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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take 16 year old on holiday?

46 replies

StartAgainAndBeHappy · 14/06/2025 20:46

We are going on holiday in a few weeks. My teenage son has been a nightmare for months. The usual teenage stuff, but he’s SO horrible to me.

I wake him for school and he tells me to piss off. He speaks to my husband and I with such disdain and aggression, “I don’t care” or “I bloody know” are his stock responses.

I know some of it is normal teenage stuff, so I try and ignore it as much as possible and only do things like ground him or ban him from his phone for the day when he is even ruder than usual, but I am at my limit with it.

Hes recently got a casual part time job on a Saturday, starting at 11. This morning I woke him at 9.30 to ask if he was working and was told to piss off and leave him alone as he had an alarm set. Fine. At 10.30 I went back up as he hadn’t come down. His alarm clearly hadn’t gone off so I woke him again and said he needed to bring down the 5 bowls in his room when he came down. His response was “for fucks sake leave me alone and stop making a big fuss”. My husband overheard him then and told him to stop speaking to me like that. DS told him to shut up and stop acting like a little cock. I then said right, as you have absolutely no respect I’ll be removing your phone (which I pay for!!) today. He then called me a c word!!!

I walked away at that point, but as he was leaving told him his words had hurt me, and that I didn’t want to spend 10 days with him on holiday when he’s treating me like this all the time. That if he wanted to come he needed to come home later ready to apologise and take responsibility for his behaviour.

He’s come home and said he doesn’t care, he’s not planning to apologise. I am so torn. I’m so sick of being abused by him verbally, treated like a nuisance for trying to help HIM by waking him up etc. Why should I let him come on what is a really expensive holiday when he has no respect for his parents? But then I feel sick with guilt at the thought of not letting him come.

What would you do? I know this is AIBU but please don’t be too harsh, I’ve spent the day feeling shit. He is going on holiday for 2 weeks with his dad and step mum in August so he is going away this year again.

OP posts:
TwinklyRoseTurtle · 14/06/2025 20:49

Send him to his dads and enjoy
your holiday. I’d usually say let it go but at 16 he’s old enough to know better - have a chat with his dad about the the way he’s treating you perhaps if things don’t change he should live with his dad

Lammveg · 14/06/2025 20:51

Don't threaten things you can't or won't follow through with.

Stop 'helping' him and allow him to experience the consequences of his actions.

Both things easier said that done, I know. I'd suggest you need to discuss with him re the holiday. Can you actually leave him? Who would he stay with? Do you want him to come? All things I would think about before discussing.

Needmorelego · 14/06/2025 20:51

Stop waking him up.
If he's late to school and work then he's late.
He will have to suffer the consequences (being fired and whatever the school does).
Don't take him on holiday if he can be trusted to be home alone.
I wouldn't take his phone away because I assume he needs it to contact his job, get messages from school etc.

Pippa12 · 14/06/2025 20:54

I don’t blame you for wanting some down time from his disgraceful behaviour, I would definitely leave him behind. However, who will care for him? Would his Dad look after him? Is he so disrespectful with his dad and step mum?

Createausername1970 · 14/06/2025 21:01

Not sure about the holiday.

With regard to the rest, just stop doing anything for him. My son went a bit feral at 15 and whilst he wasn't speaking to me like that, it wasn't a whole lot better. I just told him fine, if he no longer wanted any input from me I wouldn't waste my time or effort. I stopped reminding him, nagging him, cooking for him etc. If something then went wrong I just said "oh dear, that's a shame" and didn't engage.

It lasted a month or so, then he came back round. Can't speak for your son but I strongly suspect mine was experimenting with stuff at the time.

He is 23 now, still living at home and yesterday he was trying to revive a bee he found in the garden, he was giving it some sugar water and made it a bed of leaves. So the little shit is a distant memory.

LoafofSellotape · 14/06/2025 21:06

Stop 'mothering' him. If he's late, he's late. I would ask him if he actually wants to go away with you and if he does you need to set some ground rules. They can be a bit Kevin the Teenager at this age but calling you a cunt isn't to be tolerated.

SolDeJaneiro · 14/06/2025 21:09

Don’t reward his awful attitude and behaviour with a holiday, he will he vile to you both there and you be even sadder about it in the sun!
But don’t leave him home alone, he will have a party and you will return to a trashed house and an unrepentant son! Send him to stay with his father for the time you are away, and make sure he doesn’t have a key!
If you don't have an alarm, get one installed!

LetIt · 14/06/2025 21:12

Stop helping him/waking him, let him deal with he consequences. Pull him up every time (sharply) he talks to you like that, it’s completely unacceptable. Don’t ignore it at all, by ignoring you are telling him it’s ok. And follow through on the no holiday. Remove his phone that you pay for (he can get his own if he needs one and works). And don’t give him any money. Don’t reward rude behaviour. He’s doing it because he thinks he can and you’ll not say anything, continue to “help” him and take him on holiday. You need to make it very clear you won’t be having it.

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 14/06/2025 21:13

Send him to his dads lock up and have a well earned rest uou really need it and deserve it.

Strokethefurrywall · 14/06/2025 21:14

It would have been a cold day in hell that I ever told my parents to piss off or swear at them.
Why on earth would you think of tolerating this or feeling guilty for giving yourself a break from his disgusting behavior??
Anyone who’d call me a cunt in my own house would find their belongings on the doorstep and that includes my kids.

No, it’s not being a teenager - it’s allowing him to treat you with such disdain that you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be comfortable and safe in your own home.

Yes many teenagers are grumpy, and in a turmoil of hormones, but they don’t verbally abuse their parents at the same time. Big difference.

Go on holiday without him. You deserve a safe space and a chance to relax without this shit.

TheaBrandt1 · 14/06/2025 21:14

He would ruin your holiday anyway in this frame of mind.

caringcarer · 14/06/2025 21:16

I'd ask his Dad if he can stay with him whilst you are on holiday. I'd continue to tell ds he is hurting you but then leave him to fend for himself more. He sounds very rude. Is there anything he's upset about in.particular ATM?

TheaBrandt1 · 14/06/2025 21:17

I would go absolutely fucking nuclear if some spotty kid spoke to me or Dh like that.

AlertCat · 14/06/2025 21:19

Yeah, he’s being an arse and he’ll ruin your break. Friends of mine told their dd they weren’t taking her with them on holiday when she was 15 or 16 and it did help, she started being less of a madam after that. I think it shocked her.

but in your case I would take him at his word and stop trying to help him. No waking him, no lifts, no phone, no laundry. No meals cooked. Sod that for someone whose response to help is to swear at me and call me a c word. How does he behave with dad and stepmum?

InterestedDad37 · 14/06/2025 21:19

Don't take him on holiday. There's a chance he might get the shock he needs. He doesn't deserve the holiday.

Original poster
StartAgainAndBeHappy · 14/06/2025 21:21

Thank you all. His dad has already said he will have him while we go so he will be looked after. I think I have become a lot softer since being diagnosed with incurable cancer a few years ago, I have tried to stop battling so they have good memories of their childhoods but clearly that’s been a mistake. He once told me he wished my cancer would come back, (They do not know it’s incurable and all think it has gone, I’m fully fit and well so no way to tell) he knew he’d crossed a line but I don’t think he actually apologised for that, I think he just ignored me for weeks until he just moved on. He has ADHD and I think has a lot of autistic traits so I try and forgive his lack of empathy, because at times he can be so funny and nice but these days not to me it seems.

OP posts:
Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 14/06/2025 21:24

You need to stop making excuses for him and tell them your cancer is incurable. It’s really unfair for him not to have that information

itsgettingweird · 14/06/2025 21:25

Yeah get his dad to have him and go and have a break.

Get his dad on side that whilst your away he follows the rules at home and that is from now on he gets himself from a to b. Wakes himself for work. Etc

You deserve better and he needs to know that you know that and won’t be accepting of the way he speaks to you and won’t be taking him on holiday whilst he speaks to you like that.

Id also tell his dad that you’ll have him when they go away if they make the same decision.

Lindajonesjustcantlivemylife · 14/06/2025 21:28

Pack him off to his dad's , get the house keys off of him so he can't let himself back in whilst you're away.
Wouldn't trust him not to have a party.

turkeyboots · 14/06/2025 21:29

Go on holiday, just lockdown the house so he can't throw a party.
And back off a bit, 15 is a tricky age for boys. Let him fail, get fired, better now than in his 30s

Sassybooklover · 14/06/2025 21:32

If my son spoke to me like this, I'd go ballistic and God help him if he ever spoke to my husband like it! I'd step back, stop doing things for him. If he doesn't get up for work, then so be it, if he's late then he suffers the consequence. Stop cooking for him. Stop doing his laundry. Don't give him lifts. You get the picture here, if he's so sure he's got a handle on his life and you're 'fussing' and he thinks he's an 'adult', then give him some realities of life as a proper adult! Not saying it won't be hard, but as soon as he starts realising he's not having his meals cooked or runs out of clean clothes, his attitude may change!

Zanatdy · 14/06/2025 21:33

Hell no he would be coming anywhere with me. Sorry but not a chance i’d be spoken to like that by my child. How did it get this bad? When mine tried to give cheek as young children I made it very clear that I am their mother and will not be spoken to rudely. They wouldn’t be sitting there with the latest tech and going on expensive holidays when acting like that. Enjoy your holiday without your rude son.

RuthEvershedforPM · 14/06/2025 21:37

i think it’s perfectly reasonable to want to be spoken to with respect in your own house and why would you go on holiday with someone who isn’t being kind to you.

I would also want to understand whether he is like this to his dad and step mum? To friends? To teachers? Just so you know what you are up against and how to best tackle it

GoldenOrangee · 14/06/2025 21:37

Lot going on here from your recent update.

He sounds like a very angry young man right now (I can't say I am surprised though).

He is obviously not right - we lash out at those closest to us.

Does he get help/medicated for the ADHD?

None of the above excuses his attitude towards you but there is clearly something going on here.

xPenelopePitstop · 14/06/2025 21:38

Stop waking him up.

If he’s late for school/college/work then that’s on him. Not you.

Stop making meals for him. Stop doing his laundry. Stop buying toiletries for him. If he wants to live in filth with dirty plates/bowls - then let him live in filth.

Stop paying for his phone.

He needs to learn to take responsibility for himself.

Maybe going on holiday and leaving him home alone to fend for himself will be a massive wake up call for him.