Am I overreacting, or is this unreasonable housemate behaviour from my sister?

[SunflowerGerbil]

Hi all,

I’m after some perspective.

My sister flew back to the UK for a few weeks and I’ve been left with her dog. I live with her and her husband, and although I wasn’t directly asked to look after the dog, it was very much assumed I would. I work long hours (10 hour days including commute) and by the time I get home, I’m exhausted but the dog hasn’t been walked, let out for the toilet, or fed lunch all day.

When I raised this, she said her in-laws would come by to help, but they’ve only shown up three times in over a week and twice it was in the evening, after I was already home. I feel really uncomfortable that the dog is being left so long, but I’m also overwhelmed and didn’t ask to be responsible. When I raised this again, she said that they (in-laws) will come by when and if they can, so I’ve since had to adjust my work schedule to include two WFH days while they’re away so the dog has company.

I’m paying her €100/week in rent (this includes bills and things like cleaning supplies), but before she left she didn’t restock the house, no toilet paper, barely any cleaning products, and a load of her laundry sitting there. None of this was mentioned or discussed. I feel like if I don’t wash her clothes or replace the household things, she’ll quietly hold it against me and sigh out loud about all the washing she has to do.

Then there’s the electricity. She’s checking it remotely and noticed a spike (from €1.50/day to €10/day). I think I may have accidentally left the heater on since Sunday, it was switched off but I think the thermostat was on, I’ve since unplugged it, and I’ve been very careful since. I live alone while she’s away and have left a hallway light on at night for comfort. I use the eco setting on the washer, solar heats the water, I batch cook and reheat in the microwave. Nothing extravagant.

I now feel like I’m being watched in my own home. I suspect her in-laws were told about the electricity as when I got home last night, my plug sockets had been turned off, something I definitely didn’t do. That means someone entered my bedroom while I was at work. I feel completely invaded, especially because I had some personal items out that I wouldn’t expect anyone to see.

It’s not just about the electricity anymore, it’s the total lack of boundaries. I’ve started viewing new rooms to rent (€120–€225/week) because for my sanity, I need to move. She’s pregnant and I’ve been told to "keep the peace" and not say anything, but I feel like I’m tiptoeing around and being silently judged for how I exist in the house.

Is this an overreaction? Or would you also feel like your space, time, and trust are being disrespected? Should I just replenish the household items and do her washing to “keep the peace”?

Try and move asap, for your own peace of mind 😊
Wishing you good luck.

Definitely be on the lookout for a new place.
But surely you could do a wee bit of washing clothes for or her ? It's just a case of turning a switch after all, and would be a nice thing to do. Can you get a dog walker once a day ?
I hope you have bought loo roll by now !

How long before she gets back?. Is it normally OK apart from this period she Is away?

The dog situation is out of order. You pay her under market rate, I think, if possible, do the washing and a bit of shopping. In a house share you'd be asked to pay for the heating you've wasted. The usage of cleaning stuff etc isn't always fair and then there's the sharing with strangers and putting up with their guests/family/whoever they are dating. Who's telling you to keep the peace? They might have a better view of the situation.

I definitely agree that I pay under market, but also contribute in other ways through childcare. Rentals range from €120+ per week depending on how many live in the house and location. I was paying less rent when I first moved in, but was providing more childcare and support.

Once I started this job and the long days commenced, I was less available and she increased my rent. I still provide childcare when needed and alternate my WFH days if someone needs to be collected.

When she increased it the last time, she added that a portion of the money is toward bills and cleaning products. These are items I would’ve picked up regardless prior to the rent increase if I noticed something was running low or empty. We both benefit from the situation, but boundaries are now being overstepped.

Her in-laws texted asking if I got to the bottom of the electricity situation, confirming they were in my room and plugged out the appliance.

Another 7 days. She has her moments, but our last big blow up was October/November. I keep my space clean, tidy up after myself, clean the bathroom after use and often help with the big weekend cleans (when I’m home). I’ll also clean the house prior to her coming home, which I have maintained, but more of a Spring clean.

You should definitely be buying toilet paper and cleaning products when it’s only you that is there. You shouldn’t have expected her to stock up for you in advance.

It is difficult living with family like this. In a normal rental situation, you’d be sharing responsibility for this sort of thing, but you wouldn’t have been left looking after the dog.

I think you’re both being unreasonable.

Of course, loo roll was the first thing I bought (and an industrial size pack so there’ll be plenty left for when she returns). I don’t want to give her any reason to be mad at me so being the pushover I am, I will probably do all the washing.

Within my weekly rent, there is a contribution for cleaning products and other household essentials. Prior to her increasing it, these were items I bought regardless within my own weekly shop or as and when I noticed they were empty. I agree we’re both being somewhat unreasonable but thing lines have been blurred and boundaries crossed by having her in-laws go into my room!

i think you're going to get a lot of replies telling you to "just move out" like its that simple cause many people on here miss the point entirely

tno you're not over reacting, he in-laws poking their noses in would be too much for me, it all sounds very frustrating and i would personally ignore their messages

i do think replenishing the loo roll and that is a shared job so you should do that, the washing sure if you're doing a load, maybe lay low and have a proper chat when she gets back

I wouldn’t be happy that in laws had entered my room however equally if the electricity is suddenly up I’d also be worried that you’ve left something on that might be a problem.

Most if the rest of it is a question of improving communication. Yes you should be buying loo roll etc - in a housemate situation if one went home for a month they wouldn’t buy enough loo roll/etc to last you.
you should have discussed the dog with her before she went.

it does sound like you are getting reduced rent in return for doing some childcare/jobs around the house and you should probably (if you want to stay) sit down with her and write down exactly what the agreement is.

Move out ASAP and take the poor Dog with you

It doesn't seem like you see yourself as an adult who has to pay her own way. You are very focused on how you pay £100 per week rent and think that should include all cleaning products. Are you a low earner?

Leaving a heater on for days is something a teenager might do as they don't pay the bills. It's bizarre that your sister was remotely checking electricity useage but her distrust doesn't seem unjustified.

Did you post about this at the time? It all seems rather familiar.

She’s unreasonable about the dog, no question. The rest of it - meh. That is really quite the surge in electricity usage and I can understand her wanting to get to the bottom of it.

Move out and pay market rates. Your relationship with her pay improve as a result.

She shouldn’t have left the dog with no care during the day. Someone else should be coming in to walk the dog and spend some time with it, so she is being unreasonable there. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect you to feed said dog, that takes seconds. And I’m not remotely surprised she’s upset about the electricity. That was a massive increase and you are very casual about it “oh I forgot”. Your €100 per week won’t go far if the electricity is €10 a day!
TBH it does sound like you depend on her. I’d be looking to move out and stand on my own two feet.

They probably asked their in laws to check the heater in your room. They should have mentioned that to you but it had to be turned off and you hadn’t noticed it was on. Your room must’ve got pretty hot with it on 24 hours a day. Having caused such an unnecessary big increase in the bill, I think I would eat humble pie and share the cleaning products you have bought and do the laundry they have left. The only work involved with that is hanging it up to dry, the machine does the rest.

Lodging with family can often be problematic because the lines between financial obligations and favours are easily blurred. Find somewhere else to live for the sake of your sanity and your relationship with them.

But I do think it was crappy of them not to ensure their dog had the care it needed while they were away. If they weren’t absolutely sure who would be caring for it during the day they should have used kennels

Sorry, but are you youngest and it's more of a parental relationship?
€100 a WEEK including all bills?! Wow, what a deal, plus you've left an electric heater on for 5 days without noticing, that will be v costly!
The fact that you're complaining about having to buy a loo roll?! Ridiculous!

You're not housemates. You're a lodger. And paying under market as it's a relative. It's never going to be an easy situation as she has someone else constantly there and isn't really getting proper payment so she probably thinks you "owe" her.
Personally I'd do the washing and the purchases needed. Maybe factor that in as part of the deal going forward. The dog is difficult because she knows your hours. Ultimately she's arranged in laws to come to help and so you have to just accept that is what it is. It's not reasonable of her and unacceptable they went into your room but that's the challenge with lodging rather than renting. It's not really 100pc private space.
Either accept that or find somewhere else and pay a lot more. Difficult for you. Sorry

Sorry, I should have clarified that there is no heater in my room. There’s only one fixed in the living area.

You pay well under market rate and that includes the cleaning products etc - you won't get a deal like that in a shared house! Yes it's unreasonable to be annoyed about that - you're getting a good deal here. The dog thing is annoying but honestly you don't sound very mature and you may find living with other housemates a bit of a shock in comparison.

You shouldn’t have to replace the cleaning products and loo roll if you have already ‘paid for this’ but on the other hand it was wasteful to leave the heater on so your are quits.

The issues with the dog and In laws in your room is awful.

Your should just leave her laundry . It’s nothing to do with you.

It sounds like there is more bad than good here. Who wants to live with a new born - you’ll struggle to sleep / work from home.

I would move out . I don’t think you are being respected here.

I’m very mature and considerate, I understand this situation benefits them as much as I benefit from it. Their in laws have even acknowledged that. I’ve lived in share houses previously without any issues, I just feel lined and boundaries can be blurred when living with family. I have told her I intend on moving out prior to baby arriving and she told me I don’t have to as the baby will sleep in their room, and the extra income will help them as she goes on maternity.

Just to update, I’m now assuming the heater wasn’t left on as her in laws texted me to ask if I figured it out. I said I wasn’t sure but assumed the heater which they advised wasn’t on. I’m unsure what caused the spike and if it is has since been fixed.

Time to look for a new place to live.

Don't be daft.

its not her dog & she works 19 hour days. She can't inflict that on the dog or other housemates.

@SunflowerGerbil you live with your sister & her family. You're not housemates, you're a lodger. Are you sure they still want you living with them?

as your rent includes cleaning stuff/loo roll etc, yes, the house should have been adequately stocked before she left.

as you resent doing her washing & said several times about her being moody if you find, it's sounding like you'd be better moving out before things get beyond restoring the relationship.

the in-laws should not have been in your room while you were out. End of.
As for the poor dog, she should have sorted the situation out properly before she went away!!