Grandmother/babcia doesn’t bother with sons or grandkids

[Anna225]

Hello

try to keep it as short as possible. My mother in law is Poland and resides there. She has three sons one of which I’m married to in the uk with 3 kids. Another moved to Belgium and started a family there who we are close to.
I’ve been married for 11 years and think she has visited 4-5 times but will stay only a few short days. She is the same for other son in Belgium. She will only visit for christenings. Anytime she is asked by either sons she makes excuses always saying she’s working (she retired but went back to work but works CONSTANTLY all day morning until night nearly always 7 days a week) she could take annual leave but just doesn’t. She doesn’t text or call on kids birthdays, send a card in post or present. Now and again through the years she has sent money so we could buy them something from her. When with her she is absolutely lovely full of hugs and kisses and smiley she will give us money when we visit her or when she has come here even when we tell her we don’t want it she’s insisting but apart of this she just doesn’t bother with the grandkids. We go to visit her every year and stay for 2 weeks. last year we went for 10 days. She chose to work the WHOLE time we were there including the day we landed and the day we left. We didn’t spend one single day with her and when she came home from work each evening she went to bed after half an hour saying she was tired.
my hubby doesn’t open up about his feelings on it apart of continually asking if she can make time to come to us as she hasn’t in years. But I’ve now seen my ***. My mum is constantly making time for our kids and does everything a loving nan should do and more. My brother in laws wife in belgiums mother was the same. A loving mum and Nan. My mother in law on the other hand just doesn’t even do the bare minimal of picking up the phone let alone anything else. Anyone’s thoughts on this?

He doesn’t mention childhood much. I know there were some problems but when it comes to the mum I haven’t a clue. I know she worked a lot and his grandparents (his mums parents) looked after them A LOT and he adored them. which is ironic since now she can’t bother with her own grandkids. This is why I get upset. It’s like she’s having her cake and eaten it. She utilised her own parents when she had kids and now she can’t pick up the phone for her sons kids.

Okay, I’m actually more surprised by this than anything else you’ve written. This is your husband. How do you not have a clue? Have you not spoken about any of this?

You didn’t answer as to whether the current situation bothers him. If it doesn’t, YABU. The fact that she utilised her grandparents has nothing to do with you. Your kids have only ever known her to be the way she is, so they’re highly unlikely to be particularly impacted by it.

I don’t get why this upsets you so much. A woman you barely know doesn’t want to spend time with you…so what?

Although I can understand it is disappointing for you, I'm not really sure that this is an 'actionable' kind of disappointment, or one that you should ruminate on. .

You have a mother-in-law who is not really interested in engaging much with family. You wish that she would be a different kind of person from the person that she is. But people have their own priorities. There's no particular reason why they have to follow a template.

It is sad in some ways. However, the children have other family members who are engaged, including their other granny. That's lovely and I don't think they will feel any loss from having one disengaged granny (unless they pick up on your own feelings). In other ways in isn't sad. Your Polish MIL is living the life that she wants to live, and it sounds like a very full one. It would be hard and painful for her if she felt a very deep connection with family members who are overseas.

No I’m not upset she doesn’t want to spend time with me she’s not my mum. I care about my husband and my kids. That’s it. I know people like to have a go this day and age and nit pick everything but the end of the day if I pay and fly my family over to see their nan. I’d expect their nan to spend time with them. Doesn’t have to be all day every day. Just a tiny bit of time, with our without me. Not ignore them the whole time. I don’t understand how I’ve come out as the bastard for having such a small expectation. But that’s the world we live in ey.

yes it bothers him.

I’m not having a go or nitpicking. You’ve asked if you’re being unreasonable. I think you are and I’ve said why. 90% of us think YABU. Are you taking any of this on board?

You seem unwilling to countenance any suggestion that you’re not in the right here - so why did you ask?

It is a bit mystifying that your own DH hasn’t /can’t /won’t tell you about his childhood & upbringing @Anna225 or that you’ve never dug to find out more??
If she had little involvement as a parent then (for any number of reasons) & shows v limited maternal & grand maternal inclinations now - you have your answer. She’s just not built that way. I think it’s time to let it go you’ll never change her & short of asking about your DH’s experience of her parenting as a child - you’re never going to know why either. Not a lot MN can advise on. She sounds extremely set in her ways, maybe she went through terrible trauma, or got PND, is ND, has Dementia or none of the above. Maybe she never parented your DH v much at all & has no real interest/ability to 🤷‍♀️ If it was me I’d be asking his siblings what it was like for them & find out more about your DH’s family history. Surely they feel similarly to you & your DH but will have their own memories of childhood too.

OP, there’s no tradition of birthday cards in Poland.
Do your kids speak Polish? The language barrier is really difficult to overcome.
As for the way she lives and works-it’s very common in Poland.

She should have taken some time off for your family visiting but then if depends on her job/employer and the notice required.

I agree, birthdays aren't celebrated in Poland. She would he more likely to send a gift for Kids Day which is on 01/06 ot St.Nicolas day on 06/12. Ask your husband how those days were celebrated in his family. He may open up about his childhood. Maybe this is something he already does with your kids?
If his mother was using grandparents a lot for her childcare it tells you everything about her maternal instincts towards small kids.

Polish here.

I have to say that a lot of that generation is just wired like that. My mum isn’t very maternal, and she’s also told me stories of how her mum wasn’t either. You have to remember that during your MILs childhood, she was either raised in a communist state or just after during the ‘hangover’ period and it was a very different world.

Either way I can assure you it’s not done with malice. It really is cultural but more so generational. It’s upsetting but it will never change.

And actually just to add on to your point about her utilising grandparents for childcare but not offering the same. This is the exact same situation with my own mum who would rely on my GPs while she worked. The difference here was that when my GPs worked, many professions finished work at WAIT FOR IT 3pm (again, communism) and they were very much available. Also early retirements if you worked in the public sector or military.

Unfortunately you cannot make your DMIL interested if she doesn’t want to be. None of my inlaws are remotely interested in anybody but themselves and live about 20 minutes away but don’t bother.
stop stressing about it and start not giving a shit back.
you’re life will be infinitely happier

Before you give up on her, is it worth finding out more via your DH about how she finds the language barrier? Do the kids speak Polish? If not, perhaps it feels daunting to her to pick up the phone not knowing if your DH, the only Polish speaker, will be home. Do the kids ever video call her then language is less of an issue? Traveling to the UK without having much English could also be daunting, even if she were being met, & might mean she puts off visiting. English is often treated as the 'international' language on the plane, even before you get to the UK.

Her behaviour does sound oddly disengaged though when you visit. But before drawing conclusions, I'd want to know more about the cultural norms around this for someone who grew up in Poland's communist era, with different ideas about work and family relationships. Also, in other eastern European countries I've visited I know English is more often spoken by those who are younger and/or more educated. Does she perhaps feel a bit sort of 'left behind' when she hears her son and his family chatting in English and can't join in? I'm not suggesting she ought to feel this or that you do anything wrong, but she's clearly opting out of spending time with you, though showing affection when she is there. So it's maybe an angle worth thinking about.

We live in the UK as do the inlaws, albeit 150 miles away.
They have only visited us three times and my ‘kids’ are in their 20’s and 30’s. So she visits you more often than them.
It’s just how some people are.