To not love my SC the same way I love my biological children?

[annasdltn]

I have 7 yo twins. Sadly, their dad, my first husband, passed away when they just one.

My husband has two children from a previous marriage, aged 9 and 7. While the official custody arrangement is every other weekend, he has a good co-parenting relationship with his ex, so we usually see them more often—about half of the school holidays and most weekends, at least for a day. We’ve been together for four years, lived together for two, and got married this year, so I’ve known his children since they were small. They’re genuinely lovely—kind, polite, well-mannered.

I’m now pregnant with our first child together.

Here’s the honest part I’m struggling with: I often see stepparents saying they love their stepchildren the same as their biological ones, but I just don’t feel that way. I care about my stepchildren, I’m happy when they do well, and I want good things for them—but it’s not love, and it’s certainly not the deep, instinctive love I feel for my own children.

There’s another layer to this. My late husband was very successful and left a substantial inheritance to me, with the understanding it would go to our children. That includes a property portfolio which I still manage (same business he used to run but on a smaller scale) and other assets generating income. Because of this, my twins attend private school, have private healthcare, access to more expensive extracurriculars and a very comfortable lifestyle overall. Each of the twins will have access to a very substantial sum of money to buy their first house in their early 20s. They will not be taking a loan for university. These benefits do not extend to my stepchildren. Of course, I contribute to shared family time—holidays, outings, housing, weekends together—and the stepchildren do benefit in that sense.

So, AIBU for not feeling the same love for my stepchildren? Isn’t it biologically normal to feel more love for your own children? Or are other stepparents really managing to bridge that emotional gap in a way I just can’t?

Genuinely quite surprised that a non-parent would take a child to a medical appointment. Shouldn’t that be someone with parental responsibility?

Let’s have a look at what you are referring to.

I meant everything. Whether that’s food or a holiday. He should pay his fair share for all of his children. Anything less is just a big cop out.

“He should pay his fair share for all of his children.”

Ok what is wrong with that exactly? A man paying for 3 of his children instead of 2. Seems good to me.

“Anything less is just a big cop out.”
If he’s not paying what he should for his youngest for the benefit of his older ones then yes it is a big cop out regarding being a parent towards his youngest.

Again my main point is that I hope he doesn’t fall in to the habit of not doing very much for his youngest whether that’s financially or spending time with his child etc, because he thinks his older ones need more from him because of OP. His youngest deserves more than that.

She's not a random person? She's their stepmother who sees them quite a bit and have known them since they were young children?

But didn’t she have plans to go to a show with her children though? In which case the responsibility still lies with the parents. It’s fine to ask people for help but sometimes they can’t do it, can they?

Are there any rules or guidance on the use of AI to write posts? The original post and the longer replies read very much like AI, which makes me feel this topic might be a load of codswallop.

Step and half siblings indeed don’t have to have the same. They each will have what their respective parents are able and/or want to provide. If the mother in this case was the wealthy one able to send them to private schools and afford the perks associated with wealth, their less affluent step and half siblings would have to exist alongside privilege without benefiting from it. This though would apparently be fine and something they would have to accept, yet if it’s the stepmother/father that is wealthy then siblings existing on different ‘tiers’ is unacceptable and their relationships inevitably doomed.

Op and her husband agreeing is very much the point. Given that they’ve never blended finances and their respective financial responsibilities have been and are clearly defined, it’s highly unlikely that she conned him into a relationship by promising something she wasn’t in fact offering, forced him to marry her, or is forcing him to stay if he found/finds the financial arrangement unacceptable. OP expects him to jointly provide for their joint child and not leave the financial burden solely to her, which is hardly unreasonable. If that works for others that’s fine, but it wouldn’t work for OP and that’s fine too.

She says she acts like an "aunt" to them (slash mum's best friend). Personally I would take my niece or nephew to see the doctor if they were unwell enough to be taken out of school, and I was the one not at work and there was no one else. I wouldn't prioritise a show, no. I could maybe ask someone else to take the twins to the show if it was so important and unmissable?

But I suppose that's just me, and I would hope if I chose to marry a father I would actually accept his kids as my stepchildren and they would be partly my responsibility too, and not just in the same way as my best friend's kids. And I would hope that I would do more for them, not only just when "it was a matter between life or death".

I'm wondering what OP would do if her husband said no to taking her twins to the doctors though... "Nah, I'm taking my kids to that show, just keep the twins unwell at school for now until you're free." 🤔

Why can't their christmases be the same? I don't understand? It doesn't take anything away from your biological children, but will give your DH's children happier memories of shared christmases?

Surely, you're a family so presents should be shared. All kids treated equally because the presents are from you and DH... I don't know why couples would distinguish between which adult the present comes from.

Just like you do for holidays, it's easy enough to pool together a budget for Christmas and get all the kids presents from there. It's almost coming across like you enjoy the financial disparity between your kids and your step kids. You're posts remind me of Jane Eyre's aunt a little. Obviously some of it you cannot do anything about (i.e. trusts for house deposits in future), but other parts - all shared family events, lifestyle and activities - you should look to make sure the disparity is not noticeable. That is also for your twins' benefit so they can learn that toys, life, wealth is a lot more fun when it's shared.

I always wonder why the parents in these situations are always so unavailable for their kids. It would be a shame for OP and her kids to miss something they are looking forward to when one of two parents could leave work and and pick the sc up from school. I understand this is not always possible with work but in all honesty I think some parents in these situations are probably just being stubborn.

On the other hand, if both parents were surgeons (one of a number of professions I can imagine fitting the bill), I wonder how people would feel if their or their relative’s operation was cancelled at the 11th hour because an available step parent refused to take their sick step child to the doctor’s?

I haven't read the full thread but this is one of the saddest things I've ever read on MN.

"I care about my stepchildren, I’m happy when they do well, and I want good things for them—but it’s not love."

Those poor children!

I was in a similar position to the OP - widowed very young with young children. I remarried but my husband didn't have any children, which definitely made things less complicated I admit. However, if he did already have children, then I know I would have loved those children! No, maybe not the same as the love for my biological children, but love definitely.

My husband loves my children as his own. In fact, they are his own. He adopted them after we married so they are every bit as much his children than mine. OP - has there been no discussion of your husband adopting your kids? He is the only father figure they have.

I'm also a stepchild myself, and I know that my stepparents love me. I feel incredibly sad for your stepchildren whose stepmother cares about them but doesn't love them.

As I said it’s not always possible to pull away from work. You say OP was available but she wasn’t was she?
I wonder if both of the SCs parents have jobs that are very difficult to pull away from. It would be great if OP could tell us what jobs they do and what all of the other relatives were up to that day.

It’s obvious you haven’t read the full thread if you think that’s one of the saddest thing you think you’ve read on here. It got way worse.

God, really? It gets worse? Glad I haven't read it then.

It's fairly obvious that the OP wants to ensure that the distance between the new baby and their paternal half-siblings is as wide as possible.

The step children are expected to "shut up and accept life is unfair" but the new baby will clearly share the same lifestyle as the children with the inheritance. So all the justification of why the step children need to accept their second class status is complete rubbish.

I hope the twins sue OP for stealing their inheritance for a half-sibling.

This thread is insane, try putting yourself in ops shoes..
You are married and have twins when tragically your husband dies leaving two babies without a dad.
His will states the money goes to his children and a business to his wife.
years later she meets a guy, with his own children, by the sounds of things those children have everything they need taken care of by their own mum and dad. Not the lifestyle ops children have but not many children do have that.
This man knowing this, moves in with op, marries her and they have a baby on the way.
As far as I’m aware op hasn’t suggested that her husband should pay for this new child’s private school fees.. I’m assuming Op can cover that?
How does this make her a nasty person, they aren’t her children if they are deeply affected (and they might not be) my son and step daughter have very different lifestyles (similar to ops setup, my step daughter is the one with the money) and my son doesn’t hate her, resent her or anything else people are assuming.
As long as the step children understand the new babies wealth is coming from mum then that’s fine.

Frankly, OP, what you feel about your step-kids only matters to you. It’s your behaviour towards them that’s important. So if you just posted for reassurance that your feelings of benevolence-but-not-real-love are normal, then you’re off the hook.

But I don’t think you would have posted if it was just that (because tbh the answer to your original question is so breathtakingly obvious that no half-intelligent adult would actually need to crowdsource a response). I think you posted because you know the set-up you have contrived, and the way the different children within your household are treated, is deeply troubling. Yes, it’s a complicated situation, and the inherited wealth from your late husband makes it unusually complex. But these are small children you’re talking about, who will notice and have feelings about your behaviour towards them, and the way in which you seem to be actively segregating the family comes across as incredibly cold.

Nobody should marry, or move in with, a partner who already has young children unless they are prepared to treat those children as their own in the day-to-day, activities and Christmas presents and help with homework way. (Equally, because it often arises on MN, nobody should blend families without being fully prepared for those children to live with them full-time, even if that seems unlikely at the time of joining households.) Your own children’s inherited wealth will still be there for them when they’re adults, and that’s fine, but I can’t see any justification for giving them a superior quality of life to the step-siblings the live with. Being second-class citizens in one of their homes must be incredibly hurtful and puzzling for your step-children.

I hope OP is still reading this

I think your husband should be given this thread to read to get his opinion.

I think your husband should be given this thread to read to get his opinion.

I think your husband should be given this thread to read to get his opinion.

This really.
I'm a sm. I do love my sc as my own, they're treated as my own. We are a family and there's no "other". I had an sm like you and decided very consciously, not to follow her model when I got married. Because I've seen the rift it caused between children, the tensions and the lack of love. My parents divorced and I don't see her anymore. My sc are wonderful and I had then from age five every weekend. That helps probably. I do feel like a mum to them and when mine were born they just added to the mix as equal sibings. If I had inheritance to give, if their mum couldn't afford school fees for example, I'd 100% pay and treat them equally.
I think there are two issues here. Love is one thing. Maybe you don't have it in you. Maybe you never tried and always thought them or saw them differently. Maybe you resent their mum and see them as a threat. Whatever. Ok. But aside of this do you want an actual family, family? If yes, by treating them separate you're setting everyone up for difference, drift, tension and guilt (on your dh part, which will reflect on your relationship).

My signature under this.

If I had inheritance to give, if their mum couldn't afford school fees for example, I'd 100% pay and treat them equally

How so? OP’s children don’t have a father, he died. The money he left was for his children and OP clearly states she is to provide for their joint child.

We were also a blended family my half sister got a lot more than we ever did, yet we loved her, welcomed her, treated her the same, anything extra was from her father, we accepted it because it was right and fair, we weren’t ‘owed’ our stepdads money. Thats grabby!!

We had a rough childhood because our father was shitty - she had a wonderful childhood. Those are the breaks.

OPs step kids have 2 parents to support them. You can’t replace family.