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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help or advice. Trigger warning DV/pregnancy

49 replies

Lissybel · 11/06/2025 18:52

and demanding I abort. We spent a weekend away together and when I explained I didn’t want to, he demanded I must because it was cause a problem with his precarious relationship with his teenage daughter. He then restrained me in a hug, bent my fingers, threw me in the garden chair, pushed me to the ground, sat on me, pulled my hair and face, grabbed me by the throat, screamed I would ruin his relationship with his DD, said I could not leave and have his child, I am evil, wrong and grabbed me by the throat some more, threw me against a bookshelf (my back is bruised), raged in my face, pulled the hair at the side of my face in my french plait, pulled my face, raised his fist to hit me, hit the wall, pushed me into a corner. After he acted like I was making g it all up and I refused to let him. He then became fearful, explained he was frightened and is ashamed. He had an off moment when he declared over lunch he has had enough of life. He thought I was leaving him at that point. I chilled out towards him and he said he is not extremely sorry, he won’t hurt me again and has never done this before. He is acting as though it never happened and isn’t responding to my remarks about the bruising and blocked my brother on FB who is livid with him. He wants me to report this asap. I am so confused to what happened, what this is and if he is dangerous and has a hidden mental illness or was abusive before and that is why his ex and child do not want anything to do with him. Cheers. I’m freaking out so bad.

OP posts:
Sosostressedandanxious · 11/06/2025 19:24

You need to report this to the police OP.

You need to leave this man. He will be violent to you again and you are in danger.

Have you seen a doctor ? You really need to get yourself checked over especially because of your pregnancy.

DiscoDancingDoris · 11/06/2025 19:26

Police

Run for the hills
Get a Claires law disclosure on the man too

Lissybel · 11/06/2025 19:32

What’s a Claire’s Law?

OP posts:
sickandsleepy · 11/06/2025 19:33

OP, he WILL do this again and likely HAS done this before.

PLEASE I am begging you, get away from him before this gets worse, which it WILL. Report it when you’re ready, but get away.

I promise you, you are worth more than this, and nothing you can ever say or do warrants that response. Domestic violence only gets worse during pregnancy, don’t turn into a statistic.

DMs open if you need 💐

Swiftie1878 · 11/06/2025 19:35

Lissybel · 11/06/2025 19:32

What’s a Claire’s Law?

It gives you the right to ask the police if he has any history of DV.

FortyElephants · 11/06/2025 19:35

How can you ask if he is dangerous?? He attacked you. You need to report it to police, immediately.

CharlieUniformNovemberTango2023 · 11/06/2025 19:36

Claires law is a request you put into the police. It will tell you if he has been abusive towards women in the past.

Please leave this man and never look back. Report him to the police. If he can do it once he can do it again.

xPenelopePitstop · 11/06/2025 19:36

Report to the police ASAP

Are you married?

Where are you now? Are you safe?

Have you been to hospital? Do you have a midwife?

Do you have family you can confide in?

sparkellie · 11/06/2025 19:38

You need to leave. And don't let him know you are going either.
This is who he is. And this is how he acts when he doesn't get what he wants. He may or may not be having a breakdown/mental health issue but it doesn't change what he has done. I would bet my life's savings he has done this before - if not to you to someone else.
I cannot say this clearly enough you are not safe anywhere near him.
Leave. Report to the police. And don't let him know where you are or how to find you. You need to completely cut contact with him. He is dangerous.

Lissybel · 11/06/2025 19:51

@xPenelopePitstop we don’t live together. Nearby. I0 miles away.

I haven’t said anything to him to make him suspicious that I’m thinking of leaving him & reporting. Right now he’s being all sweet & loving. It’s plain weird that he’s acting like it never happened & tried to make out I’m overreacting when he is forced to. It was scary & like two different people altogether. I was terrified. How could he turn

OP posts:
Lissybel · 11/06/2025 20:02

@Sosostressedandanxious im ok. Please know that I’m not hurt or my baby. As for him, it’s not like I can prove he did. His word over mine.

OP posts:
FortyElephants · 11/06/2025 20:04

Lissybel · 11/06/2025 20:02

@Sosostressedandanxious im ok. Please know that I’m not hurt or my baby. As for him, it’s not like I can prove he did. His word over mine.

You have bruises

cestlavielife · 11/06/2025 20:06

Report him
Now
Leave

MiloMinderbinder925 · 11/06/2025 20:09

Please contact the National Domestic Abuse helpline who are available 24/7. He's grabbed you by the throat which is an indicator of possible homicide.

It doesn't matter what's wrong with him, what matters is if you are safe from him. Please end the relationship and see your GP to make sure you're OK and document the abuse.

IOYOYO · 11/06/2025 20:15

I think it’s already been mentioned upthread, but domestic violence rates rise significantly in pregnancy - you are especially vulnerable, physically, emotionally, financially…the list goes on. If you choose to have the baby with him your child will experience this too.

Op honestly, the only thing to do now is to call the police and make sure you’re somewhere safe. I’m glad your brother is in the picture. Go to police whilst it’s still fresh in your mind and you have marks on your body. You can also take photos. It may very well be that he has form for this and the police know of him…. But either way, please don’t stick around long enough to understand what his issues are.

You deserve more than anything he can offer and what you’ve seen is likely the tip of the iceberg. Be safe.

sickandsleepy · 11/06/2025 20:21

Lissybel · 11/06/2025 20:02

@Sosostressedandanxious im ok. Please know that I’m not hurt or my baby. As for him, it’s not like I can prove he did. His word over mine.

Please don’t feel like because you can’t prove it you have to put up with it. You are in danger, you need to get away!

You have bruises and marks from what he did. Take photographs and keep them in a pin coded gallery. It doesn’t have to be this way.

WhereAreWeNow · 11/06/2025 20:29

@Lissybel your post just made me cry. I'm so sorry he did that to you.

Please follow the advice others have given here to protect yourself and your baby.

He's shown you a glimpse of your future life with him. Now imagine him doing that in front of your child. Imagine him doing that to your child. You can't let that happen.

Lissybel · 11/06/2025 20:41

@WhereAreWeNow oh I am v sorry. I feel bad it has done that. I’m safe & making a plan. Part of it is not letting him around my baby

OP posts:
sl0th · 11/06/2025 21:04

Lissybel · 11/06/2025 19:51

@xPenelopePitstop we don’t live together. Nearby. I0 miles away.

I haven’t said anything to him to make him suspicious that I’m thinking of leaving him & reporting. Right now he’s being all sweet & loving. It’s plain weird that he’s acting like it never happened & tried to make out I’m overreacting when he is forced to. It was scary & like two different people altogether. I was terrified. How could he turn

Please, please leave him and report this to the police!

It WILL happen again! His apologies and denials are classic for abusers, I know it's easy to get sucked in by them, but take it from someone who's been there, any apologies from him mean absolutely nothing. It'll be the same cycle and words after the next time, and the time after that...

Endofyear · 11/06/2025 21:12

Lissybel · 11/06/2025 20:02

@Sosostressedandanxious im ok. Please know that I’m not hurt or my baby. As for him, it’s not like I can prove he did. His word over mine.

Not this time, although I'm sure you have marks and bruises. He's shown he's capable of violence towards a pregnant woman and that he's extremely dangerous. Please don't talk yourself round, that he's sorry and he won't do it again - they're always 'sorry' and he WILL do it again. Next time, you could be really hurt or killed. I'm not saying this to scare you, this is the reality of the situation. You are in danger and you need to leave him now. Can you get to your brother's or can he come to you? Please do report him to the police. Phone Women's Aid and get support too.

xPenelopePitstop · 11/06/2025 21:14

Lissybel · 11/06/2025 20:41

@WhereAreWeNow oh I am v sorry. I feel bad it has done that. I’m safe & making a plan. Part of it is not letting him around my baby

He doesn’t happen to have a key to your house does he?

If he does call an emergency locksmith to change the locks asap!

I’m glad you’re safe and making a plan. But please do report him to the police, and inform your midwife.

Lissybel · 11/06/2025 21:15

@Endofyear I know what this means. I know the danger & will be making some calls tomorrow. I’m in shock right now. I’d like to believe he won’t do it but he has. There were two separate incidents a day apart.

OP posts:
BodenCardiganNot · 11/06/2025 21:15

You need to go to hospital and get checked.

WhatMe123 · 11/06/2025 21:15

You need to leave for your safety. Men who use strangulation/holding round the throat are statistically more likely to kill due to dv
You are not safe op please phone women's aid and make yourself safe
Then inform the police

WhatMe123 · 11/06/2025 21:16

And also you are more at risk being pregnant dv rates rapidly rise during pregnancy
He has shown his true colours this is him
It will only get worse I'm afraid