To not take 16 year old on holiday?

[StartAgainAndBeHappy]

We are going on holiday in a few weeks. My teenage son has been a nightmare for months. The usual teenage stuff, but he’s SO horrible to me.

I wake him for school and he tells me to piss off. He speaks to my husband and I with such disdain and aggression, “I don’t care” or “I bloody know” are his stock responses.

I know some of it is normal teenage stuff, so I try and ignore it as much as possible and only do things like ground him or ban him from his phone for the day when he is even ruder than usual, but I am at my limit with it.

Hes recently got a casual part time job on a Saturday, starting at 11. This morning I woke him at 9.30 to ask if he was working and was told to piss off and leave him alone as he had an alarm set. Fine. At 10.30 I went back up as he hadn’t come down. His alarm clearly hadn’t gone off so I woke him again and said he needed to bring down the 5 bowls in his room when he came down. His response was “for fucks sake leave me alone and stop making a big fuss”. My husband overheard him then and told him to stop speaking to me like that. DS told him to shut up and stop acting like a little cock. I then said right, as you have absolutely no respect I’ll be removing your phone (which I pay for!!) today. He then called me a c word!!!

I walked away at that point, but as he was leaving told him his words had hurt me, and that I didn’t want to spend 10 days with him on holiday when he’s treating me like this all the time. That if he wanted to come he needed to come home later ready to apologise and take responsibility for his behaviour.

He’s come home and said he doesn’t care, he’s not planning to apologise. I am so torn. I’m so sick of being abused by him verbally, treated like a nuisance for trying to help HIM by waking him up etc. Why should I let him come on what is a really expensive holiday when he has no respect for his parents? But then I feel sick with guilt at the thought of not letting him come.

What would you do? I know this is AIBU but please don’t be too harsh, I’ve spent the day feeling shit. He is going on holiday for 2 weeks with his dad and step mum in August so he is going away this year again.

OP I'd take a massive step back. Stop waking him up and let him crack on. Definitely don't take him on holiday.

I'd come down on them like a tonne of bricks if my DC had an attitude like that in my house. Sod that.

My DC is 13 and gets themselves up and out the house for school everyday without my help as I am fast asleep (shift work).

If you are confident that he can stay with his dad whilst you are away, then don't take him. I wouldn't leave him home alone, but it sounds like you have that covered.
Stop waking him up. If he's with you at meal times, he eats with you. If he doesn't/isn't, he makes his own. I think you need to be a little (lot!) harder with him. Think of it as preparing him for adult life.

You have to leave him at home. You told him that was a consequence. He’s not going to concern himself with you telling him off if your words are meaningless.

Woa, that is a massive drip feed. He's probably kicking back as he's terrified/ upset/ angry and it's all directed at the person he loves the most. I had a terrible accident years ago when ds was little and he was so good while I was ill but when I started to get better he was the most almighty little shit ever. He was clearly letting out all his bottled up emotion. Your ds could well be doing the same, no excuse but might be the reason. Don't send him to his dad's , it might give him a shock but more than likely it'll make things worse.

If he has another adult to look after him yes I would cancel the holiday for him. I wouldn't trust him in the house though.

He is not medicated, he was, but refused them about 18 months ago and has not taken any since.

He does have some attitude with his dad, but not like he does with me. He only sees him 4 days a month at most though as he lives several hours away and while he does come back every other weekend to see them DS is now at the age where he’ll often stay here instead to go out with friends etc. He has had trouble throughout the last year at school with being rude to his teachers, he has now left school following his GCSEs and will start college in September. I’m at a bit of a loss with him really, I have done all the taking the phone, taking the PS5, grounding him etc before but he doesn’t care and just maintains the strop until the allocated punishment time is over.

I would love to hit the roof with him, but what power do I have? His dad is hours away so no help, and when I ground him he ignores it and goes out anyway, how can I police that? I work full time, have other kids and at this point I think I’m so ground down with it. I just want an easy life without getting treated like shit in my own home when all I try and do is make a nice life for everyone. I would NEVER have spoken to my parents like this, I don’t understand why he does, and doesn’t feel any remorse.

Go without him.

I wasn't allowed to speak to my parents like that and I don't accept that from my DS (ASD and 16-still at school). I tell him off if I hear him swearing when gaming etc. He always apologies. He's never ever sworn at me.
If your DS is still at school then you obviously have a responsibility to make sure he's on time. You could be fined or SS involved if attendance is poor. I think you need to explain that to him. My DS bunked recently and I had a call from school saying they weren't trying to scare me, but if he continues to do that then SS might contact me.
Also, sorry to hear of your diagnosis, must be incredibly hard. Do you think it might have affected him, scared him and now he doesn't know how to deal with it? Telling the truth might make matters worse. I'm sure you're aware but there are cancer charities that can help, give advice.
And yes, leave him at home as long as he's not alone, he's too young for starters.

Sorry, x post about school.

I’m flabbergasted he’s gained employment with that potty mouth and horrible attitude.

I’d be tempted to leave him with his dad too.

Unmedicated ADHD, possible undiagnosed autism and his main caregiver being diagnosed with cancer makes for a troubled teenager.

I would start with having a proper conversation with him about why he stopped taking his medication.

I also don't think hiding the fact that your cancer is incurable is a great idea either - I personally would be open about that and again, have a difficult but honest conversation with him about it.

I hear you about wanting a simple, peaceful life but this kid sounds like he is struggling and unfortunately you are baring the brunt of it.

Did he have any pastoral care from the school? How honest were the conversations during your initial cancer diagnosis/treatment, did he have anyone to talk to? He isn't going to come back from his Dad's any better. It's best to decide if you are happy for him to leave. What's the plan on holiday? Are you going to be trying to get him up of a morning, or is it relaxed?

Sounds like you would all benefit from some family counselling.

This.

Think the holiday isn't the issue.

If my son spoke to me like that I would kick him out.

It's completely unacceptable. I can't believe you. Are tolerating it. Nect time he speaks to you like that pack his bags and drop him at his dad's.

Most kids don't behave like that out of nowhere.

Even looking into something as basic as 'why is my kid so rude' brings back stuff I have touched upon, from experts:

• underlying conditions (ADHD, autism, anxiety)
• Lack of emotional regulation and social skills (again, you say he has traits of autism and diagnosed ADHD)
• Frustration, upset or unable to express their feelings effectively
• Lack of good behaviour modelled
• Attention seeking

Your son from what you have said, ticks at least three of those boxes. I think he sounds very troubled and you are probably not going to get through to him on your own - a conversation with him at least opens the door. I would also say he needs to speak to someone. He would benefit from the autism diagnosis, he needs to go back on the medication and he also needs to talk about your cancer diagnosis. It's telling that you are the main verbal punchbag.

I would let him know you have incurable cancer. I would not keep that secret.

so sorry to hear about your cancer OP. I agree that it would probably be much better to talk to your kids about this.
fwiw I also have cancer and have struggled with my DS behaviour, he has asc and adhd. Solidarity to you
you might find some good information on this site,https://capafirstresponse.org/how-neurodiversity-affects-child-to-parent-aggression/ because your son is not being physically violent I don’t know if you’d qualify for the sessions but regardless there’s some great resources.
I have learned not to interact with my son at all until he is properly awake, he needs a hell of a lot of space and if he’s stressed out I have learned to step back, setting punishments in the moment simply inflames things more (to be honest I don’t punish him, he is 16, and aside from the fact it wouldn't work I think he’s far too old for that sort of thing. Incredibly we have respectful conversations about problems and resolve them together, I would not have been able to predict this year ago)
I suspect like me you’re unwittingly a big part of the problem here in allowing things to escalate, going from probably being somewhat overindulgent to probably overstepping/getting in his space or aggravating already heated situations, then feeling like a victim and wanting to punish him.
He’s a kid, you’re the adult so it’s on you to change course but personally when I did the work with CAPA, I was so happy that I could change things to get a better response and it worked really fast.
i have also found low demand parenting an incredible tool, it’s turned things around for us, DS like a totally different young man.

excluding him from the holiday could backfire horribly in terms of your relationship. I would tread carefully, and if you end up doing it, make sure it’s not coming from a place of being punitive,

Not a fucking chance he'd be getting a holiday out of me with that behavior going on.

If a 16 year old called me a cunt in my own house, I'd certainly help them pack a suitcase though.

As DS has finished GCSEs maybe he could go and live with his dad for a bit, start college there and have a fresh start to his relationship with you? Some space between you might enable a nicer relationship.

I can't believe what I am reading. I am trying to imagine my dh's reaction if my sons spoke to me like that.

Your dh needs to take him in hand and be the boss and let him know what will happen if he ever speaks to his wife like that again! The time for softness and niceness has gone. He needs someone to give him a fright.

Your dh needs to take him in hand and be the boss and let him know what will happen if he ever speaks to his wife like that again! The time for softness and niceness has gone. He needs someone to give him a fright

This is not going to work btw.