Feeling stressed/anxious about dds 18th

[Liz79k]

My dd will be turning 18 very soon. In an ideal world I would love to hold a family get-together involving my mum/dad, brother and his family along with my dh's sister her family and dh's dad.
However dh and his Dad had a big bust up about 6 months ago which has been brewing over the years, they haven't spoken since. Dh dad also hasn't contacted his granddaughter during this time.

I do not want any animosity at my dds birthday celebration. We asked dd what she would like to do and she said a meal out with myself and dh. She has also invited along my mum and dad. My dd is extremely close to her Grandma and sees her weekly.

I feel bad for not inviting the rest of the family along but I refuse to have any tension spoiling my dds special day. I don't want to be obviously leaving out her other Grandad because that is just cruel, so that means not inviting Auntie and Uncle's too. Everyone is now aware this meal is happening. My brothers family will be totally fine about not being invited but dhs family will not be okay and yes I do understand why. It's causing me so much worry and is spoiling what is a huge milestone for me too.
Anyone else been in a similar situation?

Are you sure???

Your DD has set out her wishes for the people she wants at her meal. Follow this and don’t get stressed about what you think should happen / who will get upset - it’s their problem if they can’t accept the wishes of another adult i.e. your DD not yours. Enjoy your meal out with your DD and the people she wants there to celebrate with.

Gosh people are being really mean, OP. I totally understand cos I'm from a family where the web of grudges and animosity looks like it could happily host Charlotte's whole family.

But, kindly, this really sounds like something you'd post about your DD's 8th (or 12th or 13th) birthday. At 18 it's more of a friend thing, and even if it's with family it's rarely a big extended family affair like a little child's birthday would be. Are you sure the aunts and uncles on DH's family will mind not being invited? I really don't think they'll care as much as you think, unless they have form for being petty. Most people know they aren't going to be invited to a niece/nephew's 18th or 21st because these aren't really "family" events.

As for DH's parents, perhaps just explain that your DD sees her maternal grandma weekly so is much closer and requested for her to join.

Your mature, adult child has said what she wants, so just do it. Most 18 year olds would rather celebrate with friends than squads of relatives, I'm sure, so this seems a reasonable compromise.
The thought of one of these awful "family meals" with loads of people is not appealing to many people - it's no big deal.

OP, her aski g for a very small family gathering is very normal. The main focus being on the friends and her meeting them.

Probably better you avoid your husbands family completely for a while.
His family, his upset.
Let him fix it.

Quite.

OP, you’re making a big drama about something straightforward. You’re roping your poor teenage daughter into this drama. For heaven’s sake get a sense of perspective.

She’s told you what she wants. Sort that.

No one else needs to be involved, know about it, have an opinion. To be honest I think it would be healthier if she ditched the family event and celebrated with her friends, but that’s up to her.

As her parent it’s part of your job to shield her from extended family bullshit. Step up to the plate.

All these adults arguing, getting in to spats, mother getting anxious and stressed and her daughter’s 18th family dinner… I mean what chance is there of this being a joyous happy occasion? Nil