To not love my SC the same way I love my biological children?

[annasdltn]

I have 7 yo twins. Sadly, their dad, my first husband, passed away when they just one.

My husband has two children from a previous marriage, aged 9 and 7. While the official custody arrangement is every other weekend, he has a good co-parenting relationship with his ex, so we usually see them more often—about half of the school holidays and most weekends, at least for a day. We’ve been together for four years, lived together for two, and got married this year, so I’ve known his children since they were small. They’re genuinely lovely—kind, polite, well-mannered.

I’m now pregnant with our first child together.

Here’s the honest part I’m struggling with: I often see stepparents saying they love their stepchildren the same as their biological ones, but I just don’t feel that way. I care about my stepchildren, I’m happy when they do well, and I want good things for them—but it’s not love, and it’s certainly not the deep, instinctive love I feel for my own children.

There’s another layer to this. My late husband was very successful and left a substantial inheritance to me, with the understanding it would go to our children. That includes a property portfolio which I still manage (same business he used to run but on a smaller scale) and other assets generating income. Because of this, my twins attend private school, have private healthcare, access to more expensive extracurriculars and a very comfortable lifestyle overall. Each of the twins will have access to a very substantial sum of money to buy their first house in their early 20s. They will not be taking a loan for university. These benefits do not extend to my stepchildren. Of course, I contribute to shared family time—holidays, outings, housing, weekends together—and the stepchildren do benefit in that sense.

So, AIBU for not feeling the same love for my stepchildren? Isn’t it biologically normal to feel more love for your own children? Or are other stepparents really managing to bridge that emotional gap in a way I just can’t?

And probably also because you sound like quite a cold and selfish person and he doesn’t 🤷‍♀️

That cant be changed.

The situation that the OP has chosen to bring 5 kids into can be influenced.

Another straw man. Nothing to do with what the other poster said.

Of course it’s normal. If you and your current husband divorced there’s a chance you wouldn’t see the DC anymore. You can care incredibly a lot for them, but biologically you are not their mum.
Regarding the financial side, it doesn’t matter. It’s from your kids bio parent. It’s not your responsibility that your late DH was wealthy and your newDH ex wife is not. It’s just life.

OP shouldn’t pay more than her share for the household bills so her husband has more money left over. OP is treating her two children equally and her husband is treating his two children equally. It’ll be unequal for the youngest though.

Normal to feel different to SC than your own. As for the money situation I bet your twins would give up every last penny to SC if it meant they had their dad so I wouldn’t be feeling guilty about SC not having the same money in life as your own.

One more thing that has occured to me is that love is a practice. Looking at the title of the thread which seems rather divorced from the actual content of the conversation... If you want to feel love towards another person then start to act lovingly towards them. Often emotion follows action not the other way around. OP if you don't act with love ie practicing selflessness and generosity towards your SC, then you won't feel love, no.

I agree. The inheritance is one thing but day to day, you've chosen to created a blended family so you have a duty of care and that entails compensating for the fact their half sibling will be significantly wealthier by not pushing it in their face all the time.

Just wondering, how would you feel about your husband going to a show with his DC if one of your twins needed to go the doctor? Not judging, just interested if it goes both ways.

If you adopt a child they will still have a birth family, albeit that the legal ties will be severed. But lots of adopted children seek out their birth family as young adults so it’s untrue to say that there is nobody else as it’s something many adoptive parents have to deal with at some point. Some people are just obsessed with the blood link which is a shame and my guess is they wouldn’t be able to love an adopted child either. There are some altruistic people both step parents and adoptive parents who will treat the child absolutely as their own and will reap the rewards long term. I bet the OP would be furious if her DH treated her kids the same as she treats his (ie the refusal to take to the doctor - that’s actually shocked me).

Oh dear. Keep going as you are, and see how things turn out in 20 years with your husband, your stepchildren (which, to be honest, you don’t seem that bothered about), and possibly even your own biological children - who probably actually like their step-siblings. It’s very possible they’ll grow up to be their own people with their own thoughts and feelings about how they were raised, and how others in the same house and same "family" as them were treated.

I don't think anyone would claim that you have to love your stepchildren in the same way as your biological children, but surely part of becoming a successful blended family - as you have chosen to do so - is treating children equally, or trying to bridge whatever gaps and disparities may exist, to the best of your ability. Frankly, it sounds as if you just can't be bothered. The doctor thing is pretty grim, tbh. What does your husband think about it?

Also, as a PP has pointed out - your new child will be the same relation to your stepchildren as to your twins. There's no difference.

Remember that your new baby will be a sibling to your sc, in the same way your children will be. No difference!

No it won't. Her twins don't have a parent in common.

Your husband has made piss poor decisions for his dc, he’s blended a family where they are already the poor relations. If it was that alone, they it would probably be ok, because they can learn the reasons for it.

to bring a joint child into this is disgraceful on his part. How can they not feel hurt, I hope to goodness he isn’t going to be paying half for his new child’s privileged life.

what happens if you get a divorce? wont he get a share of your money.

In your shoes OP, with such a financial disparity between children close in age, I wouldn't have entered into such a set up.

Now you have a 5th child that will be a bit of an in-betweener in this blended family dynamic.

It will suck for your DH's kids as they reach adulthood. This actually has nothing to do with love and more about how they will view financial disparity between themselves as step siblings. It can be explained to them, but their feelings will be legitimate.

To answer your AIBU, you are not as long as you welcome them into your home and show kindness, but what you describe isn't reasonable. It is messy and bound to end in a lot of hurt.

And this mind set is why so many BF fail and cause massive amounts of harm to the kids in the middle.

None of the kids will know who paid for what. They will how ever grow up wondering why are we treated so differently.

They will get to adulthood and likely think, well we know were we have always stood in the pecking order of this mishmash shit these two adults created all because they "fell in love".

They have so much money it doesn't matter were it comes from between them. The OP is now independently wealthy.

Personally I care more about the relationships our kids will have with each outside of their dad and I to ever get that petty.

I care that both respective SC want a relationship with their BS from DH and I.

The OP doesn't, nor does she actually value their place in the family.

She is very happy to take the benefits of her husband stepping in to create memories and be the male role model with her kids, because they dont have one.

She doesnt want the same relationship with them fine. But she can contribute in others ways to enhance their life, like her DH is doing for hers.

She means that it will be just as much the sibling of the stepkids (share a father) as it will the sibling of her kids (share a mother). Sadly I don’t think the OP will see it that way or respect that at all. Poor kids. The Christmas and the doctor thing has made me feel quite sick.

I just don't really see how a blended family can work unless you marry and make all finances joint. This just sounds like a potential tinderbox of resentment, and not fair to pull any of the existing kids into for the sake of the adults relationship ambitions.

YANBU

I have a stepdaughter by marriage with my current husband and I also have a stepdaughter , who isn’t actually my stepdaughter as I was never married to her dad, but I was with him when she was very young and bought her up as her mother was not involved . I will call her 1st and my current 2nd ;

I love 1st more than second. Just how it is . Probably wouldn’t tell my DH that . She’s now 20 and I don’t see her as much ( mother is now involved so I never abandoned her ) but still will meet up with her etc , she’s my child’s sibling too . I love her dearly.

2nd , was young when I met my DH , spends weekends ( not so much now , she’s 17 ) I have a great relationship with her , never had to be her mother as she has her own . Always treated her as I would treat my own and again , I love her dearly. Not as close a bond as 1st but that’s because I was playing mum to 1st - day to day - all through primary school etc , even when I split from her dad.

But , the love I have for them doesn’t come close to the love I have for my children . Not at all. Because they’re not my children. My DH loves my childen , I know he does , but I know it’s not the same love he has for his and I wouldn’t expect that.

I don’t feel any guilt for this at all.

They are still more likely to form a closer bond to an adopted child than they are a stepchild. Yes there’s a biological family out there somewhere, but it’s completely different to stepchild’s mum who is bringing her child up and is very much there.

Your stepchildren have two parents who are alive. That is a privilege that no ££ can ever equal.

It’s sad that her twins don’t have their father but it increasingly sounds like the step kids don’t have much of a father , it sounds like he does everything for his stepchildren and maybe I’m being presumptuous , the sc only get to see him , with the twins already always there and that’s without throwing a baby in the mix, another child who gets dad’s attention, when they don’t .

the money and things the twins dad left them obviously nothing to do with step kids , and if spoken appropriately to them probably wouldn’t bother them, seeing 3 kids get loads of money spent on them at Christmas, while you get £20 spent , will cause problems and resentment

What's that got to do with the ops question?

I agree. The obvious difference in Christmas presents and especially the refusal to take her stepchild to the doctor are quite shocking to me. It would never occur to me not to take DSC to the doctor if necessary and the parents couldn't do so. Heck, I have provided emergency childcare for DSC's younger sibling (their mother's child with her current husband). And that child isn't related to me or DH either by blood or marriage but is still part of our "village."