Crazy religious ex husband

[Lavenderfarmcottage]

To give context - I am a single Mum & currently have as hashimotos & an infection. I’m exhausted and tired and have a DS 8 turning 9. My Dad has died, my Mum is fragile & erratic after loss of my sister and our family has always been fractured and small. I feel very unsupported and alone. The other mums are nice but everyone has busy lives and are at maximum capacity.

My DS aged 8 turning 9 refused to visit his Dad lately. My ex husband is increasingly religious, this has always been the case. I was raised Catholic but he has taken it to new levels. He insists on only going to Latin mass as this is traditional which means driving 30 minutes each way to church. He observes holy Friday’s as per an apparition which said to go to mass each Friday. This means he wishes or tried to take my son out of school.

This evening I agreed to go to football training with my ex husband and son, mainly because my child would get anxious if it was just my ex husband at pick up if he hadn’t planned. Football training went over time and we all agreed to drive to DS 8 favourite dinner place spontaneously and at his request. It’s a 20 minute drive and ex husband asked for all pray the rosary for 20 minutes agreeing I didn’t have to join in. I was happy to pray but requested that we do 10 minutes as DS is 8. I politely requested this as I said 20 after school is a bit much for a little kid. Ex husband said find you don’t have to sulking but insisted son remain praying. He then continued praying without me in a high pitch semi crying sulking voice.

Trying to build their relationship and encourage a balanced and middle ground as I really need the support.

would appreciate advice,

I really admire you for trying to build a positive relationship, but that behaviour does sound troubling. Obviously your ex has a right to his beliefs, but obeying an apparition and wanting to take your son out of school is alarming and making your son pray like that's just bullying. Surely your son will hate religion if it's imposed on him like that. Do you think your ex is mentally stable? From what you've said he sounds quite unwell.

I am sorry because it sounds like you could really do with some support, but your exH sounds deranged and I wouldn’t be leaving DS alone with him unless there is court ordered contact. The long term issues that will be created by letting your DS be alone with him for periods of time are far going to outweigh any short term benefits it may give you.

I'm be concerned you ex is heading into some sort of mental health crisis with the religious element a symptom rather than a cause. He sounds unstable and religious mania can take hold quite quickly.

I'm not sure why you want them to build a relationships in these circumstances. If you son wants contact (he may feel he 'has' to) then you will probably have to do more to supervise it, reducing it to the bare minimum.

If your son isn't enjoying the contact then it's probably better you don't facilitate it at all. If your ex takes you to court for a contact order then the issues you are encountering can be raised as a concern.

Could you speak to ex's Church priest and explain your concerns and ask if he can keep an eye on ex as well?

He seems to have gone a bit nuts with his religious fervour. I think you can only hope this is a phase he is going through and will wear off soon. Good idea to speak to the priest.

I don’t know why people assume mental breakdown when it’s anything else but if he was Islamic everyone just accepts they take time out of their day and kids’ days to pray and observe their religious holidays etc. but that’s another matter I guess.

op, you know him, is it religion, mental health or both. Religion can be very detrimental to kids even if well intentioned.

It sounds like he's having auditory and visual hallucinations (the apparition) and he's trying to interfere with your son's schooling because of that.

I would be consulting a lawyer ASAP. Trying to mess with his schooling and not letting him eat because of prolonged prayer is directly harmful to your son.

Why is your son refusing visits? I sure wouldn't do anything to facilitate them when it sounds like his dad's having serious mental health problems.

He doesn't sound well OP.

Don't. Anyone who lives his life according to the instructions of an apparition cannot be a responsible parent. He certainly doesn't have his child's best interests at heart, does he !

Supposing the 'apparition' told him to do something awful to your son. What then?

Your son is presumably at a normal school and knows that this is not normal or rational behaviour. I'd be encouraging only supervised contact, and asking your ex to get some mental health support.

I would also consult a solicitor over how you could protect your child's education.

You can't stop your ex from practicing religion in a specific and strict way, but he shouldn't be forcing it upon your child.

Especially not by trying to pull him from school, every Friday? That's ridiculous and no religion encourages that I'm sure. Otherwise Catholic schools would all be shut on Fridays which would be illegal if they're state funded.

Tell him it's fair enough to teach him about his faith, but that faith is a choice and other belief systems are available.

He should be taught there are lots of religions and ideas of spirituality and none are right or wrong, but nobody should force you to practice any one faith or shun you for not doing so.

I don't think OP means her ex had the apparition. It was some saint years ago. So I don't think he is the one hallucinating.

He's gone from being devout to being a nutter.

Keep your child away from this man. Your ds doesn't want to spend time with him anyway.

Why did you refuse to pray but not make it clear to your son that he could do likewise? Nobody of any age should be forced into religious observance. Is your son a believer? Yes, he's young but he's old enough to be told that he doesn't have to pretend to believe things he doesn't to appease his father, and even if he does currently believe what his father has taught him to, prayer that's forced presumably doesn't mean much to God, and praying doesn't have to mean praying the rosary for 20 minutes (or using the rosary at all). Defend the child's autonomy and right to think for himself along with your own.

I think you should talk to your/your ex’s priest. This behaviour is definitely not normal and would not be encouraged by even the most conservative RCs.
The mention of an apparition is indicative of mental health problems.

For those saying we would not be taking this view if the DH was a Moslem and insisted on praying several times a day -the difference is that mainstream Islam supports that interpretation so a Moslem would not be acting unusually. Even Opus Dei would not be arguing for this.

I would also discuss with your DC’s school. Is it an RC school? They may be able to offer support.

You are all getting the wrong end of the stick here. .it wasn't the OP's ' ex having the apparitions. It was saint around 500 years ago urging folk to go to mass on nine consecutive first Fridays of the month. Thats what her ex is doing. I personally don't believe in the validity of apparitions.

Sorry to be clear, it was a Marion apparition. This is when a vision of Mother Mary appears to people eg in Lourdes. This one is in a country and I think it has been semi authorised by Catholic Church. It essentially delivers messages and this message was to go to church for 5 consecutive Fridays or certain feast days I think.

I Have no problems with the above. My issue is his interpretation that a child also do it & that he goes to mass 45 minutes away because he believes it has to be in Latin.

Hes essentially following a traditional or revised version of the modern catholic church and tweaking it and applying it to family life and children in a way that’s a bit extreme.

Yes sorry I think you have the correct version, I’m unsure if the specifics.

In any case he doesn’t do things by halves and it is impacting my son. My little boy is “happy”
to do it but I suspect doesn’t want to unsettle him or cause disappointment because of sulking like this evening and is desperate to keep him happy. DS8 has said he wants to continue visiting but often gets anxiety and decides not to go. As my ex husband lived with his very locket parents (despite being fully employed) I don’t worry so much about visits - except that it causes DS 8 worry sometimes.

Excessive religiosity is mental illness. I wouldn’t pray with him at all, ever. He’s having a breakdown and needs a doctor.

I think the point of my post is that he is so convincing and manipulative that I start to think I’m the issue. Even though I’ve left, the co parenting is suffocating and I constantly feel in moral dilemmas over whether I’m stopping religion and being evil and wrong, hard to know when you’re in it.

Ex husband is ocd and anxious and just very silent and vague and controlling. He is a nice person and happy and it’s easy to forget and go along with things.

I Really don’t have many people and so it’s just terrifying. I worry for my son being an only child and very few family members on my side and a crazy Dad.

I can’t ask him basic parenting questions as it always goes back to religion and how I’m not strict enough and should homeschool & how our son shouldn’t do football as it falls on Sunday or do water polo as they wear speedos swimming pants instead of shorts and that it’s odd and sexualising children. There is always some moral dilemmas like us listening to Taylor swift.

DS8 was scared tonight as I mentioned Glee club and he was so stressed that his Dad heard.

I feel scared at times & isolated knowing there is so little support and places to turn and I have basically no family. It is hard to raise a child alone like this. That’s not why I went to dinner. I was honestly trying to facilitate a visit and keep everyone happy.

The relationship doesn't sound very healthy for your son. I would put a stop to it for a while. Don't forget, parental contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the child, not the parent.

Convincing, manipulative, messing with your head, seeming nice but controlling, all this is abuser signs, and the religiosity is a red flag. He might be a narcissist from what you’ve said. You need to edge him out of your life and stand firm. You have my every sympathy. Find your NO and keep to it.

Let him do his religion but make it clear he has to respect what others would prefer when you spend time together. Twenty minutes praying? I would’ve used that time to take my son home. He’s found a great way of making sure his son doesn’t want to be alone with him.

Thankyou. DS8 has confided they pray repeatedly the rosary for 40 minutes every Sunday. I did not know this & I will be revising visits.

I am religious and this is not normal...

Could it be that the increase in religiosity is linked to online radicalisation? I am saying this because what's been a plague in Islam is increasingly observable across Christian denominations. The thing about Latin mass is especially telling - that is promoted by RC bishops who want to reject modern Catholicism. They are really something else. Usually, they are also linked to pro Putin and pro Orban far right organisations.