Feeling stressed/anxious about dds 18th

[Liz79k]

My dd will be turning 18 very soon. In an ideal world I would love to hold a family get-together involving my mum/dad, brother and his family along with my dh's sister her family and dh's dad.
However dh and his Dad had a big bust up about 6 months ago which has been brewing over the years, they haven't spoken since. Dh dad also hasn't contacted his granddaughter during this time.

I do not want any animosity at my dds birthday celebration. We asked dd what she would like to do and she said a meal out with myself and dh. She has also invited along my mum and dad. My dd is extremely close to her Grandma and sees her weekly.

I feel bad for not inviting the rest of the family along but I refuse to have any tension spoiling my dds special day. I don't want to be obviously leaving out her other Grandad because that is just cruel, so that means not inviting Auntie and Uncle's too. Everyone is now aware this meal is happening. My brothers family will be totally fine about not being invited but dhs family will not be okay and yes I do understand why. It's causing me so much worry and is spoiling what is a huge milestone for me too.
Anyone else been in a similar situation?

I haven’t been in a similar position be sure thankfully my family don’t behave like this

however just looking at the situation… I really wouldn’t care what others think. Anyone who gets in an arse because they’re not invited to something is an arse

As long as your DD genuinely made the decision who to invite without any pressure from you or her father, then just enjoy it

The same grandad who hasn’t bothered to contact your dd in half a year?

Omg not everything has to be a drama just go out with who she wants. If I was her and you was making a big deal of it I'd be saying sod you all and go out with mates

Is she doing anything with friends?

Honestly, you need to 100% focus on your daughter.
It is HER day and HER memory.
You are following her wishes.
Anyone who would give you grief over this is someone to back away from.

What does your DD want? I agree with PP - an 18th birthday is usually more of a friends occasion than a family one.

She’s said what she wants. Dial down the drama.

Dd has struggled with anxiety in the past and only has a couple of close friends who she is seeing the following day. This is why we are also doing something as a family.

No pressure of who to invite at all. If I had my way I would keep it just the 3 of us but I can't un-invite my mum and why should she and my dd suffer when it's not even them that caused the issue.

Well its hardly surprising she suffers from anxiety.

Agreed. Abundantly clear why.

OP FGS don’t let your anxiety make her even more anxious and ruin her birthday dinner

Her anxiety has not been induced by family issues.

No 17 year old on the planet should be dragged in to adult family messes to such an extent they have anxiety about it

And you are doing it here op

Wow, some very judgemental people on here. I was only asking for advice.

It's your daughter's day - she chooses who comes.

Tho as you are presumably paying she should check with you that it is ok for her to invite x y and z.

Judgemental for saying keep your poor teen daughter out of this mess and don’t let your anxiety exacerbate her existing anxiety and ruin her birthday

and you think that’s “judgement”?

Poor dd

She hasn't been dragged into it. Thanks for you positive advice though.

A 17 year old suffering from anxiety because of the adults in her family arguing and frothing at one another? That means she most definitely has been dragged in to it op

but what hope is there when her mother can’t see this

If you walk away from this thread please just take away to not spoil this lovely event for her. Doesn’t sound like she’s doing anything to celebrate with friends so this is super meaningful

This. Why create drama. Does a soon to be 18 year old even really care about every relative being there?

dd 18th birthday- she gets to decide who gets invited, end of. Her day to enjoy and remember.

Rest of the family will just have to deal with it like adults. You cannot please everyone all the time - just let it go.

I think it's incredibly sad that someone uses mumsnet to ask for advice and them some people think it's acceptable to respond in what comes across as a deliberately antagonistic way. I've seen this happen to other posters and it's not very nice and quite unpleasant.

Oh its all poor you get the violins 🎻 out. It's the same in your op how its causing you worry and stress and how you feel bad not inviting the family. It's not your birthday its not about you, your daughter has said what she wants end of.

How does everyone know about the meal?

why not just invite your side of the family, or everyone except the grandad who hasn’t bothered to contact her for 6 months? Until they make up, surely he wouldn’t expect to be invited anyway?

I think it’s “incredibly sad” that there is a lonely anxious 17 year old out there about to have her one birthday celebration spoilt by her mother