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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To redo my wedding?

36 replies

Camomilecrumpet · 15/06/2025 13:02

DH and I absolutely hated our wedding day, and I also really hated the photos.

We had wanted to elope but DH let slip to his family and we ended up being pressured into a small wedding. We liked the registry office ceremony but desperately wanted to be alone after that. I was trying not to cry most of the evening and burst into tears as soon as we got home and both of us have struggled to shake off our unhappiness since.

It was hosted at my DM’s house so I feel guilty for not being more grateful for the work she and her friends put in, but it wasn’t work I asked them to do and I had been clear with them that it wasn’t necessary. It was hugely over the top and I was bossed about for the week leading up to it and the whole day and I felt embarassed by the result. DM also made an embarrassing speech which caused awkward silence for a while afterwards and which I found a bit cruel.

We only had one friend as we were keeping numbers down and there was an obligation to invite family first. We regret that but I’m also glad only one friend witnessed it because that was embarrassing enough.

On top of that, I had panicked at the thought of people taking pictures and decided at the last minute to get my hair done professionally. It looked terrible and I should have worn my natural curls. DH said I looked lovely but also said he would have preferred my natural hair. I hate almost all of the photographs and a lot are with family I’m not at all close to anyway.

We are now planning a redo, like a vow renewal but only a few weeks after the wedding. Is this completely unreasonable? Even if we don’t do a full vow renewal, it will involve rehiring DH’s suit, dry cleaning my dress, making another bouquet, hiring a photographer, taking a day off work and getting all done up again, and it still won’t be our real wedding or erase the day we had. We are busy and trying to save money and I know this is stupid but I am so upset and I feel like I want a memory to replace this with. I also want some photos I’m not embarassed to show people and that I can look back on with fondness. Should I just grow up and move on?

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 15/06/2025 13:07

I’m sorry you feel how you do but I think your reaction based on what you’ve said is really quite excessive. I wonder if some counselling would be more worthy of your time and money at this point? And then perhaps pay a professional photographer to take photos on your first anniversary to give you some nice photos to display?

OtterlyMad · 15/06/2025 13:08

I don’t think it’s unreasonable, just a bit… odd? Especially so close after your real wedding day, and when you’re trying to save money. It also might offend the family that you’ve bent over backwards to appease. Why not do it on your anniversary next year?

Ihopeoneday · 15/06/2025 13:08

It's not unreasonable to want it. I would do it. It's important to you. For reasons that I don't understand, but that doesn't matter.

Doseofreality · 15/06/2025 13:13

People can have the most picture picture idyllic textbook wedding day and get divorced after. It’s one day of a lifetime of memories in a happy marriage and it’s the marriage, not the day, that counts.

RareGoalsVerge · 15/06/2025 13:16

So sorry that happened, but the great thing is that you are now actually married.

If you want to dress up again and get photos done with just you and DH and the photographer and no one else, that's absolutely fine.

If you want to send out a message to a few genuine friends who you wanted to be there and who couldn't be included in your MIL's takeover to ask them to be part of it, that's also fine.

A larger scale thing, especially if it involves the people who were invited for version1 (except the 1 friend, who I think would understand) that wouldn't be.

Its fine to do things you will enjoy and value and treasure the memories of, and fine to invite the people you love to share that with you. They may or bay not accept but sending the message that you wanted to include them is a worthwhile act. It doesn't have to be a traditional way of doing things to be valid.

showyourquality · 15/06/2025 13:20

You have had your wedding day for better or worse. Are you going on honeymoon, maybe take your dress and suit and get some pictures taken in them wherever you go?
Or save money and if it still seems important in a few years have a vow renewal.
Or host a reception party for your friends and wear your wedding clothes to that.

DDivaStar · 15/06/2025 13:21

I think people who already attended your wedding will think it odd. You have a very ott reaction to having a few more people there than you would have preferred.

Could you arrange a photo shoot in your wedding clothes either at the venue or another special place.

BlueSkiesInJuly · 15/06/2025 13:22

I have friends who lived abroad and had 3 weddings for different people in different countries so it does happen. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to do something with friends. You could just redo wedding photos but then I can see how if you are going to all the effort then you might want to make an event of it.

theyoungishman · 15/06/2025 13:22

Why don't you use the money you would have spent on this for a nice holiday/honeymoon and get some nice photos from that to display?
Sounds like a pretty crappy wedding, but the most important thing is that you're married now. I didn't love my wedding, never got any photos printed, there were many ways I would have changed it if I had my time again... But to actually go ahead and have another wedding because of this would be pretty dramatic!

saltinesandcoffeecups · 15/06/2025 13:27

If it’s what you want to do then go for it. 😁

That being said the timing is a bit close so I agree with a previous poster that it could seem a bit odd.

Can I make a suggestion? I’ve met 2 couples while on vacation who celebrate all their 5th anniversarys by doing something special. The first couple redo their honeymoon (laid back sailing trip) and the second couple has a vow renewal at the resort they were married at.

It’s funny the first couple who does the sailing trip I almost feel part of their celebration since I’ve now spent two off their anniversary’s with them! (My DH and I go on the trip every year… hmm speaking of which I think it’s getting close to their anniversary… I should probably start packing a card for them)

SheridansPortSalut · 15/06/2025 13:28

I don't think that redoing the day will fix the problem. I suspect that you would spend a lot of money and cry that day too because it wasn't the first day.
Your extreme reaction is unusual. You sound traumatised. I think you need to let he dust settle on it and move on with life. If you feel the same way in a years time you could do a renewal for your first anniversary.

Snorlaxo · 15/06/2025 13:28

Have a wedding photoshoot with your husband and possibly do a reception so that you can invite exactly who you want (assuming that there are people that you would have invited but didn’t)

The day you had happened and if I were in your shoes, I’d use it as a learning experience not to let others like MIL walk all over you. I might be wrong here but if you’re naturally anxious and self conscious then you could be letting yourself in for more regret by doing it again as little things like hair could ruin the day.

Another possibility is to organise a party for your first wedding anniversary so you have one celebration date and not two.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/06/2025 13:30

Surely the point of the wedding was to get married ? - and yes you are married now !

NominatedNameOfTheDay · 15/06/2025 13:31

get some wedding portraits done in your gear and if you feel weird about it just tell the photographer you wanted to do it separately to the main day so you could concentrate on enjoying yourself.

Then go for a nice lunch / walk / trip with your husband somewhere meaningful to you and make vows just to each other.

Sorry you didn’t enjoy your day!

BethDuttonYeHaw · 15/06/2025 13:31

Do whatever makes you happy.

ClaudineMallory · 15/06/2025 13:33

Don't. The point of the day is the marriage, not the photos or the party. Put it behind you and focus on the future.
Plus, going forward, try to be more assertive about what you want from life

GinnyandGeorgia · 15/06/2025 13:35

"Redo" the wedding is weird.

Throwing a massive party to celebrate, with people you want to invite, no-one else could work better.

Book a proper photoshoot first, and focus on that - right hairstyle, right make-up, photos you will like and be proud of.
Nothing worst than actual photoshoot on the actual wedding day, everybody is bored solid, you waste hour(s) of the wedding to pose, it's usually cringey. Make the photos a few solid few hours for a proper session.

Then decide if you want to throw your wedding celebration party now, or throw a big party to celebrate your wedding anniversary next year?

FlatErica · 15/06/2025 13:44

Something very similar happened to us, OP. We wanted a small witnesses-only signing of documents in the registry office and his mother (who had left the family when he was 11) turned on the waterworks and pressurised him into a big family do. Three of my friends were there, about four of his friends, and everybody else was his family (I have no family, which is one of the reasons we wanted to keep it small: it was about 60 people).

His mum got up and made a speech about how much she loved her son, even though we said there would be no speeches and she didn’t mention me once, not even “Congratulations to Fred and Erica.” I left the reception after about two hours.

Sorry about that momentary hijacking! I still find the whole thing so depressing and embarrassing to think about (and my partner feels similarly). We haven’t been celebrating our wedding anniversaries at all.

Sounds to me like you need to make new memories to replace the shit ones. Redo the wedding the way you wanted it and if after that you still find you’re unhappy about what originally happened, then yes, go and get therapy. But for now, I love the idea of you doing something just for yourselves. I probably wouldn’t invite loads of people though. You could add on a new little something just for you, too. It’s definitely worth a try! I hope you have a lovely day if you go ahead with it.

JoyeuxNarwhal · 15/06/2025 13:51

You'd be better to spend the money on therapy, working on stopping being such a people pleaser that you ended up going along with something you didn't want and becoming able to stick up for what you do want.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 15/06/2025 14:03

I think a new photoshoot - with or without the wedding gear - would be a really great start.

And also I second the suggestion of learning to say that doesn't work for us/me.

GreyCarpet · 15/06/2025 14:03

Why didn't you both tell your husband's mum at the time that it wasn't the wedding you wanted?

I mean, if there's one day in your lifetime when it's all and only about the two of you, surely it's your wedding day!

Doorsways · 15/06/2025 14:06

Its hard to imagine being rail roaded into so much.
Do whatever makes you happy, but keep your business to yourselves.

Consider counselling too as you sound quite traumatised by the whole thing.

Hope you feel better soon.

I didn't enjoy my wedding day but I just put it out of my mind.
I certainly encourage anyone who wishes to elope, to just do it.

Lottapianos · 15/06/2025 14:17

'You have a very ott reaction to having a few more people there than you would have preferred.'

This is not just about a few extra people! The whole event got hijacked and there was an embarrassing speech which the OP described as cruel. The whole thing sounds horrible

OP, it sounds like you had very good reasons for wanting to elope just the two of you. It's very sad and frustrating that your wedding turned out to be something you hated. I can totally understand how you feel. I do agree with others that this seems to be about something much bigger than the wedding, it's about your relationship with both your families. That's something to think about - how involved are they in your lives, and would you like that to change from now on?

I think a wedding photo shoot where you have control, and a small reception/ party with your friends sounds lovely. If you would find that healing, I think you should do it

Notchangingnameagain · 15/06/2025 14:30

@Camomilecrumpet What was the issue with the speech?

greencartbluecart · 15/06/2025 14:35

You got married
people love you enough to want to share that moment

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