Grandparenting question

[MagnifyingLass]

I am a fairly newish grandparent. Well, she's almost 1yr old but at my age that's a pretty recent development.

I read on here so often about grandparents providing childcare while the parents work. Some profess they love to do it. Others say they find it hard going.
Some say it's easier than they expected and others find it a lot harder.
But they keep on doing it because they promised and feel obliged.

My issue is with some working parents' assumption and assertion that if you don't choose to provide an actual rota of childcare for your grandchildren and look after them whilst their parents work, then there is no chance of having any close loving relationship with them. No committed childcare then you're pretty much an uninvolved grandparent and you'll have no close relationship to speak of.

If you say on here that you don't want to do 'childcare' for your grandchildren, then it's mooted that you are cutting off and cutting out any sort of relationship at all. You are pretty worthless really, in terms of a loving relationship. You don't love them enough to take the reins while Mum and Dad go to work.

'Don't want to look after my kids?, I won't look after you when you're old'
seems to be the occasional response.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that doing regular 'childcare' is not an indicator of a close relationship with your grandchild/parent. My daughter works and my gc goes to nursery. I have never looked after my gc while my daughter worked. It was never discussed. It was never an expectation.

I do see my grandchild almost every other day. I take her out for walks, I feed her sometimes, change her nappy often. Read with her, try to make her chuckle.
She knows me as part of her close family. She's comfortable enough to fall asleep in my arms. And all of this time her parents can be free roaming:)

But according to some posts, from some posters, the fact that I absolutely cannot commit to a regular rota of childcare means that I can't possibly have
a close and cuddlesome relationship with my granddaughter.

I can, and I do. She's always delighted to see me, which is often. Her Mum and Dad get to go out for a couple of hours in the evening (Occasionally if the wind is blowing in the right direction)

My dd insisted that she would not call on us for childcare while she worked.
I think that was a good decision. Any time we spend with our delightful gd is by our own choice.

What really triggered my post is the loads of parents who say that if grandparents are not keen on doing regular childcare then it means that the grandparents don't want a close relationship with their grandchildren.

That's so not true. How many times do you read on here about advice a granny has given. With the really uninspired response from some posters.

Ignore her. She's had her turn. Now it's yours.
Well now it is your turn. and she has had her turn. And most likely she did it unaided. And now it's your turn so suck it up like she had to.

I think YABU because I’d say it’s quite obvious that if you see your grandchild every other day then you don’t fall into the category of people who don’t care or want a relationship with their grandchild.

I’ve literally never heard (or read here) of regular formal childcare being necessary to a close relationship. It’s obviously bollocks.

My parents never provided childcare because they were still at work themselves. Mine are 12, 10 and 6 and my mum still works full time. They have a lovely relationship regardless.

Really? I am surprised you get that impression on here, I find the opposite. Most people seem to recommend paying for childcare.

My MIL does regular childcare while we work and she has a very close relationship with my children and knows them inside out.

My own mother never wanted to (totally her prerogative) but has nowhere near as close a relationship. If she made an effort in other ways she would though, but she doesn't even though she lived closer.

Sounds like you and your daughter are both happy with the arrangement so no need to worry about other people's arrangements/opinions.

I totally understand where you are coming from. My brother and SIL made my mam believe that if she didn't have their kids for regular childcare then she would never have a close relationship with them and it must mean she doesn't want a relationship. She had them 3 days a week as well as working FT and have sleepovers every other weekend. Then my kids came along and I have zero expectation on them for childcare and use nursery's or take them with me. My mam says she honestly has a better relationship with my DC because its not childcare! She enjoys the time more and feels like a true nana rather than a nanny. She can spoil mine for the few hours they spend together, but she has to stick to SIL rules and routines for the childcare.

The relationship you have with your grandchild is different to the one you read about. You are not the grandparent who doesn’t offer childcare and doesn’t care in general, as you’re seeing your grandchild every other day

I have one of those grandparents you talk about. They see her 2-3 times per year as we live far apart. Yet they are retired, fit and healthy. They travel frequently (multiple times a year, finance no object) but choose not to travel to see their grandchild. That’s not the main issue though. The main issues are that they tell anyone who listens, that their grandchildren are the most important thing in the world to them, they want to always be there for them, look after them and do anything for them (as well as their children) - except actually be there, see them and look after them. They then wonder why when they visit, the grandchild doesn’t care much for them? The grandchild cares more for their school friends or neighbours if in the same presence as the grandparents. Well you’re not in that child’s life, it’s really rather simple - you receive what you put in. And that is why you’re argument is flawed, the grandparent you are describing is not you

the grandparent you are describing is not you

No. Of course not. My issue is only that some mothers of young children
claim that not providing childcare for your grandchildren is somehow neglectful and careless. And if you don't provide childcare then you are undeserving of a relationship with them. Or that your relationship lacks value because it doesn't serve the parents' requirements.

I am so lucky. My daughter expects no childcare from us but we text to ask if we can pop in (she works part time) and we can just drop by and entertain baby for an hour or two while she 'gets on with stuff'

Baby is comfortable with us because she sees us so often, her granny and granddad. We can take her out and give Mum a break. We are her familiar carers.

My OP was meant to establish that just because grandparents don't want to commit to regular childcare does not make it impossible for them to have a close and loving relationship with their grandchildren. I'm besotted with mine. I just don't look after them when my daughter goes out to work.

You do get posts from people who don't understand the difference between being a good grandparent and being at the beck and call of the parents to look after the children at their convenience. I think its a minority attitude though. Most parents are not entitled and exploiting their own parents. Just as most grandparents are not swanning off selfishly ignoring the grandchildren and demanding care in their old age. They're just stereotypes based on extremes of experience.

I’ve literally never heard (or read here) of regular formal childcare being necessary to a close relationship. It’s obviously bollocks

Maybe it's reading between the lines. It's often implied.

It is bollocks, I agree, but there are some posters who feel that if grandparents don't want to provide childcare then they are lacking as grandparents.
And that their relationship with their grandchildren is then rendered substandard.

It's all there in loads of threads. You'll only notice it if you're looking for it.

You do get posts from people who don't understand the difference between being a good grandparent and being at the beck and call of the parents to look after the children at their convenience

That's an extreme, but yes. There's a lot of grandparents who are doing stuff they don't really want to though. Real Mon/Thurs/Fri morning commitments, which they could well do without. I'm 71 and I looked after all my children with no assistance, not even from their father as he worked away all week.

I suppose if I was a 50 year old grandmother I might have a different view.

Most gps who don't do regular childcare don't see the gc every other day. Like any relationships in order for one to foster you need to spend time with that other person.

My parents did 1 day & so did my in-laws. The dc still spend a lot of time with them now they are older. But my gps helped my parents as did DHs gps.

My mum does pick up once a week for me so that she can definitely see him regularly - but he's at his dad's at least every other weekend so it would be hard to get time together regularly otherwise, certainly not because I wouldn't still try and facilitate a good bond between them!

I don't think many people would think you have to be on a rota to have a relationship with anyone. Extremes don't help us to see the average picture. There may be a minority of parents who demand childcare on a rota and a minority of grandparents who never want to do anything with their grandchildren unless it's on a spontaneous whim but neither of these approaches are typical or normal or what most people do.

I think if people are selfish and manipulative then they would use the kind of leverage you describe op. But most reasonable parents want their child to have a ‘village’ and to be loved by grandparents however sporadically they see them.

Your post dredged up a memory of my own DM wringing her hands and apologising profusely that they weren’t up to regular childcare and I didn’t give it much thought at the time. It just allowed me to know my options which is all I was concerned about. That was 20 years ago and even though they’re young adults and she’s housebound, they still see her regularly and are close with her. The provision of childcare, like in your case, wasn’t the deal breaker.

You have taken the example to an extreme, from both sides.

Firstly as other posters have said, you see your GC every other day, you clearly are not the type of grandparent described.

Equally, I am sure there really aren't many parents who take the example to the extreme of if you refused structured childcare that means you hate your GC.

The truth is almost certainly somewhere in the middle.

I suspect that most parents like my wife and I have very busy lives, we have multiple children and multiple pets. We have swimming, gymnastics, dance and other baby activities. We both work full or close to full time. We have 3 sets of grandparents to factor in along with having some vague semblance of a social life ourselves.

If the grandparents choose not to have the kids that's fine, it never occurs to me that they don't care about them or don't love them but it does mean that their opportunities to see the kids is limited due to other responsibilities and plans. So yes they will have a more distant relationship but only because they physically wont see them as much.

there are some posters who feel that if grandparents don't want to provide childcare then they are lacking as grandparents.

I don’t believe I’ve ever seen that opinion expressed but do remember that this is a sight with hundreds of thousands of members, not all posts will be sensible.

One set of my DC’s grandparents did regular child care for us and the other set did not. The children are very close to both sets.

My DIL's mother does 2 days a week childcare. I was never asked, even though we all live within 15 minutes of each other. I've come to terms with it now, but have been quite upset about it. The parents work full time and their weekends are precious. They come round every 2 or 3 weeks for a couple of hours with my granddaughter. She's a delight. I know I'll never have that close relationship that she has with the other grandma.

Another one who hasn’t seen this suggested on any posts let alone regularly suggested. As other posters have said regular contact helps to build a good relationship whether that’s through childcare or informal visits.

However, in the same way parents shouldn’t expect childcare, grandparents shouldn’t expect for parents to facilitate contact by always visiting them.

It’s nonsense. My parents watched my DC three days a week until school age, my in-laws were (and are) still working so there was no regular childcare but they would take them out the odd time to the park or museum etc and now that they are older (12 and 9) they take them overnight for us the odd time (my parents are too old for this).

My DC are close with both sets of grandparents.

Did you offer?

This makes sense to me, we don’t live super close to family but even if we did around every other weekend is enough for us. My SIL gets a lot more help from her parents and sees them every day with her kids. We don’t need childcare so it’s just the traditional Sunday visit to see the grandparents every so often.

Every family is different with different needs and expectations.

My mum made it clear from the outset that she was not prepared to provide regular childcare for her grandchildren. Which was never expected and absolutely fine.

She looks after mine in school holidays for a few days which is massively appreciated and she has my sisters for evenings and days very regularly.

She has a great relationship with all of them

What builds a relationship is spending quality time with your grand children. When and how depends on what suits you, the parents and the other kids the best. If this is what works for you and the others then that is ideal, isn't it? I guess, it gets complicated if the parents aftually want you to provide regular child care and you won't (or can't). If they resent that they might reduce other contact. Not saying that's fair and it seems like your dd doesn't want regular childcare from you anyway.

I think you are kind of proving child care in rhe sense that you give the parents a break once in a while.

From rhe grand child's point of view the time that you put in is crucial. My parents live in a different country on the other side of thr world and because of ill health they csnt travel anymore. I visit them regularly and try to take the kids once a year but since they cant see them regularly the kids basically don't feel close to them anymore, which is heart breaking.

I think this is a load of bollocks to be honest. I don't think I've ever read on here people saying that the grandparents need to provide care in order to be allowed access to grandkids and have a relationship with them.