To say his parenting is off putting...

[Forthelovagod]

Partner has 19 yo dd. He never asks her to pull her weight round house. She leaves the loo dirty, plates on the side or on the table after a meal... Like there's a maid.

He's ok with it. Jokes she is spoiled and a princess. I actually find it so unattractive but aibu to say it to him?

Maybe ask him if she is ready for a grown up life yet.

Couldn't stand that tbh...

Run like the wind! That relationship doomed from the onset!

Just leave it all to him including clearing up after you as you are also a Princess?

Don't let him move in with you or she will come too.

Oops… I accidentally pressed the “you are being unreasonable” button…. But you’re not at all!!!

@chickennoodledoodle you can change your vote

I hope she/they don't live with you ..... very unattractive indeed and don't blame you for finding it off-putting.

Yes I'd hate that. Tbh I wouldn't move in with a man whose children are still there. But she's going to be part of your life if you stay with him.

It would put me off him. (And her)

I've got a DS the same age who can manage all these things as well as cooking and doing his own laundry. He's not perfect, but he's pretty house trained and doesn't expect his mother to wait on him hand and foot. He also pays board and lodge,

It doesn't come with maid service.

Gonna go against the grain a little here as he’s not really parenting her any more at 19. She shares his house, presumably not full time, and this is how they get along together. It’s worked for them till now and it’s finite as she’s unlikely to stay living there forever so he’s not about to start switching things up now and causing ructions with his relationship with DD. His relationship with you is another matter and it’s not clear how long you’ve been together or how involved you are, whether you’re going to be living with him and DD or if it’s just a thing you’re witnessing and dislike. Course you can find it unattractive and ditch him for it if he won’t change, that’s totally fine. There’s any number of reasons we can go off people and end things. But it’s not like he’s being a crappy dad to a young DC and it’s a long-term issue, and it’s not something I’d expect a dad to change because his girlfriend didn’t approve. Either keep your dating away from his house or end it, but if you tell him you find it unattractive I’d be ready for him to not react too well to it.

(Just to clarify - I’ve assumed you’re not living together and that your DP is being the maid. If you’re living together and you’re expected to be the maid then it’s a bit late to be having this reaction so why is it only coming up now?)

He's allowed to be the maid if he likes it that's between them.

If you live with them and you're the maid then you need to move out

I once sat my teen DC down for a serious talk.

I explained to them that the maid they thought we had in employment has unexpectedly handed in her notice with immediate effect.

So from now on they have to clean up after themselves as the cook refuses to go to work in a clattered, dirty kitchen.

I still have to remind them... but maybe a fun jokey approach might help?

For me it would depend how much other stuff they had going on in their lives. My 18 year old daughter doesn’t do loads around the house (apart from
keeping her own room tidy) but she’s working really hard for her A levels and that’s my priority for her time.

A word of advice, don't criticise partner's child / children irrespective of age

Being a parent is a massive part of someone’s personality. You dislike a massive part of who he is.

I’d get rid.

You’re definitely not being unreasonable to find this off-putting. In fact I think that’s quite a good non-judgemental way of expressing it. In saying that, you’re not actually criticising him or her, you’re just saying that it’s not really for you. It’s not how you would want to live with a young adult child (presuming you don’t already all live together). This is not a domestic set-up you want to join. That’s your prerogative, just as it’s theirs to have a Princess/manservant dynamic if it works for them. I wouldn’t find it at all appealing

We don't live together but he would like me to mive in with him in the future.

At his house i find it a bit annoying but their house, their dynamic.. I keep my mouth shut.

However we just had a holiday together and it was difficult to watch. If im honest it gives me a little bit of an ick. Its the never asking her to sort her own shit out. I try to keep my teens happy too obviously but i also expect them to muck in and not take the piss.
My kids would not be leaving stuff at their arses and ordering the most expensive thing on the menu whilst i sit admiring their glory. They'd be getting a reality check.

One part of me thinks leave them to it but on the other hand if im honest it makes my partner unattractive to me, which is awful. He's great. I love him. He's a good guy. Wish i could find a way to not feel affected by it 🤦‍♀️

@RandomMess defo no desire to be anyone's princess. That dynamic wouldn't work for me.

I guess some dads might be more indulgent with their kids if they weren't the primary parent after the split and might feel they have some making up to do. Lots of variations of course but they're not likely to have the same dynamic as you and your teens if their history and set up has been different. Maybe your ex is different with your teens too, esp on holiday with his girlfriend in the mix. But course if he gives you the ick then any context is irrelevant and it's not a goer.

@Forthelovagod it would be temporary purely to see if he noticed and raised it/to make a point.

I would like to think he would raise it and then you could mention his own adult child is being raised to behave like that and is that what he wants her to be like long term.

@RandomMess i wish i had the headspace to carry out such an experiment but i don't and i actually think he loves me dearly and would certainly in the short term make excuses for my behaviour mostly because he knows thats not how i behave. We have known each other a long time outwith our relationship, he knows im no princess.

The holiday has really stirred such sadness in me. I just can't see how this will work and im feeling pretty gutted about it. 😢

If it bothers you the. It bothers you.

But I don’t necessarily see anything wrong with it. I’m a fully capable adult in my 40s running my own house and keeping on top of cleaning / tidying etc. But when I go home, my parents cook and tidy up after me. Don’t get me wrong I offer to do the dishes or whatever but I think we all know it’s a fake offer and they still like to ‘mummy’ me.

FWIW my mother in law does the same when I stay there. And she’s now got a new partner and he just follows her lead and brings me cups of tea and takes away the empty cup etc. I always say ‘please’ ‘and thank you’ and ‘I can do that’ etc if he gets to it before me but I do wonder if he thinks I’m very entitled.

Each to their own i guess. I've seen it before, this kind of dynamic and it has always made me uncomfortable. Its because its one sided. I love to see people care for each other, be considerate to each other etc. But it's the one sided dynamic that gives me the ick. Entitled behaviour is just something i personally find quite unpleasant.

I wouldn't be interested in a man whose child was like that, I'm afraid. I'd think it was down to bad parenting and if he didn't have a problem with it himself, that would confirm my suspicions.

Walk away. You might love him but you don’t respect a big part of who he is - I wouldn’t either - and in time a lack of respect leads to contempt and that’s fatal to relationships.