Gran won’t come to wedding as I’m not inviting the whole family

[Erinidle]

I love my gran dearly, she’s in her 80s, I lived with her for a while in my teens and early 20s. She is incredibly headstrong and does have favourite grandchildren.

Im getting married in the summer, I have not invited my aunts/uncles/cousins. The only family I will have there from either side is my brother and his children and even that is evening only, no one from my dad’s side or even my dad either. My mum passed away when I was 13.

Mainly this is because I’m just not close to them, they aren’t really my kind of people and I’d rather have a room of people I love than random blood relations who don’t much like me and I don’t much like.

Ny grans favourites are 2 of my cousins and my brother. She didn’t attend 2 of my other cousins weddings as these people weren’t invited. She refuses to hear my opinion on why I won’t invite them.

Now with no family there, I would like my gran there, we are close and she is generally supportive. My DP thinks we should just invite my family for the sake of peace. I think this would be awful, some of them are fine and we just aren’t close but others are troubled and I can’t bring myself to have them in my life.

AIBU to be hurt that my gran won’t attend for me? And AIBU to not invite the wider family?

Don't let her dictate who you invite.
Do give her a plus one to invite whoever she wants though.

This poster makes a very good point. It won’t be a very enjoyable day for your elderly gran when she doesn’t know anyone there. Also shes 80 she might want some assistance.
i think I’d leave her be.

Be careful OP.
When I look back at our wedding photographs, I'd say I'm only in contact with 20 per cent of the attendees now. I don't even know where half of our friends from that time, are now.
It's the family relationships that have endured.

Don't invite people just to please her. Imagine how you'd feel if the day came and she didn't turn up because she was poorly - but all those other 'unwanted' people DID!

Will she know ANYONE there except you and your groom? If not, I can see why she’s reluctant. I do think it odd that you’re inviting no family at all, OP.

We are having a very small wedding. I have deep issues with my family, I’m not worried about whether my friendships will endure or not as at least I will be able to say I was close to them at the time.
My family aren’t close, they are deeply toxic and filled with lies. I’m not close to them now and I really never have been (even when I lived with my gran I probably spoke to each of them about once every 6 months and it was great reluctance). Many of them are drug users, ex-cons etc.
Also my uncles and cousins actively dislike me, I’ve been called pretentious for getting a degree/moving to London. The few who don’t hold these opinions aren’t very close to my gran and I probably haven’t seen them since my mothers funeral.

I think I will ask if she would be more likely to come if I invite my brother to the full day and if she says yes do that but honestly I know that won’t be good enough. She won’t come unless I invite one specific uncle (who has been in prison for DV) and his children who are both drug users that rinse my gran for money at every opportunity.

I would at least invite some family members she knows. At her age, she’ll probably be wiped out by the evening.

This
You can't change people
And don't bother tieing yourself up in knots trying to ,the only person you will hurt is yourself
Have a lovely wedding

She will know others there, she is very close to the family of my childhood best friend (they basically raised me through my teens) and they are all coming, they are also in the same village as her and have offered to drive her.

AIBU to be hurt that my gran won’t attend for me? And AIBU to not invite the wider family?

Well, YANBU to be hurt but YABU to be surprised given she has form for doing this already.

From your description of your family, I don't blame you for not wanting them there. You don't want them getting nicked for supply or trying to pick a fight with a 'Keep Left' sign at your wedding reception.

Equally, I wouldn't want to go to a wedding and reception where I didn't know anyone other than the bride and groom. And I'm in my 40s. I don't imagine it gets better by the time you're in your 80s.

I think inviting your brother for the full day and letting granny know is a good compromise. Doesn't sound like it'll be enough for her but at least you're showing willing.

Is this your maternal or paternal grandmother, @Erinidle ? If she's your dad's mum, I can also see why she might feel conflicted when your dad isn't invited.

I'd talk to your brother if you are close enough to him to see if he'd be willing to look after your grandmother for the whole day provided that won't piss him off. If he's your gran's plus one for the whole day then what will you do about his kids and does he have a partner? It feels like its all getting messy to me. If I wasn't just going to say "well don't come then"...and Id be STRONGLY tempted....I'd say to her, not just through an inviatation, that if she feels she wants someone she knows with her then you will be happy to add a plus one to her invitation but that would be FOR HER. Then its up to her what she chooses.

That does make a difference. In that case no need for the +1. I think it is up to her if she comes.

Maternal, which I think is why it hurts. When I got engaged she told me she would be there as my mum would want that and now she’s changed her tune.
Tbh I’m half surprised and half expected. The other cousins weddings she missed were cousins she was never really close to anyway. I think part of me hoped that since I lived with her and we had a strong bond separate from the rest of the family she would be more willing to come.

It sounds like your Gran is being pulled in quite a few directions (by her other family members) and the easiest decision for her without putting herself in the firing line for personal backlash from them, is simply not to come.

As disappointing her decision is, I would accept it and focus on enjoying your day with the people you want to be there (and who actually want to come).

She has a different view of weddings from you and you need to respect her decision. Your view is becoming more common, with the result that Mumsnet is filled with threads about the upset caused by brides and grooms not honouring age-old customs. So, invite whomever you want - it’s your prerogative - but understand that it’s her prerogative to turn down the invitation. If you want her there, invite your family, as is traditional.

You're not unreasonable to be hurt, and you're not unreasonable at all not to invite the wider family. I'd offer to invite your brother for the full day and that's it. If she chooses not to come, it's her loss.

Not even inviting your sibling is a big deal. I’m not surprised your grandmother is declining in solidarity.

you get to make your guest list, but you have to respect people’s decisions to attend or decline.

I totally agree with this and was about to post similar. Even if the wedding is tiny, why is your brother only coming to the evening do?

Invite the lot of them. Ones that don’t like you won’t come. Axe the evening invite. Generally considered offensive.