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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gran won’t come to wedding as I’m not inviting the whole family

44 replies

Erinidle · 15/06/2025 14:58

I love my gran dearly, she’s in her 80s, I lived with her for a while in my teens and early 20s. She is incredibly headstrong and does have favourite grandchildren.

Im getting married in the summer, I have not invited my aunts/uncles/cousins. The only family I will have there from either side is my brother and his children and even that is evening only, no one from my dad’s side or even my dad either. My mum passed away when I was 13.

Mainly this is because I’m just not close to them, they aren’t really my kind of people and I’d rather have a room of people I love than random blood relations who don’t much like me and I don’t much like.

Ny grans favourites are 2 of my cousins and my brother. She didn’t attend 2 of my other cousins weddings as these people weren’t invited. She refuses to hear my opinion on why I won’t invite them.

Now with no family there, I would like my gran there, we are close and she is generally supportive. My DP thinks we should just invite my family for the sake of peace. I think this would be awful, some of them are fine and we just aren’t close but others are troubled and I can’t bring myself to have them in my life.

AIBU to be hurt that my gran won’t attend for me? And AIBU to not invite the wider family?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 15/06/2025 15:18

Send her the invitation. If she chooses not to attend, so be it.
She can't dictate who your guests are, so just ask invite her and accept her decision.

pinkdelight · 15/06/2025 15:20

Now with no family there, I would like my gran there, we are close and she is generally supportive.

If she's in her 80s and won't know anyone there except you, maybe it's just too much to ask. Your brother won't even be there till the evening by which time she might be wiped out. You have to see it from her side, even though it's your day - it's a lot to expect a woman in her 80s to go to a roomful of your friends just so she's 'there'. It's as much that she'd want to be with her family who'll talk to her and make a day of it, rather than her being the only one from your family in attendance. That would be uncomfortable for a lot of people - witness the zillion threads on here from people who won't attend weddings without a plus one. It's nice that you want her there, but you'll be busy with your wedding and not have much time for her. It's not unreasonable for her to want some known company.

Viviennemary · 15/06/2025 15:20

Yabu. It's up to you who you invite but up to your Gran if she comes. She has decided not to. You need to accept that.

WallaceinAnderland · 15/06/2025 15:30

It's an invitation, she is allowed to decline. You are allowed to invite your own guests. That's it.

Doorsways · 15/06/2025 15:34

Invite her but accept her decision.
She doesn't get to dictate your wedding.

Do not invite the wider family that you don't like, absolutely no point in that.

Enjoy your day.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 15/06/2025 15:36

I don’t think you’ve thought this through. I agree with @pinkdelight

If she's in her 80s and won't know anyone there except you, maybe it's just too much to ask. Your brother won't even be there till the evening by which time she might be wiped out.

I don’t think you have to invite the whole family. But at least your brother for the full day.

There has to be a compromise in there somewhere that isn’t just gran but also isn’t the whole family.

RitaAndFrank · 15/06/2025 15:37

pinkdelight · 15/06/2025 15:20

Now with no family there, I would like my gran there, we are close and she is generally supportive.

If she's in her 80s and won't know anyone there except you, maybe it's just too much to ask. Your brother won't even be there till the evening by which time she might be wiped out. You have to see it from her side, even though it's your day - it's a lot to expect a woman in her 80s to go to a roomful of your friends just so she's 'there'. It's as much that she'd want to be with her family who'll talk to her and make a day of it, rather than her being the only one from your family in attendance. That would be uncomfortable for a lot of people - witness the zillion threads on here from people who won't attend weddings without a plus one. It's nice that you want her there, but you'll be busy with your wedding and not have much time for her. It's not unreasonable for her to want some known company.

This - with bells on.

Sirzy · 15/06/2025 15:39

can you give her a plus one option so she can bring someone with her for the whole day? Or invite your brother for the whole day?

Gloriia · 15/06/2025 15:40

Just invite her, accept her declining the invite and move on.

Relatives who pull stunts like this aren't worth a second thought.

Definitely don't invite a load of people you neither like nor have a relationship with just to please her.

LunchtimeNaps · 15/06/2025 15:41

Invite gran and if she won't come then so be it.

my dad had an affair and left my mum for the OW. He refused to go to my sisters wedding because OW wasn't invited. My sister didn't want OW there as my mum wouldn't feel uncomfortable. So dad didn't go to her wedding. So be it.

Rhaidimiddim · 15/06/2025 15:41

She may notbwant to be there without the social and logistical prop of a bunch of people she knows. Or she may just not want to come and be making excuses.

I would not invite people I don't want, just to get one person to come.

Extend the invitation warmly, accept her no-thanks graciously, have a lovely day, then put it all behind you. Find a way to not let this become a big thing that destroys an otherwise good relationship.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2025 15:42

Sirzy · 15/06/2025 15:39

can you give her a plus one option so she can bring someone with her for the whole day? Or invite your brother for the whole day?

This. That way she can bring someone she wants as a support to her.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 15/06/2025 15:44

If she's in her 80s and won't know anyone there except you, maybe it's just too much to ask. Your brother won't even be there till the evening by which time she might be wiped out.

Yes - this. Your expectations are totally unrealistic for someone in their eighties.

DifferentChild · 15/06/2025 15:44

Invite her with a plus one so she has someone she’s comfortable with and if she declines just accept it. You can’t make her come, she can’t make you invite people you don’t want at your wedding just send the invite and what will be will be.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/06/2025 15:44

It's your Gran's choice, she doesn't have to come
just like you don't have to invite people you don't want.

Do not give in to emotional blackmail.

AbzMoz · 15/06/2025 15:47

Your wedding, your guest list. You can control who you choose to invite. Those invited can accept or decline, for whatever their reasons.
If you wanted to you can say we have a cap on numbers and agreed x-family each with the remainder mutual friends so she’s aware of your thinking…

i agree with PP to either give her her own plus one and live with whoever she picks, or consider including her in a dress fitting/flower picking / favours making session or whatever so she has some opportunity to see how much her involvement would mean to you.

All the best!

TheDenimMember · 15/06/2025 15:50

I think you are being unfair to expect her to attend alone as your token family member. Will she even be acquainted with any other guest? . You either need to invite your brother and family for the entire day or allow her to bring a +1 who might be one of your relatives. I'm normally of the 'it's an invite not a summons' brigade but this time I think you are being unfair to an older person. She needs someone there to support her. You can't give her continual attention and company so you must let her bring someone with her. If she still declines then so be it.

cheddercherry · 15/06/2025 15:53

It sounds like having the family you don’t want invited will be worse (and they could really upset the overall mood of the day) than you being sad at not having your gran there on her own without them. So invite her but if she declines then there’s nothing more to be said. I wouldn’t let them wreck the day just to have her there to witness the chaos

1543click · 15/06/2025 15:54

Will she be even able to get there without another family member to come with her? Is she still driving?

NewBinBag · 15/06/2025 15:58

I think offering a +1 is a good compromise.

If she choses not to come then so be it.

HooverThatLounge · 15/06/2025 15:59

I would invite your gran plus one but no one else. We also had a paternal Grandparent (the only one we had) refuse to come to our wedding because we didn't invite his other sons, none of whom I had ever met, Dh saw one of them once a year and the other never due to where he lived. We had people there we wanted to be there, not the "traditional" invite every aunt, uncle cousin and their dog. Still no regrets decades later.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 15/06/2025 16:00

1543click · 15/06/2025 15:54

Will she be even able to get there without another family member to come with her? Is she still driving?

Edited

Good point. FIL just turned 80 and doesn’t drive anymore as he doesn’t feel safe. My dad is a decade younger and already hates driving at night.

Ddakji · 15/06/2025 16:02

Send her the invite but include a note saying why it would mean to much to you for her to be there.

Merryoldgoat · 15/06/2025 16:05

I had similar although it was more that I was excluding one aunt (she’s fucking awful) - I invited most other family as that’s what I wanted.

My gran said she wasn’t coming and I was upset but I said I wasn’t changing so that’s her choice.

My aunt did her usual bollocks in the lead up and my gran realised why and did indeed come but I left it to her.

If it’s more important that the wider family don’t come then you have to accept your gran won’t.

MyRootinTootinBaby · 15/06/2025 16:13

No, it’s really controlling of her. Don’t let her dictate your day.