Grandmother/babcia doesn’t bother with sons or grandkids

[Anna225]

Hello

try to keep it as short as possible. My mother in law is Poland and resides there. She has three sons one of which I’m married to in the uk with 3 kids. Another moved to Belgium and started a family there who we are close to.
I’ve been married for 11 years and think she has visited 4-5 times but will stay only a few short days. She is the same for other son in Belgium. She will only visit for christenings. Anytime she is asked by either sons she makes excuses always saying she’s working (she retired but went back to work but works CONSTANTLY all day morning until night nearly always 7 days a week) she could take annual leave but just doesn’t. She doesn’t text or call on kids birthdays, send a card in post or present. Now and again through the years she has sent money so we could buy them something from her. When with her she is absolutely lovely full of hugs and kisses and smiley she will give us money when we visit her or when she has come here even when we tell her we don’t want it she’s insisting but apart of this she just doesn’t bother with the grandkids. We go to visit her every year and stay for 2 weeks. last year we went for 10 days. She chose to work the WHOLE time we were there including the day we landed and the day we left. We didn’t spend one single day with her and when she came home from work each evening she went to bed after half an hour saying she was tired.
my hubby doesn’t open up about his feelings on it apart of continually asking if she can make time to come to us as she hasn’t in years. But I’ve now seen my ***. My mum is constantly making time for our kids and does everything a loving nan should do and more. My brother in laws wife in belgiums mother was the same. A loving mum and Nan. My mother in law on the other hand just doesn’t even do the bare minimal of picking up the phone let alone anything else. Anyone’s thoughts on this?

Poland is a very different country to the UK may be she has to work all those hours just to keep her head above water. May be she just doesn't like the UK, reasonable, so doesn't want to spend time and money coming here.

You know it isn't you or your kids because shes the same with others. You'll have a miserable life if you don't accept people for who they are and try and make them how you want them to be.

It sounds hurtful & as though she doesn’t care but if it’s how she is with all her GC then it’s down to her personality, attachment style & personal choice at the end of the day. It sounds like no matter the requests for her to visit or to spend time with her, she prefers work over personal & family relationships. This does feel very sad esp when you have new little lives to share with her but she isn’t interested. I wouldn’t take it personally & stop inviting or expecting her to be any different. What kind of a mother was she to your DH & does this not reveal how/why she is now? It’s very upsetting (more so for your DH) but you can’t force someone to behave any differently, sadly.

My ex MIL is the same even before the divorce. She and her ex husband (ex-DHs dad) are both in the U.K. and we live abroad. She has never once visited our child, her only grandchild. Never called or asked to FaceTime or seemed interested.
Obviously this is complicated by our split, which happened when DD was a very small baby and now she’s a toddler. Ex-DH and I co parent quite well though and he loves her to bits. I also always got along with her very well and she was very nice about the divorce, so it’s not like we even have bad blood.
I chalk it up to his family just being weird. It’s not my job to make his mother want to see her grandchild, even if I was still married to her son. My job is to raise my child and also make sure she is happy in her relationship with my side of the family, and she is thankfully extremely close to my parents, who have been amazing.
I know it’s hurtful, but some people are just like this. Leave it be, enjoy the fact that your mum is brilliant and focus on that. If your DH has an issue with his mums attitude then that is for him to address with her and if he chickens out then that’s on him.

I want to add as well when we were last there staying with her, one evening we needed to go to the corner shop for milk. The kids wanted to stay in. So we asked her could she watch the little ones while we popped out. And she said ofcourse don’t worry! (They are little and there is balcony etc). So we go the shop and come back taking 10mims maximum. When we get back she is in bed with lights off. Left them to their own devices.

Does your husband know what is your MiL's financial situation? She may not have much of state provided pension and is earning money hoping to save for her retirement.

So she is retired and owns property outright. She also inherited a good deal. She doesn’t have financial worries and has admitted to husband in past she “works so she doesn’t feel lonely” but then she won’t book time off to see family. In her bit of spare time she goes clothes shopping for herself

She retired but then went back to work for cash In hand no taxes etc

Your mother in law has two sons who have chosen to live abroad. She has chosen to make her life centre round her work. Perhaps she really needs to, for financial reasons. This sounds perfectly reasonable to me. She's protecting herself. Also, it's hard to feel a very close connection with children you don't see often, even if they are grandchildren. This is dasappointing for you but would you rather she was coming to visit all the time, needing financial and emotional support? I think you will be happier if you accept her for what she is, instead of the kind of grandmother you would like her to be.

I’m not saying she should change her life but I do think it would be nice to send her sons and grandkids a card for their birthday or phone them up and ask how they are. We do this for her and so do her other sons.

Maybe spend some time with them when they go to visit her. That would be nice.

Just face time her once and month and stop visit...

Oh leave her alone!

she’s doing life HER way.

I wrote other posts on this feed. If you’re going to comment. Perhaps read otherwise there is no point

I agree that sending your children and grandchildren birthday cards is the bare minimum expected. I would cut her some slack on the phonecalls. I am reluctant to initiate calls with my own children because they have such busy lives and I always feel I'm getting them at an inconvenient time. As regards spending time with the grandchildren, maybe she is the kind of person who doesn't much enjoy interactions with young children? There are a lot of them around! I'm probably irritating you by seeming to defend your mother in law but it's a difficult role and she really doesn't seem that bad, just not what you'd like.

No it’s absolutely fine it just upsets me because I care about hubby and kids. The time when she said she would watch our kids while we went to the shop and she said fine no problem. Then when we got back she was in bed and left them to it is one that I’m still quite frustrated with.

That was a dreadful thing for her to do. Did you or your husband say anything to her? I would stop making an effort and visiting her if she doesn't seem to care whether she sees her son and grandkids or not.

So unfortunately I speak minimal polish and she speaks minimal English so I couldn’t. I know for a fact my husband didn’t say anything which I did question him over but he seems to never want to say anything negative to/about her even though what she did was completely wreckless and selfish.

She's just not into kids. Some people aren't, even those who have had them. Deal with it.

There is nothing you can do about this. I would focus your attention on things to can influence, such as your own relationship with your husband and children.

Aren’t you a ray of sunshine. Sure I’ll tell my children to “deal with it” your attempt to make me offended has failed apologies.

That’s unacceptable behaviour from your husband as well as your MIL. He shouldn’t let her get away with putting his children at risk - she didn’t have to agree to keeping an eye on them, but having agreed she should have done it!

I’d be dialling back the relationship with her. Do you get on with your husband’s brothers? Could they get family interaction from his side through them?

I m in Ireland and this is my mother. I suspect my mother is neuro diverse and knows how to navigate her working world and can mask very well in her familiar world and has an active social world through her work. She is loving towards children, can be too much of a handmauden to adult men and sometimes dismissive or rude to women, but crucially, she is socially enept in many situations.

My mother doesn't enjoy being idle and she doesn't enjoy not being in control of her own environment and time table. She views idle holidays and idle pass times as foolish. Cou? ld your mother on law be the same

So learn some Polish surely you want your children to be able to speak both languages anyway so it will be something to do as a family and so you can have a conversation with her.

Please don't bother inboxing me again, I'll just post your response here anyway

What was she like when your husband was growing up? Does her current emotional distance bother him?

I know I have said many times since coming home going blue. He just seems to shrug her behaviour off but would never do this with anybody else. I treat everyone equal.

yes we all have a fantastic relationship even though they live in Poland and Belgium. They are great with our kids and always stay in touch and we do the same with them and their kids. It’s just a shame with their mum I have a great relationship with her when we are together despite our language barriers but I just feel like she takes the Micky with hubby and kids. Just constant excuses.