Why won't my mum stop talking about herself? It's ruining our relationship

[scaffoldingyawn]

She lives abroad, comes to visit. Should be nice but her inability to talk of nothing else but herself is so draining it makes me feel ill.

My dad is similar.

Is it a generational thing?

So exhausting.

I have grandparents that live abroad and talk endlessly to me about their quiz nights, their friend drama etc but it took them 3 days to congratulate me when I bought my own house alone and they’ve visited twice since then but never come to see it even though I offered to drive them the half an hour from where they stayed 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think some people feed on the drama and are only interested in that. They tried to face time me the evening after my other nan had a cardiac arrest, even though I’d made it clear I was in the hospital. And when I eventually did call them back it was all about them and their friends they know in hospital etc, they didn’t once ask me how I was even though my Nan was on life support in the room next door.

Something I’ve learnt recently is that just because someone is related by blood, doesn’t mean you have to keep pouring effort into them. I’ll always be civil, but I’m not worrying that they think I’m rude for not calling them every week when all it does is drain me.

It's just awful isn't it!
She's never been interested in me, I wonder why she even wants to visit?!

Mine was like this. I don't have the answer, but in my mum's case I'm pretty sure that she was ND. There's an awful lot of diagnosed autism in my family.

Because she enjoys the attention, because you’re another person to oooh and ahhh at her stories. I also find that the people that shout loudest to their friends about visiting their grandchildren/children etc actually have the weakest connection.

My grandparents talk endlessly to their friends about me, but I have no idea what they say because they don’t know anything about my life. I think they just want their friends to think they’re great involved grandparents. My Nan actually said once it was a shame I don’t post on Facebook anymore because she doesn’t know what I’m doing… pick up the phone and ask me then!

im sorry OP, its not a nice position to be in but protect yourself first. If it doesn’t fill your cup, you don’t have to invite her over or pick up the phone.

My SIL & BIL are like that, they go on & on about what they’ve done, where they’ve been, what their kids & grand kids have done … 🥱 They say I bet you saw it on FB, like we have nothing else going on in our lives so we have to follow theirs on FB 😆 I haven’t been on FB in yeeeeears due to people like them.

My mum is like this. It’s not actually possible to have a conversation with her as every road leads back to her. There’s no back and forth, and she rarely asks questions except as a prelude to giving her opinion / advice. My dad isn’t like this at all.

i can only assume it’s insecurity and having low self esteem.

What would happen if you very bluntly said, Mum, do you realise you haven't asked me a single thing about my life since you started talking?

This is my MIL. None of her children want to know her anymore, nor do her own parents. She's going to end up a very, very lonely old woman.

Well tbh I don’t want her to start quizzing me, because that inevitably leads to endless ‘helpful’ advice on what she would do. I generally practice very strict news management with her and keep things very surface. But it doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes wish things were different.

On the few occasions I have challenged her, she’s very upset ‘oh I can’t say anything right!’ then later rationalises it. Nothing changes because she’s never wrong 🤷‍♀️

I also tried to challenge my mum a few times, but nothing came of it. If they're insensitive enough to do it in the first place, they're insensitive enough to continue doing it, even if they know they're boring the shit out of everyone around them.

We all know people like this. It is draining and the art of a two way conversation is alien to them.
‘ let’s bring it back to me ‘ .. I’m not sure why they are so unaware of how it comes across to be honest

'I generally practice very strict news management with her and keep things very surface. But it doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes wish things were different.
On the few occasions I have challenged her, she’s very upset ‘oh I can’t say anything right!’ then later rationalises it'

Hard relate to all of this. My parents are very similar to your mum. They monologue AT ME - it's not a conversation. They seem to have no interest in my life or in me at all really. If I do volunteer some info, it gets ignored or talked over. And yes we do all know people like this, but it's particularly weird and hurtful when it's your own parents

I could’ve written this post.
Like another poster I think she’s neurodiverse. There’s diagnosed family members and I’m sure she is too (think she believes she is as well).
It’s exhausting though and you’re always slightly on edge. At 75 theres no real changing her now.

If she's ND... there was NEVER any chance of changing her...

Oh this is so me! I was talking to someone about this today actually and wondering if it’s a generational thing, although we have a lot of ND in our family so it could be that also.
it has got worse as she has got older, but it was always there.
all conversations come back to her, no questions come to me - there’s an assumption of a relationship without her knowing that there needs to be some work on her part.

for years I worked so hard to try and crate the right environment where she would give me what I need but I realise now it is never going to happen so I have been detaching.

I think this is the case. Compounds the problem because then I feel guilty about being so annoyed with her.
It's so embarrassing sometimes when we're with strangers/company

I lost it slightly and said something like 'ok but that wasn't what we were talking about??'
She still didn't get the hint.

urgh. Solidarity.

I think it’s an old age thing.
My mum used to be fine.
But now she forgets what I do and what’s going on in my life so cant ask how was this or that.

So she talks about herself. Not interesting stuff like Did I ever tell you about the time your gran helped a fireman out if a tree, or some such. It’s more like Did I tell you I got xyzcrossword puzzle book delivered today and it’s not due next week but ive not got yxv crossword puzzle book but it’s overdue and I told the carers about blah blah blah.
None of its interesting. I don’t care that Sandra the carer has given up vaping and Joyce’s kid was four yesterday. Ive never met them. I will probably never meet them. It’s none of my business.

I phone every night. Last night I was too tired to talk so I said if there’s nothing urgent can I go as Im tired and I’ll phone you tomorrow as usual. She launched into the crossword convo. I asked if it was important I know about the crossword book delivery schedule it if it could wait….

I think it’s a mixture of old age and loneliness
my late MIL talked AT ME about her neighbours 2 doors downs granddaughter / cousin I had never met ( neither had she ! )
then I wondered how she knew so much about their careers etc. she never once asked me what I did in my job

Oh yes, I know this well. I know everything about auntie Janet's hip replacement, Mary from down the road's new sofa, what times the bus has changed to, what time a hospital appointment is in 3 months time, what they had for dinner....

I'm not sure my mum even knows what I do for a living.

Absolutely this. It’s not generational. My 90 year old Dad is totally interested in what I’ve been up to but not my mother who’s 84. I came back from a bucket list holiday to a destination she’d been to. Was she interested in what I’d seen and done? Absolutely not. All we heard about was when she visited 10 years ago. Then she saw a photo on the wall of somewhere in Italy ( we were in a restaurant) then I had to listen to her monologue about a holiday she’d had to Italy.

I deal with it better now I accept she’s only interested in herself, not me, so generally zone out and let her monologue. I limit my visits because anything more than 2 hours is very draining but I just think of it as 2 weeks out of my life in a week and I’ve done my duty.

The only thing I can add to this incredibly relatable thread is that my DM has not a single jot of interest in either of her teenage grandchildren. She neither knows nor cares what I’m up to, which doesn’t bother me, but for some reason it stings a bit that she can’t hold any convo with them.

Yes. I can spend an entire weekend with DM without her asking how you are or anything about your life. She is completely disinterested in me or her GC. One of my siblings is the same. Autism has been suggested. It's so odd. If I visited a friend who talked only about themself I wouldn't go back.

Oh Lord. It’s worse in the case of mine (competitive grumbling) because not only does she show no interest in where the kids have been on our family holiday, but she also boasts about places she took me as a child. I then feel guilty because my own parents were much better off in middle age than me and DH are now. We will not be GOING to Florida, kids - sorry about that - but you have to listen to a monologue about it.

My mum is likely ND and is just the opposite - she’s got this rigid idea that ‘having a conversation’ means she has to interrogate the living shit out of people about the most mundane minutiae of their lives - exactly what time they did something or plan to do something, what they ate for lunch, what they’re planning to eat for dinner, what time they plan to go to bed. But she won’t let people actually answer her endless questions, because she interrupts them to finish their sentences for them.

I only twigged when my DC was diagnosed.