AIBU to not want my autistic child to have sleepovers with family?

[Prettybirds]

I feel uneasy about letting my son have a sleepover with family, I am extremely grateful they love him and are wanting him to stay over, but before I answer them, I’d like to know if I’m just being overprotective or not.

Before I found out he had autism, I always thought I’d be fine with sleepovers, but my son is now 3 years old, tries eloping, opening and unlocking doors and windows every chance he gets, he loves water, he has no understanding of danger, he loves turning the oven on and trying to play with the stove, etc… and I no longer feel confident letting him sleep over, AT ALL.
My parents have a swimming pool and they offered to look after him while my husband and I go on a weekend away, and I am just too scared he will venture outside in the garden. They also have big guard dogs that are not familiar with my son, and he loves dogs.

We are visiting other family members too and I know they will ask to have him stay over (we will be staying in a hotel), they don’t have a pool or dogs but I am also scared of leaving with him with them as I don’t know if they will be as strict taking measures to avoid him getting hurt.
They only see him a few times a year so they’re not really familiar with his level of needs.

He’s eloped multiple times and we have had to install extra locks, alarms, make sure the windows can’t be opened, put the keys out of reach, put a lock on the kitchen door etc…

Am I unreasonable?

My son wouldn’t mind staying, he wouldn’t really “miss” my husband and I per se.

I’m normally in the “let them sleep over” camp, but I think he’s still a bit too young and there are too many dangers.

Would your parents come and stay at your place while you are away? It sounds much safer.

Don't do it until YOU feel happy about.

You’re not being unreasonable at all..
but you need to work towards this being possible so you can have a break…
is there an option to do some practice runs? Maybe they could come and stay and actively observe your routines and then take over some of those routines before they look after your son in your home without you present for one night? Then gradually build it up. They’ll get to know him better and you can be confidant that if they offer to take him for any period of time they know what they’re doing and what risks they need to mitigate?

edit to say you don’t need to do anything and you should only do what you are comfortable with and at a pace that suits you.

They live abroad so it’s harder.

We are visiting my home country and staying away in a different city for a couple of days.

No. The swimming pool would be a major concern for me with small children, and especially with one who tries to escape all the time. Just no.

You are ANBU. You know him best so keep him safe ❤️

The dogs would make it a no for me. Even if ds was older. The pool would be another one if he could potentially let himself out x

Ps. Elope means to run away and get married 😂 ❤️

Oh my bad!! 😂😂
Not what I meant

You made me smile saying eloped I must say, which was lovely. But he is your child and by the sounds of things a little escape artist, who knows no danger. You need to make sure he is safe and safe from himself too not just the usual dangers that 4 year olds get into, In this case I would say no to him staying without you and if they don't understand that is on them x

Just to make you feel better, the term elope/elopement is often used when referring to children (especially those with autism) wandering away.

What To Do When Your Child Elopes
Elopement in Autism: How to Create Your Safety Plan
What causes Autism Elopement in kids with autism? — Curriculum For Autism

Go with your gut and don’t let him stay over. Explain the reasons to your parents/family and to try to show them how “bad” it could get, say that he could leave the door open all night, run away and not be found etc! Obv this is scare mongering a bit but fine to say to show them how it might not be safe

I think you are being very sensible. Our dc was very similar when little, we didn’t do sleepovers. You had to know him really well to predict what crazy thing he may do next now nearly a teen and still rather crazy and still things we prefer to supervise even now (he has been diagnosed with adhd). At your child’s age we had a fall out with family members as we refused to let him stay with another family member who had a pool. They did have a pool fence but it wasn’t that high and the gate wasn’t that difficult and although you may have been able to trust some kids with it we knew ours would have got over the fence or worked out the gate in seconds and it wasn’t worth the risk. In the end your child’s safety comes first and with neuro diverse children they can be harder to predict what they are capable of unless you know them well.

Having an autistic child, we couldn't let them sleep over before the age of 10. We had to predict the worst case scenarios of what could happen and it was a definite no.

Apart from DS and BIL who knew them well and how to handle the behaviour and even then it only a couple of times of year.

It’s often used when referring to kids with SEND who run off

Myself and my ex never let our children sleep over anyones house until they were 16, so you do what's right for you.

I think your worries are valid, my DS is a flight-risk when scared, and my parents don't understand all of his needs or triggers. I would be worried in your case about the pool and the dogs. My DS is now 14, he did recently run away from my parents house when he was scared, and they were physically unable to go after him.

Dear OP, children with autism are at significantly higher risk of drowning for many reasons. You know what's best for your son, sending hugs x

No is a simple answer and anyone who loves you will respect it.

“It wasn’t worth the risk”.

That really.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to use the term elope/elopement. It's the medical term for this behavior of a child or adult who absconds a sheltered environment.

Nope, the swimming pool and the dogs equal a big fat no.

I say this as the owner of two very soppy but huge dogs and a grandmother to two girls who are scared of the bouncier of the two dogs.

I look after the girls a lot, but ALWAYS at their home,where there are no scary big dogs.

I will say one thing though, I am MUCH more careful and attentive with my grandchildren than I was with my own children. Not that I was neglectful of mine,as such. I just feel I have to justify if anything goes wrong to their parents, I guess.

Anyway, YANBU. It's no break with someone else looking after him if you are anxious all the time he's there.

Oh, and, the absolute kicker, your child,your rules. You say no, so no it is, no matter why!

My youngest is 8, has adhd and isn’t as badly affected as your son by the sounds of things. He’s never had a sleepover without me in the house, except at his dad’s. We’re going to try at my parents next summer probably once he is 9.

I think going by everything you have described I wouldn't allow it either