Or statements that dont require a response when they arrive "hello, nice to see you dss. Dsd how was school?"

Try not to take it personally you have done nothing wrong he is a 12 year old who for whatever reason is struggling. Maybe he is just in this bad habit now and doesn't know how to make a change. Not talking to him for a bit might take the pressure off.

I think this is a good starting point for now while you think about your relationship with your DH. Never say anything to him that requires an answer if you can help it. Issue a pleasantry and move on Royal Family-style. Have zero expectations of having a conversation with him. What is he like with his father and sister? Does his sister ever correct him or say anything to you about his behaviour?

Step son and step daughter barely talk to be fair as neither seen to really like each other so 90% of communication between them is argued or spiteful (that’s both ways not just step son).

Absolutely this. If he is going to be so monumentally rude to you in your own house, and DH isn’t going to intervene, then treat him like he is not even there. Light breezy, do whatever you like and ignore him.

This is also a good option if it’s workable. Even suggesting it (not threatening it or using it as a tool) to your DH might make him realise how serious this is for you. I could not have survived this long in a house with an atmosphere like this.
I live alone apart from DS half the week and it is absolute bliss.

The OP isn’t treating her step son like shit. It’s one way. If this dynamic was the same between a DH and a step DD I would be saying the exact same.

He needs to be taught some manners and basic respect

I have mentioned to DH staying at a hotel when step son is here as it makes me uncomfortable. If he sees son ignore me he does pull him up and tell him to answer etc but as soon as he leaves the room step son goes straight back and after over 2 years of pulling him up constantly it felt I was then always ‘pulling him up’ which while needed was draining and I felt not helping so I have reduced conversations and only talking when an answer is needed but this is draining and stressful and I am not starting to dread how I feel a few days before he even arrives

@Booboo7 it sounds like this isn’t directed at you really but to everyone. His sister gets the same treatment as you? What about grandparents and other family members?

I wouldnt do a single thing for the little twerp. Get the dad to sort him out.

On that note id stay well away from anyone with kids. Become a glorified doormat? I dont think so.

Do not have DH pull him up when he does not respond; nor do it yourself. Ignore, ignore, ignore. He has had 2 years of this. He is expressing his unhappiness. He needs you all to get off his back and let him be. He cannot help how he feels. Where and when does he have the chance to express his unhappiness? He feels powerless.

As the adults you need to try and think yourselves inside his head and ask yourselves what might help him best. Pulling him up on this all the time does not help him - it just makes him feel more worthless and sad.

When he arrives say "Hi X, good to see you", and leave it at that. End of.

You are engaging with him at a child's level by taking offence and talking about moving out to a hotel, rather than seeing it for what it is from an adult perspective - a very unhappy child who needs stability, needs you both to be rocks for him.

It is not as if he is ripping the place apart ..........