Am I overreacting, or is this unreasonable housemate behaviour from my sister?

[SunflowerGerbil]

Hi all,

I’m after some perspective.

My sister flew back to the UK for a few weeks and I’ve been left with her dog. I live with her and her husband, and although I wasn’t directly asked to look after the dog, it was very much assumed I would. I work long hours (10 hour days including commute) and by the time I get home, I’m exhausted but the dog hasn’t been walked, let out for the toilet, or fed lunch all day.

When I raised this, she said her in-laws would come by to help, but they’ve only shown up three times in over a week and twice it was in the evening, after I was already home. I feel really uncomfortable that the dog is being left so long, but I’m also overwhelmed and didn’t ask to be responsible. When I raised this again, she said that they (in-laws) will come by when and if they can, so I’ve since had to adjust my work schedule to include two WFH days while they’re away so the dog has company.

I’m paying her €100/week in rent (this includes bills and things like cleaning supplies), but before she left she didn’t restock the house, no toilet paper, barely any cleaning products, and a load of her laundry sitting there. None of this was mentioned or discussed. I feel like if I don’t wash her clothes or replace the household things, she’ll quietly hold it against me and sigh out loud about all the washing she has to do.

Then there’s the electricity. She’s checking it remotely and noticed a spike (from €1.50/day to €10/day). I think I may have accidentally left the heater on since Sunday, it was switched off but I think the thermostat was on, I’ve since unplugged it, and I’ve been very careful since. I live alone while she’s away and have left a hallway light on at night for comfort. I use the eco setting on the washer, solar heats the water, I batch cook and reheat in the microwave. Nothing extravagant.

I now feel like I’m being watched in my own home. I suspect her in-laws were told about the electricity as when I got home last night, my plug sockets had been turned off, something I definitely didn’t do. That means someone entered my bedroom while I was at work. I feel completely invaded, especially because I had some personal items out that I wouldn’t expect anyone to see.

It’s not just about the electricity anymore, it’s the total lack of boundaries. I’ve started viewing new rooms to rent (€120–€225/week) because for my sanity, I need to move. She’s pregnant and I’ve been told to "keep the peace" and not say anything, but I feel like I’m tiptoeing around and being silently judged for how I exist in the house.

Is this an overreaction? Or would you also feel like your space, time, and trust are being disrespected? Should I just replenish the household items and do her washing to “keep the peace”?

Yes, €100 including bills but I also help with childcare. Rooms locally range from €120 onward. It’s quite an affordable area to live. I will definitely move out prior to baby being born, and have viewings lined up for this weekend and next.

It’s not an electric heater, but more of a split unit and my in-laws have since confirmed no heater was on when they came across to check on the dog.

She made a point of increasing rent to factor in household essentials, as I pay a contribution weekly toward these I felt it was somewhat unfair but understand that reasoning is now unreasonable.

When she announced she was expecting, I told her I intended to move out prior to babies arrival. She said that I didn’t need to, baby would be sleeping in their room, and it would also help them out as she will be going on mat leave (reduced pay).

Her partner also said they enjoy having me here, and it helps them out when they’re not around to collect the kids as my work is more flexible than theirs.

Their in-laws have even acknowledged we both benefit from the situation, and his aunty reassured me if they no longer wanted me living here, my brother in law would be vocal about it.

The dog situation is unreasonable, but 10€ a day on electricity when occupying the house solo would have cost 300€ for the month instead of the usual 45€, and you only pay 100€ to cover rent and bills and cleaning supplies... Yes, you are both unreasonable and as others say, this kind of arrangement with family rarely works long term, it should just be a stop gap for "emergency" or transitional situations, with a fixed end date!

The house shares you're looking at at the lower end of the price range almost certainly won't include bills (or cleaning supplies - you'd only get that included as a lodger) and you'll have to do your equal share of cleaning - not just when you happen to be home. It does sound as though you're living a lot like an older teenage daughter than an adult sister atm - but for everyone's sake including your own you should prioritise finding your own accommodation with a proper, clear cut, contact.

I understand that, and have offered to pay more in the past which they have rejected. I do my equal share of cleaning (dishes daily, including everyone’s dishes) and assist with the big cleans when I’m home, otherwise the house is in pretty good condition. If I’m vacuuming my room, I’ll also vacuum the hallway and other areas nearby.

However, I don’t clean up after my nieces as they’re not my children, and wouldn’t clean up after a housemates children either. I also do not clean up after the dog as he is not my dog, and wouldn’t clean up after someone else’s dog either. I feel this is stock standard.

You pay under market rate i wouldnt mention loo roll! However its cruel on the dog, she knows your not home most of the day.
i would look to move out.

I hope you find a place you like when you're looking.

Be straight with In laws they don’t go in your room or your leaving - that would seriously upset me as it’s an invasion of space.

You are not helping the situation about obsessing about the details regarding bills, dog, childcare and electricity. Endlessly discussing it will not give you the confidence to make a decision.

The point is you need to move out!

She is gonna have a baby and soon you will be COMPLETELY lumbered with helping her. And moving out when she has JUST given birth will cause much more trouble.

Move out now while you can!!

If she LIKED you living there she wouldn't be such a PITA and setting her in laws on you.
Smell the coffee and move out!

I read this and thought of the The Parent-Adult-Child model (its concept within Transactional Analysis)

You are attempting adult / adult
she has you in "child" amd she is the parent monitioring your utility usage and having in laws "check on you" and if you did your "chores"

If i read correctly...she has a toddler and soon a baby so her life is going through a tonne of upheaval.
I'd get out (irrespective of how useful your rent is for them 🙄) because you are unlikely to have a productive conversation with her about this while shes in this position.

As possible context 2 kids close together does weird thing to people. my generally normal DH became slightly deranged with policing my use of heating / electric when i was pregnant ... underpining it all was sheet terror at financial obligations of 2 x kids in a COL crisis.
So need for control might explain some of the weirdness.
The dog is just her taking you for granted and viewing you as "the help"

Since they need you as much as you jeed them then sit them down and have a discussion. Tell them you were not happy they left the dog without any discussion and plan. If thwy are going away again, they need to have a proper plan in place because you work. You are happy to help with the dog but are very limited in the help you can give. Also tell them you don't want the in laws to go in your room again. You have to figure out whats causing the electricity spike immediately and if its you fault apologise profusely and offer to help with the cost.

It's hard living with people . It would be nice for you to stay with your sister for longer so that you can save more and you can be part of their village for your nueve/nephew . You just all need to understand each other. If she is giving you attitude and/or grief then definitely move out!

It’s always tricky living with family. They overstep and assume. I’m guessing she is your big sister? She absolutely should have sorted out the dog. beforehand. Despite you paying more now maybe she still feels like she is subsidising you and that favours constitute part rent?

I do think moving out will probsbly be best in long run. Otherwise resentment builds and someone explodes and it’s hard to get back from. Much easier to have a relationship as equals in your own places.

Get out before the baby comes or you'll be looking after baby /dog /sister more than you'd want to!

What would you do if the electricity jumps from £1.50 to £10 a day?. Obviously there is an issue here

I'm thinking maybe move out but somewhere close by so that you can still be close to them and help out sometimes. It's best you move out.how many kids do they have. Sounds like a lot😨

You’re right to be annoyed about the dog; I’d suck up buying supplies. I wouldn’t like the surveillance - maybe you were batch cooking and did all the laundry one day? Standing charges are £4 a day for me.
Her in laws should stay out of your room - I’d put a notice on the door saying private and ask them to come during the day only when you’re out except for dog walking.
I wish you luck in finding a room in a house share - tell everyone you know to spread the word.

Not really relevant, but I know a few people who have had solar panels installed and they have all become weirdly obsessive about their electricity usage - constantly checking the app and having a go at the people still in the house for boiling the kettle when it was dark etc.

€10 per day is excessive though and I wouldn't be happy if I got back and you'd racked up €140 in bills (accidentally or not) - I'd be doing all her washing to make up for it! 😂

That’s not being a pushover. That’s just being a decent person.
Move out and make your own way in the world. This arrangement will ruin your relationship with your sister.

I thought it was just her and her husband with the dog, I didn't know ow there were other kids. Sounds v hectic, save yourself ASAP. help them when you can after you move out!

Even if you move out you’ll be asked to help with babysitting, dog sitting or collecting the toddler/childvare. Are you prepared to do that if you will be living nearby? If you are then you may be better off staying and sucking up the blurred lines of the lodger/sisters relationship.

When she announced she was expecting, I told her I intended to move out prior to babies arrival. She said that I didn’t need to

It's not up to her-just do it.

This isn't working for anyone and your relationship will massively improve. You're paying the sort of rent a teenager might pay in their first job-I think it would be better for you to live more independently.

Your sister sounds like she's taking the piss. If she was concerned about the electricity usage, why couldn't she just ask you rather than involving her in laws? They can't be arsed to look after her dog but will happily go over and poke about in your room to stir the pot?!

I bet DS and BIL will lose out more than you do from this arrangement when you move into your own place. They like the idea of having you on hand for convenient childcare and dog care but begrudge buying toilet paper and letting you use electricity. Good luck to them in finding someone else to provide last minute ad hoc child and dog care so cheaply!

YANBU at all, but I’d talk to her before doing anything drastic. Say how you feel - that you feel she is watching you, that you feel taken advantage of re the dog, etc.

say you feel you should pay no rent these weeks as you are looking after the dog - how much would a dog sitter cost? She is being selfish and VU leaving this to you.