AIBU to not want my autistic child to have sleepovers with family?

[Prettybirds]

I feel uneasy about letting my son have a sleepover with family, I am extremely grateful they love him and are wanting him to stay over, but before I answer them, I’d like to know if I’m just being overprotective or not.

Before I found out he had autism, I always thought I’d be fine with sleepovers, but my son is now 3 years old, tries eloping, opening and unlocking doors and windows every chance he gets, he loves water, he has no understanding of danger, he loves turning the oven on and trying to play with the stove, etc… and I no longer feel confident letting him sleep over, AT ALL.
My parents have a swimming pool and they offered to look after him while my husband and I go on a weekend away, and I am just too scared he will venture outside in the garden. They also have big guard dogs that are not familiar with my son, and he loves dogs.

We are visiting other family members too and I know they will ask to have him stay over (we will be staying in a hotel), they don’t have a pool or dogs but I am also scared of leaving with him with them as I don’t know if they will be as strict taking measures to avoid him getting hurt.
They only see him a few times a year so they’re not really familiar with his level of needs.

He’s eloped multiple times and we have had to install extra locks, alarms, make sure the windows can’t be opened, put the keys out of reach, put a lock on the kitchen door etc…

Am I unreasonable?

My son wouldn’t mind staying, he wouldn’t really “miss” my husband and I per se.

I definitely would not be letting a 3 year old sleep over at grandparents’ nor anyone else’s house if they have a pool and 2 (or any number) of guard dogs whether autistic or not.
When my own children were small I was very wary of ponds and paddling pools. A child can drown in just a couple of inches of water. Even if your son wasn’t known to let himself out of the house and have no fear of water his grandparents would have to be super-vigilant with a swimming pool.
Guard dogs are expected to be on the alert to strangers. Your son is a stranger to them. He would have to become familiar to them for his safety. What breed are they? Are they family pets too or are they strictly guard dogs?

The reality for us is that my DS who is autistic needs to be with me overnight. He needs a much higher level of attention, awareness and supervision than an NT child. It just wouldn’t be safe for him to have a sleep over with family, too many unknowns that just make it too unsafe. At home he is safely locked in with windows locked or limited and main door bolted. House is cleansed of as many dangers as possible and I know all his habits at home. That’s the reality, that’s just how it is. I give no apologies and he doesn’t stay elsewhere. It only takes one elopement and he would be done, he has no danger awareness.

No if you don't think they can keep him safe then he doesn't go my son is severely autistic and 15 now ,the only sleep overs he has are overnight respite stays and he's looked after by trained staff.

YANBU at all. The swimming pool and the guard dog would put me off for a non-disabled child, but given that he's autistic with no/little sense of danger, and a habit for escaping... it's a hard no. They can't know him well at all if they are suggesting it. If they want to help you they need to secure the swimming pool and the dog while you're staying.

As an aside, are you claiming DLA for your son? Sounds as if he would be eligible.

Also, if they don't see each other very often then it's too much to go from little contact to overnights. This is true for any child and especially an autistic one. If you did want to work towards being able to leave him with them, I would suggest more regular time together if possible (I realise you live in different countries) and starting small ie they look after him for 2-3 hours during the day first, or babysit in the evening, etc.