How do I reconcile with the fact I've wasted my youth?

[ThatChirpyBird]

First-time poster looking for a little advice so please be kind.

I turn 27 next week and I'm gobsmacked at how garbage my life is. I've got a plethora of diagnoses and otherwise rotted in bed from about the age of 13 up till now. I'm really, really struggling. I've cried myself to sleep for the past year at how much life I've wasted. I've watched it pass me by.

I've promised myself I need to start looking to the future. Start from scratch. My employment history is sketchy, I got my first job at 24. Before that, I was a compulsive gambler. I guess I convinced myself that I could make a career out of it, having crippling social anxiety and otherwise non-existent self esteem.

But anyway, now I am in the here and now. I'm going to start making steps to improve my life. I know I can't change it overnight. Going to decide on a career path, get a routine, start gym.

But my god it makes me so, so sad when I think of the time I've wasted. I just don't understand my thought process. What have I been thinking all along? I know I've had a difficult past 10-15 years, the stories I could tell. I have crippling OCD too. But I'm making amends with myself now. But I think of the experiences I've missed out on, what I should have been doing, feel like a loser because I haven't been partying. I'm 27 and have nothing to show for it. I could reconcile with the fact if I had money and a good job to show for it. Or I'd been having awesome experiences. But I've done sweet F all.

I don't want to sound narcissistic but I'm relatively good looking too, but I've allowed myself to become overweight. The years of my best looks are behind me. It hurts knowing my best looks are behind me. I don't know whether I compare myself too much, but if I had put myself out there I might've achieved something. I'm reasonably intelligent too but have wasted it. I've wasted everything. :(

Please be kind. I've got autism if that's relevant.

Life isn't a race.
Perhaps you are where you are meant to be right now? You have a different perspective on the way you see things and the direction you want to go in.
That doesn't mean everything that came before was a waste.

I get this, but it's so hard when I feel so, so unfathomably far behind my peers. How am I going to explain my poor employment history to future employers? I've got no experiences to talk about to colleagues. I feel like a dead weight.

In 10 years time you will look back and realise how young you still were at 27.

People wildly overestimate what they can do in 1 year, but wildly underestimate what they can do in 10.

It doesn't matter when you decide to take action, whenever you start is better than starting a few years later than whatever day it is today.

Leave the past behind and don't use lack of action then as an excuse for lack of action now or in the future.

Just keep taking one step at a time forward and one day, you'll realise how much you changed your life by trying.

Nobody can guarantee you success, but things can still be better as long as that is what you are working towards.

The only way to fail is never to start trying, or to give up.

If it helps you, I am autistic too.

Edited to add:
I imagined the life I wanted to have.
Then I worked backward to see what I would have to do to get to that life.
Then I did it.
That is how I would start.

This is my understanding right now. I'm going to take baby steps, I'm going to develop a plan of where I want to be by 30. This is my way forward. It just makes me feel physically nauseous how much time I've wasted. Like, it makes me want to scream. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself and that's where I'm struggling. I have such blach-and-white thinking where I've been like, there's no point in starting now, it's too late, etc. But I'm moving forward now, just makes me feel physically sick to reflect back.

I can do as much work on myself but this deep-rooted hatred and anger at myself, I don't think I'll ever be able to come to terms wirh it.

Thank you. X

In some countries (cough, Germany) 27 is when people graduate. This is not being glib, in this day and age people don't expect you to have all of the answers at your age. What will last your whole life and see you through every day at work and at home is grit. To have made the changes you've made takes willpower and resilience, and it means you understand people are fallible and capable of change.

Take that and go and build something awesome with it. Bring down international gambling, do something in social care, mentor kids or be a maths teacher with an understanding of probability. Whatever calls to you, build on where you've come from but don't waste your time now on regret. We're forged in the fire.

You’re young, you’ve got plenty of time to sort this out.
Don’t waste time regretting what you can’t change. Put your energies into planning for the future. Your best years are not behind you, they’re yet to come.
What training and qualifications have you got to start building on? What are your interests? Are you particularly knowledgeable about a given topic?
I’d say work out what it is you’d like to do career wise, then plan how you can get there, in small steps. If you want to make up for lost time, you’ll have to work hard, but that’s ok. You might need to do an access course to be able to progress, maybe look at somewhere like Birkbeck for ideas of what’s available. Or your local college would be a good place to start, or look at apprenticeships.
Dont worry about other people, they don’t care what you’ve done previously, in most places I’ve worked the general chat is very basic, who watched what on Netflix etc.
it might be worth getting some sort of counselling to help you work out the way forward and how to channel your energies.

Have you thought about making contact with national autistic society to see what support you can access in yr local area?
Meaningful change does not usually come from self chastisement.
There is a huge amount of research that shows how difficult life is for neurodivergent people for a number of reasons. It could be really helpful to explore if this has been the case for you and any strategies for managing this, including practical support in relation to confidence building, employment etc.

I'm nearly 58 love. Honestly, you really have the rest of your life in front of you. You can do ANYTHING!! I'm just hoping I might have another 10, 20 or if I'm really lucky 30 years left. Stop looking back and beating yourself up, it won't do you any good. Look forward. Have a plan. It doesn't matter if it's detailed or vague but just have an idea of what you want to achieve and how you might do it. The past is the past so leave it behind.

It ain’t over until the fat lady sings - 20s are a tough decade for many

So many people ‘waste’ those years of late teens and early 20s, whether from being in an abusive relationship, struggling with social anxiety or other mental health issues, bad drug experiences or addictions, bad relationships with family, messing up education, dealing with an STD or any one of a thousand other things. Many of which people don’t talk about. You’re young enough to get on track and ‘catch up’, just don’t waste more years on regret now. Look forwards more than you look back. When you get to where you’re going everything you’ve experienced so far will have been part of the journey and you’ll find that even bad experiences can lead to growth and connections.

Don’t self sabotage with this kind of thinking. Just keep moving forward. Self awareness is a great thing but don’t wallow around in thoughts of despair about the past. Best of luck!

Thank you all for your kind words. But can I ask, what if I'm incapable of having a full-time job? Getting a relationship? Having kids? All those 'normal' things. I worry I'm not set up for it. But I want to. I'm going to do my utmost best, but I know from previous jobs alone I've struggled to hold them down. It's so painful. I wish I was just 'normal'. I wish I could do all these things effortlessly. I get people all have their individual struggles, but I'm seriously concerned I can't do these things. I can never imagine having my life fully together other than just about coping in a job. Or maybe I'm thinking too far ahead? Maybe I just need to let it be and just try my best. I think I'm thinking so far ahead because I desperately need to catch up.

You have had problems. If you could have done better, you would have. But you’ve had problems many other people never face. You have to make peace with that, and reflect on the fact that you could have had worse problems. Also, while I totally understand about lost time, you are actually very very young. You still have many youthful years ahead of you.

Do not assume your best looking years are behind you. Personally I looked better from about 28 onwards and on threads about looks I have noticed most people feel their best looking time was late twenties and early to mid thirties. So dispense with all that please!

The thing to remember is that you are who you are and within that are some of the reasons you have struggled so far, along with many of your strengths too. So you need to stop being hard on yourself. You need to now be positive as you are still so young, and the danger is the future not the past. You need as much insight and support as possible so you can move forward successfully, facing your struggles and having a realistic view of how you can succeed alongside them. No denial. No unrealistic goals. The same challenges that have held you back this far can’t be wished away, as I am sure you know anyway. A real plan is needed, but you can absolutely take it one step at a time. First step should be accepting yourself and being kind to yourself.

Maybe you could set some early goals around health, such as trying to walk every day. I also wonder if a temporary volunteer placement somewhere is an option. Even if it’s just once a week volunteering somewhere, with an end in sight, it will give you some consistent activity to point to and build your confidence.

What people really respond to is the present. No one really cares about what you have or haven’t done, what employers and others want to see is positivity in the present time.

What you will look back and regret is thinking you were old at 27. Everything is still to play for.

You’ve said you’re autistic and have had some other challenges such as OCD.

Your life will have had more challenges than others. It’s not a level playing field. You can’t compare where you are now to other people it’s just not fair on yourself.

Give yourself a break ❤️

I think one helpful thing can be to let go of ideas of how things ‘should’ be done. It’s really easy, for me at least, to fixate on the ‘normal’ or ‘ideal’ way things should be done, and hold myself back with unrealistic and unachievable expectations.

For years I wondered how I could be a parent looking at some of the parents around me who had no health struggles and did so much. I couldn’t do what they did. But actually many people can’t, and we muddle through with our own version of parenting. As long as love and commitment to your child is there, you can find a way. As for relationships it is kind of the same, letting go of preconceived ideas…your partner may also have their own ways and may need you to accept those. A full time job in a traditional sense may not be right for you, but you can gradually find out about that and what works.

Already I can see so much insight that you have. You can do this, you will be ok. Just accept that you may need to do things a bit differently to some others, and adapt around your differences. I wish I had known at your age that that’s ok.

Catching up isn’t really a thing. There is no particular place you need to be by now, just focus on going forward. Thinking too far ahead is usually not helpful because it can actually stop you achieving things. I have noticed that people who achieve a lot usually are quite focused on the next step rather than the end goal. They may have an end goal, but they are good at breaking it down into realistic small steps, and responding and adapting to the present immediate challenges. Hope that makes sense. Of course if I work out how to do any of that, I’ll let you know 😂

So sorry for triple post but I have just realised, you haven’t even turned 27 yet. You are so so young. In my eyes you’ve barely left school honestly.

If it helps..

I worked with a lady who had issues until age 28. Her first job was aged 28.

When I worked with her, she was 47 and deputy CEO. Not too shabby!

I agree with one step at a time. Also once you get into the working world, you might be surprised what opportunities come your way. Honestly, half of my career is built on luck! It annoys me when people say there's no such thing as luck. There totally is.

and I wish you the very best of luck. You can do this.

When you get to 40, it won't matter at all.

I took a different route to a chap 2 years my senior - he went to Uni and did the exact course I was going to do (but I deferred and never went, I did a series of oddball jobs instead), he had a slightly more technical role, I'd got there - where he was at 40 at just 38 to same grade via sales and sales management - but because I went that route, my role paid big bonuses, his didn't.

What you do need to do is make a plan. Small steps. I got into sales because I discovered I could do it in another role - but the firm I worked for needed me on the ground earning money and looking after the customers, not 100% gaining new business - so I left for a 100% sales role, which I totally & confidently blagged I could do it at the interview - and amazingly they gave me the job. From there I moved sidewards in that company, and then got headhunted to another company, and then that company's biggest competitor (part of a v big company) headhunted me and I could see a bigger company = bigger prospects for me, and then over a 5 year period I got 3 promotions working for the big company.

And don't worry what you look like. 'Be kind, be interested and be interesting' as my grandma said, has always been good advice for me.

You are SO young! Please do not worry as you still have your whole life ahead of you!

I middled around until I was 27, the same age as you, then just seemed to get it together. I travelled the world for a year, came back, went to university, worked in TV for three years in London before settling in my home city and making a career in media while marrying and having children.

I’m now at the other end of the arc and couldn’t be happier.

You’re at the beginning - GO FOR IT!!

Welcome to Mumsnet, a place where the world literally opens up, and the wealth of other women's shared experiences, hardships, questions, wisdom, humour, insecurities, dreams and kindness really do enrich and educate its users, even if it is from the comfort and anonymity of your own bedroom. Use this amazing space to learn from others and about yourself.

You sound like my DC, and I send you so much courage and hope that you are able to trust in the long game of your unfolding. Please do not give yourself a hard time about where you are now; you've clearly needed this time to get here. Autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder, you have been dealt a challenging hand and, I am sure, have showed up in your own life to the extent to which you had capacity at the time.

Don't write off your teens as bedrotting. You most likely needed time to soothe an over-stimulated nervous system, especially with a serious condition such as OCD. With social anxiety and a gambling addiction, I imagine life has been hard for you. My DC, although younger, is also very good-looking and I believe that this has often led to people making assumptions about and overestimating her capacity and abilities, which, apart from being shockingly ablist, has been really stressful for her -might this be the same for you on some level?
Now is the time for baby steps, and not running before you can walk. Plan next steps with your challenges and differences in mind so that you give yourself the best chance of being able to realise each step of your plan.

Wishing you so much goodness to come, and a gentle acceptance of the time spent to get you to where you are now, not a moment actually wasted.

Hi, have you thought about volunteering as a school governor to gain some skills as well as making a difference. Schools badly need neurodivergence represented at board level.

For many people, the pathway to “success” (whatever that looks like) is not always linear. We don’t all have an amazing youth, and our lives following a neat path from 18-30. You have lots and lots of important life experience. How can you use it? Write a book? Write fiction based on your experience.?

If a frog had wings he wouldn’t bump his ass a-hoppin. This is a stupid saying that illustrates the single biggest lesson I have learned to date; don’t even start the post mortem. And since I won’t know if it’s going to be a fuck up until I try and tbh I kind of always expect a fuck up, I might as well just try.

In actual fact, normal is a myth. You sound interesting and I get a strong feeling you’re a bit of a force. Why worry about catching up? There are so many external forces at play you can’t really control your ETA. You’ll get there when you do, there is no time limit. It’s just - how do we help ourselves stay out of our own way?

I think we can all safely say you haven’t lost your looks. Do you see the physical situation as reversible? Bigger isn’t necessarily less attractive, but be assured your shine will all come back once you feel more fulfilled inside. Also many women look better in their thirties.

Many positives - you didn’t waste your twenties on doing things that are going to limit you now. By not doing a lot, in some ways, you’re a tabula rasa. I find it interesting. Is there a book in it?

Anyway, just start small and don’t think of it as a pursuit of others, but a nice trip with yourself. FWIW I would love to be 27 again. I don’t want to be condescending, you’re not a child and you have had some tough challenges, and continue so to do, but I hope it will make you smile - the best proof of how young you actually are is that ten years sounds like a long time to you. I have been saying ‘I’m going to paint the bedroom ceiling this weekend’ for conservatively six years. I am definitely going to paint it next weekend though 😜 I guess it’s all about percentages of time spent alive. To a ninety year old you’re little more than a foetus.

If you haven’t already read it, ‘Everyone I Know is Dying,’ by Emily Slapper, might be of interest. It’s not about death, it’s about trying to live, it not being that easy and how to get started when you stall.

I wish you well. X

Aw OP you’re still so young and have had/have significant challenges. Please don’t be so hard on yourself or compare yourself to others. Be kind to yourself. Focus on small changes rather than to overhaul every single thing about your life.

Autism is a massive factor here, OP. The constant process of masking and adjusting can be mentally exhausting and makes you feel at a permanent disadvantage while you find your feet in life.

27 is no age, you have plenty of time to discover who you are, and you will. Friendships make all the difference so if you can find something that gets you interacting with other people, start there.