Help or advice. Trigger warning DV/pregnancy

[Lissybel]

and demanding I abort. We spent a weekend away together and when I explained I didn’t want to, he demanded I must because it was cause a problem with his precarious relationship with his teenage daughter. He then restrained me in a hug, bent my fingers, threw me in the garden chair, pushed me to the ground, sat on me, pulled my hair and face, grabbed me by the throat, screamed I would ruin his relationship with his DD, said I could not leave and have his child, I am evil, wrong and grabbed me by the throat some more, threw me against a bookshelf (my back is bruised), raged in my face, pulled the hair at the side of my face in my french plait, pulled my face, raised his fist to hit me, hit the wall, pushed me into a corner. After he acted like I was making g it all up and I refused to let him. He then became fearful, explained he was frightened and is ashamed. He had an off moment when he declared over lunch he has had enough of life. He thought I was leaving him at that point. I chilled out towards him and he said he is not extremely sorry, he won’t hurt me again and has never done this before. He is acting as though it never happened and isn’t responding to my remarks about the bruising and blocked my brother on FB who is livid with him. He wants me to report this asap. I am so confused to what happened, what this is and if he is dangerous and has a hidden mental illness or was abusive before and that is why his ex and child do not want anything to do with him. Cheers. I’m freaking out so bad.

@WhatMe123 i know. It’s painful to realize. I’m literally in shock how he could change demeanour so quickly

So sorry, OP As everyone has said, leave and don't look back. I didn't, it took me 17 years to leave. Once they have attacked you, you and your child will always be in danger from them. You know what he did, tell your midwife, tell the police, write it down. He will deny everything, they always do.

@stormwatcher mau I ask, if you are comfortable to answer…did the violence escalate or increase after the first episode?

...but it doesn't matter if he denies or minimises. What is important is that you know the truth, you are telling the truth, you will be believed and there will be support for you.

Of course he is dangerous. What he did to you is enough evidence to say he is dangerous.
Call the police, it needs reporting and you need support to be safe. Even more so if you are bringing a child in to the world. A child that he strongly doesn't want which places the child at an even higher risk.

@Lissybel he's no doubt been on his best behaviour but often the first dv incident is during pregnancy as it can cause family dynamics to change, stress, worry, makes the male feel more in control and the woman more vulnerable.
This is a terrible situation you're in but there's plenty of help available. Don't have real life help, family friends?

I’d seriously consider having an abortion. Do you really want to be tied to this madman forever? I’d seek counselling - ask your midwife?

And please report him to the police. I bet he has done this before. He sounds terrifying.

Looking back, there was insidious controlling behaviour for a long time, and I had felt a strange sense of unease that I always rationalised and ignored. But once we had moved to an isolated spot, he started to ramp it up. I was locked in a room in the early hours, followed, questioned then one night attacked when I was pregnant. I started to sleep upstairs on the landing outside my children's bedroom. A few days later he shoved me and I called the police. He never admitted his behaviour and I downplayed everything and he wasn't charged. Seventeen years later he became unhinged, I waited seven months planning my exit. That was a mistake, as a week before me and the children were due to leave to a new house he didn't know about, he exploded, was arrested and banned from the local area whilst we moved house. To this day he says I am a liar and that my allegations were false. Once you have told someone about the abuse it gets easier.

OP. Please please please don’t fall for the apologetic, puppy eyes ‘I don’t know what came over me’ followed by the emotional blackmail of wanting to end his life.

Report this - you have bruising and perhaps you will have some text messages discussing the incident after? Also whilst making the report, request a Claire’s Law disclosure as PPs have said.

This wasn’t one of those more subtle DV episodes, this was very physical and (not that it makes a difference where DV is concerned) you are pregnant. He was willing to do this to a woman who could lose a baby as a result. That is horrendous behaviour.

Don’t worry about the backlash from this (from him that is), he doesn’t deserve you.

OP said in the first line she doesn’t want to terminate. It is entirely possible to do this alone and not having any involvement from him going forward.

These types of men, do kill women.

You don't have the time or space to work him out, run.

How pregnant are you? If you haven’t been checked out you don’t know that everything’s okay and it was a vicious and sustained attack that’s left you injured so you don’t know it hasn’t affected your pregnancy/baby. Get medical attention asap and call the police. Be honest with everyone.

He has shown you who he is. Believe him.
Report and get you and your baby far away.
Be strong op x

@stormwatcher omg. I am so sorry you & your children went through all that. Telling me is 100% appreciated. Can’t be easy to detail. I get it.

@TY78910 i needed to hear that. Yeah I am in danger. He doesn’t want the baby & wonder if that was him trying to harm it. He played down what he did & I told him straight he strangled me & his reply was that wasn’t strangling, I’d know if he strangled me. Words to that effect. He was all sad & deflated when he thought i was off & gone. I managed to keep him convinced until I got back. But yeah he was tearful, claimed he hasn’t ever done this before and other
you think he’ll come after me if i tell him it’s over? Don’t get me wrong I see he’s unhinged

Yes, I know she did.

it would be possible to go it alone, but with this kind of dangerous man, I think it would be putting OP in danger.

I’m so sorry that happened. You know what happened, don’t let him gaslight you and make you think it wasn’t what happened!

I don’t think he will come after you. And I’m sure the police will talk you through your options to safeguard you further. I really hope you manage to get out of this x

Ah OP, my ex turned on me when I was pregnant too. It's crazy isn't it? You feel like you are losing your mind because the rage they show comes out of nowhere. You literally see their eyes changing. And then the gaslighting afterwards and going back to normal before the next episode and the next...always with promises to change.

Anyway, I called the police and me and my child are safe and happy. Please do the same before he kills you.

Just to add, don't tell him it's over before speaking to the police and getting advice to protect yourself. Call Women's Aid for step by step advice. You can get a restraining order in place if needed. Also, if you have the baby, make sure the father is not on the birth certificate.

It’s entirely irrelevant whether or not he has a mental illness. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t. All that matters is that he is a violent and abusive man who has already done you serious harm and do you a lot more harm if you have any more to do with him. This is a man who could easily kill you. He is a major risk to you and to your unborn child.

He will absolutely, categorically attack you again. He will not change. The violence will escalate. Your brother is absolutely correct that you should report this to the police.

I strongly suspect he was violent to his ex partner as well.

Take photos of your bruises and contact the police and Women's Aid to get this behaviour documented at the very least.

Despite his violence to scare you into getting an abortion, don't be surprised that if you keep the baby, he will try and get access to your child or even full custody to continue his abuse of you. That's why it's really important to speak to professionals about his behaviour and have a documented record of his abuse.

Leave him OP. I know this is your intention, but please don't let any doubts creep in. And yes, he needs to be reported. Nothing could ever defend that behaviour. His own attempts to play it down suggest an absence of guilt, just fear of being found out.

He will do this again, and it will be worse next time, and he will minimise it again and it ‘won’t seem as bad’ as it happened last time. He will normalise the fear, walking on egg shells, when he attacks you - it will all be your fault. ‘You caused him to act like that because of your behaviour’ will be his party line.
It’s a script that every abusive partner does.
Hands around the neck / throat is a serious offence, there is even a newish offence now ‘non fatal strangulation’ as opposed to it just being a low level ‘assault’ as it often does leave any marks / bruises. This is because it has been recognised that this behaviour leads to fatal consequences.
Please call the police, they will help you. In relation to evidence then have you any bruises that you could photograph? Have you a ring doorbell that captured anything? Has he messaged you apologising at all/ discussing the incident?
Even without any concrete evidence the police will be believe you.
They will also be able to sort a Clare’s Law disclosure - this basically tells you of anything similar that he has done that has been reported to the police, even if he has not been charged with it.
Please find the strength to pick up the phone, it’s awful what has happened to you and you need to take action now and get him properly out of your life, so he can’t worm his way back in when you are feeling lonely / vulnerable as a new mum.

Please, please report him OP. You are not safe and your baby is not safe. A man putting his hands to your throat is the single biggest indicator that you are at risk of him killing you. Threatening suicide, minimising, and switching to sweet behaviour are absolutely textbook tactics of violent men. Do not ever be alone with him again.