Why won't my mum stop talking about herself? It's ruining our relationship

[scaffoldingyawn]

She lives abroad, comes to visit. Should be nice but her inability to talk of nothing else but herself is so draining it makes me feel ill.

My dad is similar.

Is it a generational thing?

So exhausting.

It’s not a generational thing. It’s an age thing. Lots of us will be the same when we are that age 😂 I think some people sort of revert to the way people are in their teens. Totally self focussed

I think it’s a mixture of age and personality - and for those that say neurodivergence can be a factor, I agree, and my personal experience (not an expert) is that the ability and/or inclination to mask appears to deteriorate as people get older.

My parents are like this. Late 70s and my DM in particular is looking for an audience rather than a conversation partner now. My DF has always been this way but I’m confident he has undiagnosed ASD (one of my own DCs is diagnosed so I know a reasonable amount). My DM has always had tendencies to monologue but I genuinely can’t remember the last time she asked me anything about me as a person and my own life, as opposed to my DCs or stuff to do with my house.

I feel like I should just accept it and monologue back when there are things I want them to be aware of but it’s really hard and to be honest, it is affecting our relationship as it feels like she’s just not interested.

Another one who hugely relates to all this. I also think my dm is probably on the spectrum.

It's awful to say it but I often read the paper during our weekly call and just say "oh" and "really" now and then and she doesn't notice I'm not listening properly.

She sometimes asks how I am about 20mins in but doesn't listen and switches back to her, wittering in a monologue about herself her friends, evey detail.

For one reason or another I now have a second oldie who is exactly the same to help and to support so got two of them. The additional one never ever asks me anything about my life.

Whichever previous poster calls her dm every day, hats off to you! I couldn't do that.

I have to say that the relationship between my own mother and I wasn't very meaningful for a range of reasons but this talking at me certainly didn't help. She also had a set of 6 monologues which she just repeated over and over, every one about how wonderful her son the golden child was. Reader, he wasn't wonderful.

Oh god when mine does ask stuff she does this too. Finishes my sentences often incorrectly.

She'll also sort of make assumptions about feelings I must have about situations which are often way off.

Then she goes back to talking about which veg she got on yellow stickers in Aldi. I dread the weekly call.

Never been very close to her and it sounds harder for those of you who were and have lost that because this behaviour is newer.

I think it’s an old person (and particularly and old lady) thing.

My mother has started doing it to - anything I say the response is about her or her experience of a similar thing.

I don’t actually think she’s not interested in us, I just think it’s a bad conversational habit people pick up. Rather than express interest in the person they are talking to, all they can do is think about how it relates to them.

My SIL is like this, it's draining. I try to converse with her as little as possible now but it's hard because our kids are in the same class. Irks me even more now because she will go on and on about her kids and literally ignores every single thing I say about any of mine.

This is my MIL down to a T. I've heard it called 'boomerasking' - asking a question of somebody else with the sole intention of answering it yourself. In my MIL's case she'll usually dispense with any pretense of actually wanting to hear what the other person has to say and just answer her own question without drawing breath. 'Biskie what do you make of (X) thenI reckon [goes on for several minutes], and then what about (Y) if you ask me [goes on for several minutes more]. I find it exhausting and within not long at all I give up even trying to respond. Cue complaints of 'Biskeboo is very quiet today, has barely said a word, is something wrong?'.

The thing is, I'm almost certain that it is because she's actually quite insecure so in a way I do feel bad for her. Doesn't make if any less annoying though.

I’ve found my people! This is my DF. I see him once a week (plus a phone call) so endure at least 2 hours of monologing a week. I mostly just nod along, but occasionally try to introduce information about my and the DC’s lives. Highlight this week was me trying to talk about the holiday we’ve just been on, only to be interrupted with his story of cleaning the bathroom. I also strongly suspect undiagnosed neurodiversity. He’s elderly and I do feel guilty for not appreciating him more, but he makes our time together something to endure rather than enjoy.

My DM does this and has for years, I find it upsetting at times, I’m trying to get support and she just switches it back onto what she wants to talk about

Love my mum but she definitely does this. Once 40 mins into a phonecall I did say 'do you realise you have been talking for 40 mins and haven't asked me anything'. Other odd occurrences I am finding is that when I talk about what my high school children are doing, she will talk about what happened when she was the same age nearly 70 years ago as if her experience is related to what my children are doing. To be honest I find it amazing that she can remember that long ago however it's never really relevant to the conversation.

My mum’s the opposite with my kids. How would they ever know the right thing to do if she hasn’t told them? So she does. But they are a lot more accepting of her, probably because she genuinely thinks they are wonderful I.e. that they reflect very well on her. They are boys, that probably helps 🤷‍♀️

Here we go with the 'generational' crap again.

Because of course this happens to everyone once they hit 55 and no-one younger is ever like it

My DM is like this. She’s retiring next month and I’m absolutely dreading it. My Dad is hard of hearing, I think that’s how he can stand if.

My elderly parent is also ASD, and mostly only talks about himself or will talk about me and my family if the topic of conversation is an interesting one to him and he can relate to it .
He will ask as a formality how we all are, because he’s been taught to do that, but to be honest I don’t care one bit if he asks about me and I don’t mind if he moves every topic to his experience.
I just take him as he is.

Mine does this a lot, it is very irritating, she does occasionally ask me how I am, but it is very much an afterthought and she doesn't want to listen to the answer, and she has a habit of telling me the same stories on repeat or making stories up to fit her agenda.
She has never been a hugely supportive person though, mainly because I am not male.

My Mum is 87, and she’s not like this at all, and never has been. I don’t think it’s an inevitable part of ageing. My aunt died recently aged 95, and was always interested in what everyone else was doing. I have met people like this, and it’s tricky-I couldn’t cope with a friend like this, but it’s hard when it’s parents.

We’ve got an 81-year-old family friend staying with us at the moment, and I am studying her intently with a view to being as much like her as I possibly can when I’m older. Full of energy and enthusiasm and curiosity and mischief.

And a lot less cranky than she was when I knew her during what would have been perimenopause time for her… so I have hope that I might actually get better rather than worse after 55!

Both my parents are like this. If I come back from holiday they won't ask anything about the holiday, but will use it as a prompt to talk about their own history of holidays. Any news I have about DC's school launches a very detailed account of their own school days, culminating in a summary of how intelligent they were/are.

It's very draining.

My mum is the same. She endlessly bleets about her asthma. Yesterday i got a lecture about her boyfreind. She wants him to be a sounding board for her issues. She cannot grasp the fact that he recently had an operation on his foot and that it isn't healing well.

My mum is like this as well. Always has been I think, but it's undiluted now my dad's no longer alive. Everything I say is immediately countered with long descriptions of something she did or someone she knows. Like a PP I know everything about her neighbours, friends etc into the smallest details. I'm bored of our conversations. I'm an only child so have to visit, but I'm afraid I tune out immediately otherwise I'd snap at her at some point. I dread every visit. I now barely tell her anything.

I think they have nothing else to talk about. My mum was like this. In her mind she was making conversation 🤷🏻‍♀️. But barely asked about me, certainly no interest in talking about anything like current affairs, etc. so I just used to get a monologue about her retired life, what had happened on the dog walk, what the neighbour had done, etc.

I guess ultimately we had nothing in common.

@scaffoldingyawn as far as ruining my relationship with her… I have made a conscious choice that it won’t. Like I say, I deliberately keep things quite surface-y and I don’t confide in her - I’ve got friends / DH / mumsnet for that. She has never wanted to be my best friend, and vice versa.

I think we both work hard to make sure our relationship works. When I need to I can talk openly with her - about money, wills, future care needs. Sometimes I do ask her advice, there are things she knows about that I don’t - gardening, etc and we get to have a chat where I’m not instantly irritated. But it’s definitely a relationship I have chosen to maintain, partly because she and I hold our wider family together to a great extent, and that’s important to me for all of us. My sister doesn’t have kids so she’s maybe more willing to step away, but she also tolerates my mum so that we can so get together and have a nice time.

i should add though that I don’t live in the UK 😂 we visit 2-3 times a year, we only speak on the phone every couple of weeks - that helps.

I know it's tough. I felt the same.

But trust me, when she's no longer there you will do anything to hear her talk about herself again. 💛

I think it’s a generational thing. My DH laughs when mum calls and I’m driving as she just tells me her news and then says bye. Never ask about me or the kids. She’s lovely but very self centred